North, Part 2 (a.k.a. "Oneness")

Last week there was a shift in our marriage that was almost tangible. The move north has sparked that shift. I shared that my husband and I were considering a move to the north part of the city in my post, “North, Part 1.”

Around the time of that post, we had found a house to rent (which required some money and work to make it a place that I would feel good about letting my babies crawl around in) but decided against it (due to sinking our money into something that wasn’t “ours”). Then we found a house to buy. The whole time we have been in the process of looking for a house in the north part of the city, my prayer was that God would make it so smooth that we would just know it was Him doing it, providing a house for us. This house turned out to be a great deal. It would need some work, but at least we’d be putting our money in it as an investment. So, we proceeded to take all the steps to purchase it. Because it was a foreclosure, we just had to put a bid in and twenty four hours later, we’d find out if the house was ours or not. Everything seemed smooth enough.

In regards to this move, I had made the choice to trust my husband. Even though I had not felt a clear direction from God to move, I do know that I am called to follow and trust my husband. I have not trusted him well in the past, but I want to continue to grow in trusting him. This move north was a way to follow and trust him, showing that I support him even when the decision may not be certain to me. My husband has such a passion to serve the underserved and overlooked. Moving to the north part of the city would allow him/us to be in closer proximity to those he desires to serve.

We didn’t hear anything on the house for days. In fact, we still hadn’t heard anything the next week when my husband went on a trip he had planned. It was while we were apart that we finally heard about the house. My husband called to tell me that the bid never actually got sent in and did we just want to go ahead and resend it that morning. I was shocked by my response, but I really feel it was God’s way of revealing to me what was truly going on inside of me. I just started crying. I just felt overwhelming sadness. I realized that as the days had passed and we hadn’t heard about the house, I started to consider that maybe we wouldn’t be moving. I started to imagine what it would be like to stay in our apartment. On the phone that morning I felt such huge disappointment at even the possibility that we might still get the house. I tried to express this all to my husband in a way that he would understand, sharing with him again my desire to not make any major transitions during this pregnancy (or immediately after) hoping to bypass the extent of emotional struggle I had with my first pregnancy/post-partum season. I shared that I realized just then how much I did not want the house, since I was actually disappointed that we might still get the house if we put the bid in.

We didn’t get to talk much more that day. My husband was at an A29 conference at Living Stones all day. I totally see this day apart as divinely appointed by God. I was so incredibly emotional that day. I couldn’t shake the sadness. I felt frustrated, hurt, disappointed, and confused. All I knew to do that day was pray and ask God to lead us, expressing the extent of my emotion to Him. What I didn’t know was that while we were apart that day, God was also speaking to my husband.

Since we got married, we have struggled with living out the concept of “oneness” (the whole “be united” concept in Genesis 2:24). It is a challenging thing to become one with another person, especially when each of you is strong, passionate, intelligent, and independent. My husband and I make considerable efforts at being together with the other person, desiring to be supportive of each other, trusting and believing in one another. But that feeling of “oneness” has not been automatic; rather, it has been a learning and growing process for us.

The next morning, my husband called and told me that we would not be putting a bid on the house. He apologized for not listening to and understanding me well. He understood that I had been very open about my need for a year without transitions while I am pregnant and when we bring this new baby home. A peace settled over me as he talked. I also felt deep gratefulness that my husband understands his call to lay his life down for his wife (Ephesians 5:25). He expressed that he does not want us to move forward on any decision until we are together in pursuing a decision. He wants more than me just being willing to follow him, he wants to know that I am fully “in.” It is true that I am called to follow him. It is true that I am growing in trusting him. It is also true that we need to be together. And as my husband said, God is not in a hurry. God can align our hearts in the things we are called to do.

So, we will be staying in our apartment…at least for the next year. And we will be investing in the north part of the city. The two are not mutually exclusive. We can minimize our family transitions (in hopes of a more peaceful “new baby” season), while also investing in the north part of the city. I realized how purposeful God was in not letting the bid go through. And how purposeful He was in exposing what I was truly feeling. I see that God was using my husband’s time away to speak to him. I see God weaving us together, making us more and more one.

There has been a renewal of life in our marriage this last week. There is a new feeling of oneness. We began talking about all sorts of possibilities for life that we had never before seriously talked about. We began to see how aligned our hearts and hopes and dreams really are. This is what “oneness” should feel like. Not that it will always be exciting or fairy-tale-ish, but we will be together. We will be at peace. We will be one. This is what we are learning.

End Note: This is actually very vulnerable for me to share. What I am ultimately sharing with you is that I am not super woman. So often, I have this false idea that I shouldn’t struggle. This lie creeps in that if I struggle or if I am weak, I am a failure. I would like to think that I could do everything and be amazing all the time. I’d like to think that I could just push through and move into the north and not let the transition affect me at all. The truth is that I am just not that amazing. I have limitations and weaknesses. It is humbling to share that my weaknesses have meant that my husband had to adjust his pursuit of this passion (to care for the underserved) in order to take care of me. I thought to myself, “What will people think when I share that I was not truly in a place where I felt capable of moving into the north part of the city? I will look so weak.” The truth is I am weak. I am exposed in sharing that I needed my husband to serve me in this way, to keep our life still and peaceful this year. In my weakness, my husband has the opportunity to care for me. It feels so vulnerable to allow him to care for me. But this is what I am learning to do. We are growing together as I do. Rather than putting on a façade of having it all together, this is my space to share with you the journey of my soul learning to trust God and to trust my husband, depending on both as I am weak.