Angry, Part II

I took a risk and shared in my last post that I do indeed struggle with anger in motherhood (to read more, click here).  I also shared that once I realized my struggle, I began pursuing heart transformation by simply praying for Jesus to change my heart and living that out in front of my kids.

This change inside of me is not at all what I expected, but I thought I’d share some of my process with you in hopes that you will connect with some of it.  In the last four months, I’ve had the chance to go on vacation twice with my little family.  Once back home for the holidays, once to the Ocean for my mother-in-law’s birthday.  Both times, I felt different in motherhood.  I was at peace.  I didn’t lose my patience.  And I was genuinely enjoying my kids.  After each trip, I took time to evaluate what was different.  On vacation, my husband is sharing the “kid” responsibilities, I have minimal “life” responsibilities, there are minimal time constraints, and I am in constant “friendship” with my husband and others.  In contrast, in my everyday life I often feel a dull loneliness and always the pressure of responsibilities and time schedules.  These are very clear contrasts between vacation and real life.

I clearly can’t shirk my responsibilities and just live life “on vacation” all the time, but I have spent considerable time considering how to be at rest in my responsibilities.  Only after this last vacation to the Ocean did experiencing rest in my responsibilities become a reality.  Only as I found myself at rest and at peace in the midst of the responsibilities of motherhood did I find that my anger and frustration began to lessen and subside. 

Many factors played into this shift inside me.  As I shared in my last post, my very first step was praying for Jesus to transform my very heart.  I knew that my struggle with anger would only cease when Jesus, through His redemptive work, actually changed my heart. 

As I began praying for that, I began to come across a variety of resources and conversations that began to really help transformation take place.  As I’ve been praying for transformation and as I’ve been living out the reality of the Gospel in front of my very young children, I have also had multiple friends share with me about their struggles with anger in motherhood.  Each of us brokenhearted to even admit that anger is a struggle for us.  Each of us honest.  Each of us wanting something other than an angry, frustrated mom for our kids.  And each of us praying for and pursuing transformation in our lives.  Just knowing I was not alone in this struggle and subsequent pursuit of transformation was such a gift to me.  When we believe we’re the only ones struggling with someone, we often hide that struggle, thinking that it is too much for anyone to know about us.  When we share it, expose it, and discover that we are not alone, we then have a community to pursue life altering change with. One friend and I committed to praying for transformation in this area for each other.

Also over these past few months, I’ve read more than one blog post about women who struggle with anger in their parenting.  One post especially helped bring some practical steps about in my life.  To read that post, click here.  The piece that was most impacted me from this post, was the idea of learning to identify my triggers to anger and then work to prevent those as best as possible.  As I began to pay attention to the times that I was getting angry, I discovered that almost always, I had waited too long to eat and was losing my patience because I was honestly just hungry…and irritable as a result.  Dealing with this trigger took some adjusting for me.  I have had to prioritize eating and snacking.  I have had to choose to put off certain chores just to stop and eat a snack, knowing that eating a piece of bread with peanut butter is actually going to make me a better mom, even if it means putting off seemingly urgent chores just a few more minutes.

This leads me to the next and biggest shift for me.  All of my life I have been a master of time and tasks.  I almost always know exactly what time it is without even looking at a clock.  I am highly skilled at organizing tasks efficiently and effectively, accomplishing the most possible with the time I’ve been given.  This truly is a gift.  And I do not despise this gift.  In fact, I love it.  Too much, sometimes.  In reflecting on the difference in me on vacation and me at home, I was struck with the fact that on vacation I was focused on enjoying and being, while at home, I am focused on accomplishing and maintaining.  While there is always plenty to get done at home, focusing things has often meant that I am missing the people for whom I am doing all things anyway.   The trick for me has been to learn how to carry responsibilities and live with time constraints of everyday life without letting those things cancel out the enjoyment of my life and family.  This has meant that I have had to shift my thinking about my home and family from a task-oriented paradigm to a presence-oriented paradigm.  For me, this means choosing to not pay attention to the clock but paying attention to my boys and my husband.  This means organizing my tasks in such a way that they get done at convenient times, releasing those tasks for set apart times rather than feeling the pressure of them all the time.  I am approaching our home and life responsibilities differently. 

As Jesus is transforming my heart reality through His redemptive work AND these practical steps, I am actually feeling so very different inside myself.  I am at peace.  At rest.  And enjoying this crazy reality of motherhood.  I am not on the brink of losing it if just one thing gets out of control.  My boys are so much more at peace.  And my husband is loving the way our home feels.

There has been an even deeper level to my transformation in this area, which I will share in my next (and final) post on anger in motherhood. 

