I went on a walk yesterday. It was the first time in a long time that I had been on one of my “power-walking-worship-music-reflective-prayer” walks. And I loved it! And God showed me a picture of my life right now.
For those of you who have been following our story, we’ve been attempting to move into the north part of our city. My husband had really felt like God had led him/us to move into that part of the city over a year ago; however, I was pregnant at the time and asked for a season of calm and minimal changes until after the baby was born. This last November (after our baby was born), my husband again felt a re-awakening to pursue that leading to move up there. I simply want us to be obedient. And while I do not have as specific a leading as my husband does, I do feel strongly that I want us to live a life of obedience to God. For me, that means that if either one of us feels like God is leading us into something, then I want us to do that thing.
As a result of that whole journey, we’ve been focusing our life in the north part of the city. We are committed to and becoming involved in a church in the north part of the city. We looked for houses up there. And we found one we love. And we put an offer on it. And the sellers accepted. And now we are waiting…waiting…waiting. The seller’s bank still has to agree to our price. And it takes banks a l-o-n-g time to do this apparently.
In the meantime, I feel like we keep hitting walls where we just can’t go further in the things God has asked us to do. Our oldest son (22 months), still does not go into childcare for more than 15 minutes at a time. This limits my involvement in any “formal” ministry. We live in a two bedroom condo in midtown, which means we aren’t actually present in the north part of the city yet. This also means we don’t have the space to host lots of people in our home at one time nor late in the evening since our sons room shares a wall with the living room. Our baby was in our room and was waking up way too often at night (due to us most likely waking him up first); however, we don’t have another room to put him in. All these things have a way of making me feel hopeless, as though we just can’t do more with our lives…that it is almost impossible to do “ministry.”
God keeps breaking through those walls and taking us further than we could imagine given our limitations right now. These limitations are not necessarily disappearing; rather, God is working through the limitations. Because my husband’s job has an abnormal schedule, he is actually able to be home two Monday mornings a month. This means that he can be with our boys on those Mondays, allowing me to teach at a women’s Bible study those two Monday mornings each month.
While we aren’t present in the north part of the city yet, we are learning how to care about our neighbors right now where we are. Really being in relationship with neighbors is a brand new reality for me and something that is taking some growth on my part. It would be silly to wait to start this learning process until we’ve moved to our focus neighborhood.
And although our condo is small, we still have enough room to have some people over. And even though, it’s too noisy in such a small space to have people over after “bedtime,” we have discovered that late afternoon/early evening on the weekend is a great time to have people over. We even found a small space in the condo for our littlest man to sleep so that we don’t wake him up as much (which means he’s not waking us up as much either!).
So often right now, I feel like I have so very little to offer to God. I feel like what’s available in me for Him to use is almost too small to really be used. Sometimes I get stuck in the “when we have a house, then we will…” or “when the boys are able to go into childcare, then I can…” or “when we are finally sleeping through the night, then we’ll have energy to…” or “when we finally move into that neighborhood, then we can…” mentality.
What God was showing me last night on my walk was that He is already working right now with what I have to offer Him. It was last night that He reminded me of the boys’ lunch of loaves and fishes that Jesus was able to use to feed thousands. This gave me a fresh perspective. What I have to offer to God may be small; however, He is able to do whatever He desires with what I have. He is not surprised by the “smallness” of my life right now. Nor is He surprised that we haven’t moved into our house yet. He is not demanding that I come up with something great on my own with which to engage in His Kingdom. Rather, He is simply asking me to consider what I do have and offer that to Him. He then will take it and use it for His purposes and His glory. He is simply asking for my “loaves and fishes” not for me to figure out how to feed the thousands on my own.
2.27.2012
2.15.2012
My Three
I am at this critical mass point where how I live my life is heavily impacting others’ lives. Three others to be specific: one husband, one toddler, and one baby. I find myself often in the tension of being overwhelmed by tasks and chores competing with the vast need for love and affection and attention my three require.
While my husband was out of town, I really enjoyed being with my boys and discovered I had all this reserve energy. Part of it was a result of others’ prayers for that time to be peaceful. But the other part was that I engaged in those few days with very little expectation on what I would get done. I planned to just be with the boys. I also had lots of time to myself while the boys napped or once they were in bed.
So, we are evaluating how to make that peace, life, and energy more my “all the time” reality.
