Life Now

I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after the wind.
Ecclesiastes 1:14

I recently read some of my old blog posts and realized how honest and fresh my writing was. I was sharing what God was showing me and doing inside of me regularly and often. Now, I barely put up a post a week. If I were to share what’s really going on inside of me (which I will attempt today), I often fear that it will come across as simple and disjointed.

I started leading Bible study again. And I love it! It’s not as much a formal Bible study as it is an opportunity for women to engage with the Spirit as they read the Scriptures, trusting that Jesus can transform them. This is one of my favorite things to do, facilitate an opportunity for others and myself to meet with God.

Plus, Bible study gives me an opportunity to use my gifts and interact with other adults.

Most of my days follow the same routine: wake, coffee, dress the boys, start the laundry, feed the baby, do the dishes, feed the toddler (and myself), put the baby down for a nap, take a shower, feed the baby, run an errand/have a play date/clean the house, put the baby down for a nap, feed the toddler (and myself), feed the baby, play a little, put the toddler down for a nap, do random tasks…and on and on it goes (a striving after the wind?).

Because of this constant motion, these constant tasks, I have found it difficult to just stop and be and see and enjoy. I have been given an amazing husband and two awesome little boys. And yet, so often at the end of the day, I find myself wondering if I truly enjoyed them. We all got fed and dressed and the dishes were done. I wonder, though, if I truly saw and appreciated and delighted in each of my guys.

As I have been preparing this Bible study for the spring, I have become so aware of the Scriptural call to love and enjoy my husband and children, and I have become so aware of my task-focused heart. So, I have begun praying for God to transform my heart, to give me a heart that delights in these gifts I was given. In the end, only He will be able to give me a heart that truly sees and enjoys.

I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God's gift to man. Ecclesiastes 3:12-13

I’ve started practicing listening for God’s voice reminding me when to stop and play and just enjoy. I do not do it perfect every day, but I am learning to maximize even on small moments for enjoying my guys.

So, we’ve watched a few episodes of “Up All Night” (which makes us laugh at our life) and I’ve created all sorts of Pandora stations (for every mood) and my husband and I have a cup of tea together most nights (after the boys are in bed) and I am reading “Real Marriage” and I (with a little help from my son) try to build at least one tower every day and I try to be silly enough to get my baby to laugh at me at least once a day. This is my life now. And this is how I practice enjoying it.