Angry, Part I

Something is changing inside me and inside our home that is really powerful.  A while ago, I realized very clearly that I struggle with anger in parenting.  I can get so frustrated when things feel out of control.  And I have been so ashamed of times that I have lost my patience and snapped at my boys.  So ashamed.  Yelling at my kids was one thing I n-e-v-e-r wanted to do.  Ever.  And yet, even just three years into being a mom, I have totally done that.  More than once.  It is embarrassing, humiliating and awful to admit. 

But it was the admitting it to myself and my husband and God that began the pursuit of change.  When the boys and life get crazy and out of control, I feel out of control.  Plus, I feel an intense amount of anxiety and pressure to get this motherhood thing right.  I get frustrated when my toddler and preschooler don’t understand why certain things aren’t acceptable.  I feel myself get so angry when my preschooler hurts his little brother.  And my patience disappears when I am overwhelmed by other circumstances in life, resulting in stress that spills over into how I parent my boys. 

A few months ago, I began to feel how very different my experience of motherhood was from what I wanted it to be.  While a long time ago I accepted that my experience of motherhood will be very different than other mothers, what I was becoming aware a few months ago was knowing deep in my soul that I was missing God’s design for motherhood.  My husband and I began talking often about my experience of motherhood, discussing my reality, God’s design, and the process of transformation. 

I knew that if patience, kindness, and gentleness were fruits of the Spirit, then there had to be a way to consistently experience those in parenting.  I also knew that the pathway to living out those soul realities wasn’t by me trying to be a “good mom”…because then I’d just be even more stressed in trying to perform rightly, all the while never dealing with the triggers to my struggles.  I knew something had to change in me.   I knew God’s design was to have these soul realities of patience, kindness, and gentleness express themselves in the most trying moments of motherhood.  I just didn’t know how this change was going to take place.

So, I just began asking God to change my heart.  This desperate plea came about not only because I was struggling so much with anger and frustration, but also because I could see the same traits in my preschooler.  I knew that I could never genuinely guide him through dealing with these issues in his heart if I wasn’t first dealing with them in my heart.  Change in me began when I started sharing with my son that I was losing it, confessing to him, and inviting him into my transformation process.  If we were both losing it, we would both stop and take deep breaths together to “calm down” and even pray together, asking God to change our hearts from “angry to kind hearts.”  Transformation in me began when I started walking out this whole process with my three year old. 

It was a huge step for me to know when I was becoming angry, stop, identify it, talk about, and pray for change.  It was powerful in our life when my son and I to begin to pray together.  To begin to talk about our hearts.  We don’t get into a whole Gospel presentation during these times; however, I know walking out our heart reality together, acknowledging that either one or both of us has an angry heart that can only be shifted by Jesus’ activity in it, and asking God for that change is the foundation necessary for my son to one day understand and live out the Gospel.

As I continue to see how much my own heart struggles with anger, I am learning what to do with that anger.  I am learning to see it and to ask myself why I am angry.  Sometimes I’m angry because I do need to pay attention to something that is wrong.  But most of the time, I am angry because things are out of “my” control and I am not connected to the Spirit.  So, I have just kept asking Jesus to change my heart.  I have to keep walking out my imperfections in front of my boys.  Admitting when I am losing it.  And ask for forgiveness when I do snap at them.  It is humbling to be so transparent and vulnerable with a one year old and a three year old.  White knuckling motherhood in hopes of being perfect, would never give me the opportunity to experience this with them.  Ignoring or justifying my struggles would only allow my boys to ignore or justify theirs.  This pursuit of heart transformation together is simple, yet both profound and life altering.

Amazingly, something is changing inside of me.  I can feel it.  My boys can feel it.  My husband can feel it.  And it is evident in our home. 

There is more to share…but that will have to wait until the next post.

False Humility and Updates on "My Book"

While my husband was out of the country, one of my best friends flew out here to help with the boys and to keep me company.  We talked almost the entire time she was here!  My time with her was so life-giving.  It also brought perspective to various things in my life, one of which is this idea of false humility.  Not the false humility where someone tries to act humble but is really proud, but the false humility that is instead just insecurity and hiding. 

Through one of our conversations, I realized that I have a lot of insecurity regarding this book of mine that is coming out next month.  So much so that even she, one of my best friends, did not know exactly what it was about.  This is not her fault, but mine.  It is my fault because any time someone wants to talk about my book, I almost shy away from it.  Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond excited to have this opportunity to publish a book…and a book with a message I so fully believe in.  However, I keep hiding from it, not wanting to share “too much.” I keep ducking my head, hoping to not be noticed.  My friend brought up the very true point that it is okay to recognize the things God has placed in me and share them. 