My peaceful weekend with the boys also occurred around the same time that I was preparing the wife as helper lesson for our medical wives’ Bible study. One of the questions I asked the ladies to ask their own husbands was essentially, “How can I be more emotionally/relationally available to you?” The idea being that God created the woman as a helper in response to it not being good for the man to be alone. It’s amazing how intensely God uses my own life as an object lesson for the things I plan to teach in Bible study.
My husband’s answer to that question confirmed the need for me to evaluate how to prioritize being present. Through a few good conversations he asked me to consider how I could back up on household/life tasks so that I could be more emotionally and relationally present with him and the boys. He wants more of me. And he wants the boys to have more of me, too. So, now my job is to figure out what needs to be streamlined, removed, or done differently so that I am able to give more of me to my three.
This also means that now, more than ever, I need to prioritize my alone time so that I can recharge my introverted self. This means that journaling, reading, and writing are essentials while the boys nap in the afternoon. If I am going to have anything of myself to give to my boys during the day or my husband at the end of the day, I have to prioritize regaining energy, peace, and life by being alone and quiet and inside my head and my heart. I have to take time to connect to the Spirit through journaling and prayer, gaining His perspective on all that is going on around me, asking Him for the ability to love and be present.
If I am going to get stressed over some seeming “goal” I have in my head, it’s probably not necessary or at least the way I’m planning to do it is not necessary. For instance, rather than homemade Valentine’s Day treats for friends and neighbors, our treats were store bought. Rather than having a perfect house, I am opting for more time with my family, which means that there is clean laundry waiting to be folded and a vacuum cleaner that needs to be dropped off at the repair shop (which means my floor is currently “unvacuumed”). For the organized task-master that I am, these small loose ends are milestones for me in choosing what to prioritize in any given moment.
Having a husband who wants more of me is good thing. And at the end of our life, I know that I would regret missing him (or the boys) more than I will regret not having all my tasks done all the time.
While my husband was out of town, I really enjoyed being with my boys and discovered I had all this reserve energy. Part of it was a result of others’ prayers for that time to be peaceful. But the other part was that I engaged in those few days with very little expectation on what I would get done. I planned to just be with the boys. I also had lots of time to myself while the boys napped or once they were in bed.
So, we are evaluating how to make that peace, life, and energy more my “all the time” reality.
My peaceful weekend with the boys also occurred around the same time that I was preparing the wife as helper lesson for our medical wives’ Bible study. One of the questions I asked the ladies to ask their own husbands was essentially, “How can I be more emotionally/relationally available to you?” The idea being that God created the woman as a helper in response to it not being good for the man to be alone. It’s amazing how intensely God uses my own life as an object lesson for the things I plan to teach in Bible study.
My husband’s answer to that question confirmed the need for me to evaluate how to prioritize being present. Through a few good conversations he asked me to consider how I could back up on household/life tasks so that I could be more emotionally and relationally present with him and the boys. He wants more of me. And he wants the boys to have more of me, too. So, now my job is to figure out what needs to be streamlined, removed, or done differently so that I am able to give more of me to my three.
This also means that now, more than ever, I need to prioritize my alone time so that I can recharge my introverted self. This means that journaling, reading, and writing are essentials while the boys nap in the afternoon. If I am going to have anything of myself to give to my boys during the day or my husband at the end of the day, I have to prioritize regaining energy, peace, and life by being alone and quiet and inside my head and my heart. I have to take time to connect to the Spirit through journaling and prayer, gaining His perspective on all that is going on around me, asking Him for the ability to love and be present.
If I am going to get stressed over some seeming “goal” I have in my head, it’s probably not necessary or at least the way I’m planning to do it is not necessary. For instance, rather than homemade Valentine’s Day treats for friends and neighbors, our treats were store bought. Rather than having a perfect house, I am opting for more time with my family, which means that there is clean laundry waiting to be folded and a vacuum cleaner that needs to be dropped off at the repair shop (which means my floor is currently “unvacuumed”). For the organized task-master that I am, these small loose ends are milestones for me in choosing what to prioritize in any given moment.
Having a husband who wants more of me is good thing. And at the end of our life, I know that I would regret missing him (or the boys) more than I will regret not having all my tasks done all the time.
