This change inside of me is not at all what I expected, but
I thought I’d share some of my process with you in hopes that you will connect
with some of it. In the last four
months, I’ve had the chance to go on vacation twice with my little family. Once back home for the holidays, once to the
Ocean for my mother-in-law’s birthday.
Both times, I felt different in motherhood. I was at peace. I didn’t lose my patience. And I was genuinely enjoying my kids. After each trip, I took time to evaluate what
was different. On vacation, my husband
is sharing the “kid” responsibilities, I have minimal “life” responsibilities,
there are minimal time constraints, and I am in constant “friendship” with my
husband and others. In contrast, in my
everyday life I often feel a dull loneliness and always the pressure of responsibilities
and time schedules. These are very clear
contrasts between vacation and real life.
I clearly can’t shirk my responsibilities and just live life
“on vacation” all the time, but I have spent considerable time considering how
to be at rest in my responsibilities. Only
after this last vacation to the Ocean did experiencing rest in my
responsibilities become a reality. Only as
I found myself at rest and at peace in the midst of the responsibilities of
motherhood did I find that my anger and frustration began to lessen and
subside.
Many factors played into this shift inside me. As I shared in my last post, my very first
step was praying for Jesus to transform my very heart. I knew that my struggle with anger would only
cease when Jesus, through His redemptive work, actually changed my heart.
As I began praying for that, I began to come across a
variety of resources and conversations that began to really help transformation
take place. As I’ve been praying for transformation
and as I’ve been living out the reality of the Gospel in front of my very young
children, I have also had multiple friends share with me about their struggles
with anger in motherhood. Each of us
brokenhearted to even admit that anger is a struggle for us. Each of us honest. Each of us wanting something other than an angry,
frustrated mom for our kids. And each of
us praying for and pursuing transformation in our lives. Just knowing I was not alone in this struggle
and subsequent pursuit of transformation was such a gift to me. When we believe we’re the only ones
struggling with someone, we often hide that struggle, thinking that it is too
much for anyone to know about us. When
we share it, expose it, and discover that we are not alone, we then have a
community to pursue life altering change with. One friend and I committed to
praying for transformation in this area for each other.
Also over these past few months, I’ve read more than one
blog post about women who struggle with anger in their parenting. One post especially helped bring some
practical steps about in my life. To
read that post, click here. The piece
that was most impacted me from this post, was the idea of learning to identify
my triggers to anger and then work to prevent those as best as possible. As I began to pay attention to the times that
I was getting angry, I discovered that almost always, I had waited too long to
eat and was losing my patience because I was honestly just hungry…and irritable
as a result. Dealing with this trigger
took some adjusting for me. I have had
to prioritize eating and snacking. I have
had to choose to put off certain chores just to stop and eat a snack, knowing
that eating a piece of bread with peanut butter is actually going to make me a
better mom, even if it means putting off seemingly urgent chores just a few
more minutes.
This leads me to the next and biggest shift for me. All of my life I have been a master of time
and tasks. I almost always know exactly
what time it is without even looking at a clock. I am highly skilled at organizing tasks efficiently
and effectively, accomplishing the most possible with the time I’ve been given. This truly is a gift. And I do not despise this gift. In fact, I love it. Too much, sometimes. In reflecting on the difference in me on
vacation and me at home, I was struck with the fact that on vacation I was
focused on enjoying and being, while at home, I am focused on accomplishing and
maintaining. While there is always
plenty to get done at home, focusing things has often meant that I am missing the
people for whom I am doing all things anyway. The trick for me has been to learn how to
carry responsibilities and live with time constraints of everyday life without
letting those things cancel out the enjoyment of my life and family. This has meant that I have had to shift my
thinking about my home and family from a task-oriented paradigm to a
presence-oriented paradigm. For me, this
means choosing to not pay attention to the clock but paying attention to my
boys and my husband. This means
organizing my tasks in such a way that they get done at convenient times,
releasing those tasks for set apart times rather than feeling the pressure of
them all the time. I am approaching our
home and life responsibilities differently.
As Jesus is transforming my heart reality through His
redemptive work AND these practical steps, I am actually feeling so very
different inside myself. I am at
peace. At rest. And enjoying this crazy reality of
motherhood. I am not on the brink of
losing it if just one thing gets out of control. My boys are so much more at peace. And my husband is loving the way our home
feels.
There has been an even deeper level to my transformation in
this area, which I will share in my next (and final) post on anger in
motherhood.