C. S. Lewis defined humility as not thinking of yourself less, but not thinking of yourself at all.  This thought very much applies to this whole idea.  It is false humility when I shy away from sharing about what God has done in me, the truths He has worked out in my life, and the way He has provided for me to share those truths with others.  It is false humility to hide under insecurity.  In allowing myself to hide behind insecurity, I am actually thinking of myself a great deal, and not actually thinking of who God is and all that He has done. 

So, today, I am being brave, choosing to not hide, and sharing all that is happening with this book.  I am sharing all of this because at my core, I really do believe that this book is not my own, but is God’s to do with as He pleases.  It is not my message nor my project, but His that He can use for whatever purposes and ends He has in mind.

Not only is it looking like this book will come out the first week of June (which is awesome!), but some amazing things have happened this past week that are taking it further than I ever imagined.  I am not even sure that I have shared very openly here the core of this book.  So, first, let me share that.  This book is a Gospel saturated Bible study on womanhood.  Through my own personal study, looking for what the Bible had to say about being a woman (and the things God specifically said in Scripture to women), I formulated this Bible study.  I then led a small group of women through this study, which allowed me to fine tune the study even more.  This study takes a look at the six main roles of women that Scripture addresses: Christian, wife, mother, home builder, minister, and skillful worker.  Throughout the study, the reader has the opportunity to process and pray through those roles, applying the Gospel to each role, and ultimately pursuing God’s design for her as a woman. 

I am so excited to share this tool with women.  I so believe in the importance of applying the Gospel to all areas of our everyday lives.  And I am so humbled that it will be in print sometime in June! 

Not only that, but while my husband was gone last week visiting the missionary in a country where Christians are persecuted, my husband shared some with this missionary about this Bible study that we’ve been working on.  This missionary is involved in a variety of ministries, many of which are heavily filled with women.  This missionary was so excited to have the possibility of using it as a tool to use to train women in the Scripture about womanhood, that he is now going to take the whole manuscript, have it translated into Arabic, and will share it with those he trains so that they can use it to train other women.  This means that once this Bible study is translated, it could potentially be used in many Middle Eastern countries to shepherd women.  This is beyond my wildest dreams of what God could do with this book. 

I am honored.  And truly humbled.  And from that place in my heart, just have to share it with you all because it is evidence of how huge God is.   

The Other Side of the Trip

My little family has been experiencing so much grace the past few days.  My husband headed out on a plane last Saturday morning to fly halfway around the world to encourage missionaries who live and serve in a country where the persecution of Christians is on the rise.  Not only were the missionaries so encouraged by his presence and friendship, but he also got to travel all over the place with the husband missionary.  They traveled to three separate ministries in various locations over the three days that he was in the country.  The timing of this trip was nothing short of divinely orchestrated.  

I feel, though, like the timing of this trip was divinely orchestrated and covered with grace for me, too.  One of my best friends of twelve years was able to come out and spend these days with me and my boys.  My husband’s mom moved into her new house in our neighborhood the very day that my husband left the country.  There have been so many friends covering us with prayer.  There is a peace about our home this week that is…well…almost eerie.  It’s literally like we’re being carried along.  It’s seriously amazing.  Plus, actually having such a great need (as in needing help with the boys for a week) has not only allowed for others to step in and care for me, but it has also created much opportunity for so many amazing conversations these last few days.  Conversations with my brother-in-law, my mother-in-law, and my friend.  These relationships are strengthening and deepening because of this unique opportunity to connect.  At this stage of life especially, the opportunity to spend an entire week with one of your best, lifelong friends is such a rare experience, that I am full enjoying this special time, knowing that this was especially a gift from God to me.  

Three

Tomorrow, I will wake up, and you will be three.  In your mind you already are three, since we celebrated your birthday on Friday night and didn’t want to confuse you too much with ALL that we have going on right now.  But in my mind, I know that tonight is the last night you’ll be two.  For a mama, two is comforting.  Sure you’re becoming a kid, learning to talk, learning to express your own opinion, but three…three is a whole new deal.  Three means you are a kid. 

If you are a kid, you’re not a baby any more.  Honestly, I really haven’t been one to miss or longingly reminisce about your baby days.  I love watching you grow more and more into the person you were designed to be.  But these last few days, I have felt the twinge of losing those baby days.  We can’t ever go back to those days, and while I love growing with you, I know that leaving the baby days behind means we only continue towards “growing up.”  So tonight I am cherishing your baby-ness that has disappeared this last year.