2.08.2012
Motherhood Moments
This is a more lighthearted post, with links at the end of articles that have been especially encouraging and insightful…ones that I wish someone would have printed off and handed me the moment my first baby was born. My husband has been out of town for the past five days, and like a wise woman, I have not posted about his absence online until he was back home. Didn’t want the world knowing I’m home alone for five days. They have been a good five days with my boys, and here are just a few highlights.
My toddler must have picked up on the fact that I’ve been a little stressed getting the baby down for naps. And I must have been a little straightforward [harsh] in my tone with him early on in the five days that my husband was gone, because every few hours now, he puts his baby (a boy baby doll) down for a nap and looks at me and says, “sh, sh, sh,” shuts the bedroom door and tells me very clearly that the baby is in “beeeeeed.” He is implying that I am not to go in the room where his baby is asleep in bed and is making it very clear that I need to not wake his baby up. I wonder where he got that idea???
It seems that both of my boys have synchronized their stinky diapers to be right after I nurse my baby and right before we need to walk out the door to be somewhere. Makes for an eventful exit to say the least!
My toddler is sleeping better [not waking up four or five times a night] now that I’ve asked the next door neighbor to please close her door quietly after eight in the evening. I am so glad that we were able to link his seeming “sleep problem” to the loud door slams next door right before my husband went out of town. And I am so glad to have a considerate neighbor who has consistently closed her door quietly since I asked. Without this, the last few days (and nights) could have been much more treacherous for me!
Finally, I was out shopping at a craft store on Saturday with my boys (it’s totally sane to take a 21 month old and 4 month old to a craft store by myself, right????), when more than one person commented that I had “my hands full.” Some of them implying that they would never want to switch places with me in a million years. What’s so ironic is that my boys were being well behaved (and are seriously the cutest kids ever!), so the negative tone (as always) surprised me. I must have been a little ticked off because by the time the last person said it to me, I commented back very confidently and happily, “Yes, and it’s wonderful!” To which she replied, “Well, enjoy them while they’re young…” As if to say there is no hope for their future and they are simply destined to be hellians! I wanted to (but didn’t) retort back, “Yes, and I plan to enjoy them when they’re older, too!”
On that note, below are a few links to some posts that have challenged me and encouraged me as a mom and I hope they will do the same for you:
A Father's Covenant
How to Be the Perfect Mother
Motherhood As a Calling
My toddler must have picked up on the fact that I’ve been a little stressed getting the baby down for naps. And I must have been a little straightforward [harsh] in my tone with him early on in the five days that my husband was gone, because every few hours now, he puts his baby (a boy baby doll) down for a nap and looks at me and says, “sh, sh, sh,” shuts the bedroom door and tells me very clearly that the baby is in “beeeeeed.” He is implying that I am not to go in the room where his baby is asleep in bed and is making it very clear that I need to not wake his baby up. I wonder where he got that idea???
It seems that both of my boys have synchronized their stinky diapers to be right after I nurse my baby and right before we need to walk out the door to be somewhere. Makes for an eventful exit to say the least!
My toddler is sleeping better [not waking up four or five times a night] now that I’ve asked the next door neighbor to please close her door quietly after eight in the evening. I am so glad that we were able to link his seeming “sleep problem” to the loud door slams next door right before my husband went out of town. And I am so glad to have a considerate neighbor who has consistently closed her door quietly since I asked. Without this, the last few days (and nights) could have been much more treacherous for me!
Finally, I was out shopping at a craft store on Saturday with my boys (it’s totally sane to take a 21 month old and 4 month old to a craft store by myself, right????), when more than one person commented that I had “my hands full.” Some of them implying that they would never want to switch places with me in a million years. What’s so ironic is that my boys were being well behaved (and are seriously the cutest kids ever!), so the negative tone (as always) surprised me. I must have been a little ticked off because by the time the last person said it to me, I commented back very confidently and happily, “Yes, and it’s wonderful!” To which she replied, “Well, enjoy them while they’re young…” As if to say there is no hope for their future and they are simply destined to be hellians! I wanted to (but didn’t) retort back, “Yes, and I plan to enjoy them when they’re older, too!”
