For the Ladies: Mother

Two Key Elements: Loving and Training


Becoming a mom was one of the most surprising transitions of my life. My experience with babies and children was vast: my littlest sister and brother were born when I was a teenager…I have babysat since I was 13…and I taught preschool, first grade, and second grade. However, even those experiences could not completely prepare me for the all-consuming call of being a mom. When my first son was born, I really struggled with my identity as a mom. I felt so much guilt because I did not have all the feelings I thought I was “supposed” to have, nor did that “magic” switch get flipped that many of my peers talked about: the one where you just know all the time what you’re supposed to do for your baby. I worked hard at learning what to do for my son, but didn’t automatically know everything he needed. What surprised me, though, was the level of dedication I felt towards my son. I have never felt so committed to serving one person as I did to my son when he was born. This level of dedication and willing sacrifice confirmed in my own heart my intense love for my son.

So, while there were not a lot of “magical” happenings surrounding my start into motherhood, there was a level of commitment that was profoundly new to me. As I transitioned into becoming a mom, my husband often helped me reflect on who I was designed to be and the ways through which I expressed my love for our son. He would often point out my strengths in motherhood, helping me recognize that I may not be a mom like other moms; however, I am the mom I was created to be. As we engage the Scripture on the role of mother, please take the following concepts to heart in light of the woman you are created to be. The “perfect mom” idea is a myth. There are no perfect moms. The truth is that God has given us, as moms, a handful of clear Scriptures as to our calling of “mom,” and from those, each of us can begin to walk those concepts out within the context of how we were each designed. Develop your unique strengths and gifts in the context of the following two callings of motherhood:

Love

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. (Psalm 127:3)

Train the younger women to…love their children. (Titus 2:4)

One of the two main calls on women in their role as mother is to see their children as God sees their children. God intends for children to be seen as a reward, as a gift (see post, “How Do You See Them”). By viewing our children as God views them, we would see them as a heritage, as a reward…we would see them as a gift. If we view our children as hindrances to the life “we could have lived,” then we believe a lie (Rachel Jankovic’s post, “Motherhood is a Calling” offers perspective on this). The reality of motherhood, the way God designed it, is that the children you’ve been given are a gift from Him. This perspective should dramatically impact how you fulfill your calling as a mom. Gifts are meant to be enjoyed and delighted in. Your children are meant to be enjoyed and delighted in.

Later in the Scripture, we see that the older women are to train the younger women to love their children. I heard a sermon once where the pastor* said that single women sometimes complain that moms always talk about their children. The pastor went on to say that God intended it to be that way…that moms should be really into their kids...that women are instructed to love their children.

Do you love your kids? If you’re not sure, take a look at 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Do you display patience and kindness and a celebration of truth in your mothering? Or do you display the opposite of love in your mothering by being rude, irritable or resentful? In your mothering do you carry the weight of your responsibility and believe, hope, and endure within that responsibility? Just a few things to consider.

Don’t mistake love with idolatry; women can easily make their children into little idols. However, turning your child into something you worship, into the thing at the very center of your life is not actually love, is it? Putting your children at the center of your life, giving into every whim, and ultimately worshipping them puts a weight them that they can’t carry and is ultimately very self-centered on your part. This is why along with loving your children, God instructs you, as moms [parents], to train your children.


Train

And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. (Deuteronomy 6:6-7)

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6)

The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. (Proverbs 29:15)

Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her… (Proverbs 31:28)

These verses lay out a very clear instruction for the mother to train her children. That last verse quoted speaks of the children calling their mom blessed. My thought has been that as the children grow, they recognize the work their mom has put into raising them and praise her for what she has invested. It would also make sense that this mother who is being praised was not haphazard about her call to be a mother, but was intentional in raising her children by keeping a long-term perspective of her goals in place.

As a mom, what then is your long-term goal in raising your children? The Scripture is clear that you should train your child in the way he should go, taking into account that there is a hoped for outcome in your parenting. But what is that hoped for outcome to be… For your child to be like you? For your child to have good behavior and be a moral person? For your child to be carefree and alive? Not one of these goals is really enough. Scripture gives us deeper perspective on this hoped for outcome.

By looking at the verse in Deuteronomy, we see that God instructs His followers to teach His commands to their children throughout their daily life. This means that the parents talk with their children about God and His instructions (the way He has designed all of life to work) as they go about their daily life. Parents are called to see and talk about God’s activity when they are hanging out at their house, when they are carpooling, when they go to bed at night and when they get up in their morning….basically all day.

Before you even consider training your children in this, you have to first ask yourself if you see and can communicate God’s activity and His truth about the everyday experiences in your own life. To train your children in this (by simply talking with them as you go about life), this way of thinking must be an active part of your inner life (reminds me of the first identity of womanhood: “Christian”). Begin looking for evidence of God and examples of His truth throughout your daily life. Begin looking for places where the enemy wants to lie to you about yourself, your life, or your reality; then begin to internalize God’s truth that counteracts those lies. Begin speaking (or journaling or thinking) God’s truth to yourself about everyday life. As you do this, you’ll be able to train your children about God’s activity in their everyday life, too. Because you’ll be aware of His presence in daily life, you’ll be able to point out evidences of Him and speak truth into all situations in your children’s lives. This way of teaching about God will flow more naturally with your children as you practice it more and more in your own life.

Another important aspect of mothering is simply knowing your children. When the Scripture says to train your child in the way he should go, it is not necessarily speaking of the way you want him to go. The Scripture here is making a reference to training your child as the person he is for the direction and life God created him to live. This is seeing your child’s strengths and building them up as she develops into the person she was created to be. Listen to the Spirit, asking God who He designed your child to be and the direction in which your child should go. Gain insight from Him in how you guide your child through life, facilitating your child becoming who he was created to be.

Finally, the issue of discipline is also a part of a mother’s call to train her children. Too often, I have sensed church people emphasize “the rod” and completely miss the transformation of the heart. Discipline is more than punishment and its purpose is more than behavior modification. The true issue of discipline is addressing a child’s heart and walking the child through the reality of the Gospel as it relates to her sin. The verse above from Proverbs speaks about a child who is left to himself bringing shame to his mother. The mother bears the responsibility for leaving that child to himself. She basically lets the child do whatever he wants to do. The mother’s call is to be involved in her child’s life, bringing wisdom to him through discipline and conversation about sin, redemption, and restoration. The issue is not about using a specific form of punishment to get the child to have right external behavior (that’s simply moralism); rather, the issue is the mother’s involvement in her child’s life, applying the Gospel to the child’s heart as external behaviors come up. Discipline may look very different from family to family; however, the goal is to discipline in such a way that you communicate the Gospel in response to external behaviors, ultimately reaching your child’s heart, not simply trying to get external behaviors changed through punishment. To grasp more of this heart transformation (vs. behavior modification) approach, read Gospel-Centered Families by Tim Chester and Ed Moll. It’s only about a hundred pages and well worth the time!

In Closing

Being a Momma is the craziest journey I’ve been on yet. It consumes my heart. It is scary, thrilling, wonderful, exhausting, challenging, and life-giving all at the same time. I do not have this “role” figured out by any means, but continually come to the Scripture, wanting to know how to be the mom God has called and created me to be.


* Mark Driscoll