Truly, the disappearing of your baby-ness has led to all sorts of fun discoveries in your little personality.  Every day we go over our plan.  Or I should say, I tell you my plan and then you tell me your plan and then we try to figure out how we’re going to get most of “our” plan to happen.  You love your little brother and when you are sad he’s really the person you want to talk to about being sad.  You have started, having fairly “serious” conversations with him.  It is delightful watching my two little people interact with one another, knowing you two have a friendship all your own.  You are also brilliant.  I love engaging you in learning.  You absorb everything, want to understand, and then turn around and can explain it to someone else.  You also have become rather physical this last year.  You love to wrestle with your brother or your dad, so much so that we bought you guys wrestling mats so that you wouldn’t knock yourself unconscious on our wood floors.  You also have a big wheel (which you call your “motorcycle”) that you ride laps in through the kitchen, play room, and living room.  You can certainly make that thing go and can turn it on a dime.  You are fun, brilliant, detail oriented, silly, strong, and tenderhearted. 

You, my handsome little man, are one of my favorite guys in the whole earth.  Happy Birthday!

Sobering

When I was single, I didn’t date much (or at all, really).  I did, however, seem to get set up on several blind dates.  After a few blind dates that led nowhere, I remember telling my mom that I had come up with the key opening question for all future blind dates.  I would simply ask at the start of the date, “Would you die for Jesus?”  If the guy responded that he would, then I would consider a second date; otherwise, we might as well end the date right then and there.  You can imagine my mom’s face.  I can only guess that she was settling inside herself that if that was the kind of opening line I was going to be asking guys, I probably wasn’t going to be getting married. 

Amazingly, though, I did get married and to someone who had already settled the answer to that question long before we ever got together.  It was so settled that he had already walked into multiple life-threatening realities as he followed God on handful of rather risky overseas trips.  In fact, when we were engaged, he was the one to ask me if I understood and was okay with who he was.  He specifically wanted to know if I was okay with the fact that he would fully follow God into anything he felt God was leading him into, even if the outcome was death.  With him asking me, I don’t know that I was quite as excited about the question; however, it was evidence of the matching of our souls for sure.

Today that question is a little more serious for us than other days.  In a matter of days, my husband will get on a plane and travel halfway around the world to visit some missionaries in a country where the persecution of Christians is on the rise.  While the situation is dangerous, and I have already cried a few rounds of tears over the risk, we both wholeheartedly feel like this is one of the times that he is meant to step into a more dangerous reality.  The missionaries he will be with need encouragement.  They are weary.  They find themselves in dangerous situations all the time.  They are a part of the persecuted church.  And my husband feels the weight of their reality and the leading to step into it for a few days to pray and encourage. 

Being married to this man is an amazing thing.  His walk with God is something I admire.  And his obedience blows me away.  This trip he is about to take is waking me up to all kinds of realities I often find dulled in my mind.  There is a reality of faith…and watching everything just fall into place as we trust God to work.  There is a reality of gratitude…that I even get to be married to this man, that we have had almost four years married to each other and have two awesome boys, that every day together is meant to be understood as a gift.  There is a reality of eternity…our lives are not just this time and place, but are connected into the ultimate reality, forever in relationship with Jesus. 

As these thoughts have been swirling around in my mind and I find myself aware of our eternal reality, this song has really resonated with my soul:

 

Home

An opportunity arose a few months ago that would have meant that not only would my husband get to do a job that seemed to be a perfect fit, but it would also have meant moving home…home to my family, old friends, and my old (and favorite) church.  The possibility alone was thrilling.  In the end, though, it just didn’t happen.

That possibility did however dramatically change our lives.  We are living differently now because we entertained that possibility.  It was full of leading and shepherding and discipleship.  Considering that single possibility made us reflect on how we would want to live in our life here and now.  We asked ourselves how we would live out what we were made to do exactly where we are.  As a result, we have evaluated how to shift our finances, our focus, and our schedules to match what we feel we were designed to do.  These shifts are still in process, but we are finding that we are living very differently right where we are.

Not only are we living differently, but for the first time in my life, I am making a place my home that I never expected would really be a home.  I thought my hometown would be the only place that would ever feel like home.  But over these last few months, as I adjust my concept of home and as God has been leading us into a very different rhythm of life, I see that He is making this place my home. 

It’s definitely not what I planned.  It’s not exactly what I dreamed our life would be like.  But this life that we’re living right now is richer and fuller than anything I had thought up before now.  And it seems that we are home (at least for now!).

(Note: You can find the “this land” sticker I’ve pictured at the top by clicking here.)