On that note, below are a few links to some posts that have challenged me and encouraged me as a mom and I hope they will do the same for you:
A Father's Covenant
How to Be the Perfect Mother
Motherhood As a Calling
2.01.2012
Reverse Engineering
I’ve been wrestling again some with that desire to feel important. I’ve missed teaching. But really, I’ve missed feeling like I’m accomplishing something valuable at the end of every day. Looking at my lesson plan book each day and seeing what I accomplished as an educator was so rewarding. It is easy to lose the bigger vision of a life well lived loving Jesus, loving and serving my husband, loving and shepherding my boys when all the tasks begin to blur into one long stretch of laundry, dishes, diapers, and dinner.
So I sat down the other day during naptime and prayerfully took out my journal (which is actually just a three dollar notebook) and began to write. I asked myself what I wanted my life to look like in twenty years. In twenty years, I’ll be almost fifty. If I look at where I want to be at that point, then maybe I would understand better what it is I am to be working on now. Some of the questions that emerged as I pondered this were: “Who do I want to be at fifty?” “What do I want my relationships to look like at fifty?” And even more importantly, “What do I need to do now to get those results at fifty?”
This is what surfaced as I considered those questions:
I want my husband and I to still be best friends. This means that I need to build that friendship now…I need to make time for him…I need to participate in his activities…and most importantly, I need to listen well to him.
I want to be able to hear the Spirit and obey. I need to practice this now to do that well at fifty.
I want Christ to continually be central in everything, living my whole life for Him. I could not think of a specific result or ministry or outcome I hope to see at fifty, because honestly, how could I even know what He will call me to or ask me to do between now and fifty?! What I want is a life characterized by obedience to what He asks me to do in various seasons, which means I just need to practice that right now.
I want to be a life-giving person, someone who others want to be around because I possess a peace, joy, and wisdom of soul. This means I need to be dealing with the things that go on inside my soul, as well as deal with the external factors that impact my soul. I need to continually be taking these to Jesus to transform and heal. This means I need to consider how to set my life up in such a way that I am at peace…and experiencing joy and gaining wisdom. I am not just going to automatically be at peace, exude joy, and pour out wisdom; rather, these are characteristics I need to be intentional about developing.
I want to have relationship with my boys (and any other children God gives us). My two boys will be 22 and 20 in twenty years. I want to be able to have conversations with them and to really know them. This means that I need to build those relationships now by engaging with them currently. I need to put effort into making their life enjoyable. I need to focus on fun, play, and being present with them if I want to build a relationship with them.
What about you? If you were going to reverse engineer your life, what would your desired life outcome be in twenty years? And what do you need to do now to get there then?
So I sat down the other day during naptime and prayerfully took out my journal (which is actually just a three dollar notebook) and began to write. I asked myself what I wanted my life to look like in twenty years. In twenty years, I’ll be almost fifty. If I look at where I want to be at that point, then maybe I would understand better what it is I am to be working on now. Some of the questions that emerged as I pondered this were: “Who do I want to be at fifty?” “What do I want my relationships to look like at fifty?” And even more importantly, “What do I need to do now to get those results at fifty?”
This is what surfaced as I considered those questions:
I want my husband and I to still be best friends. This means that I need to build that friendship now…I need to make time for him…I need to participate in his activities…and most importantly, I need to listen well to him.
I want to be able to hear the Spirit and obey. I need to practice this now to do that well at fifty.
I want Christ to continually be central in everything, living my whole life for Him. I could not think of a specific result or ministry or outcome I hope to see at fifty, because honestly, how could I even know what He will call me to or ask me to do between now and fifty?! What I want is a life characterized by obedience to what He asks me to do in various seasons, which means I just need to practice that right now.
I want to be a life-giving person, someone who others want to be around because I possess a peace, joy, and wisdom of soul. This means I need to be dealing with the things that go on inside my soul, as well as deal with the external factors that impact my soul. I need to continually be taking these to Jesus to transform and heal. This means I need to consider how to set my life up in such a way that I am at peace…and experiencing joy and gaining wisdom. I am not just going to automatically be at peace, exude joy, and pour out wisdom; rather, these are characteristics I need to be intentional about developing.
I want to have relationship with my boys (and any other children God gives us). My two boys will be 22 and 20 in twenty years. I want to be able to have conversations with them and to really know them. This means that I need to build those relationships now by engaging with them currently. I need to put effort into making their life enjoyable. I need to focus on fun, play, and being present with them if I want to build a relationship with them.
What about you? If you were going to reverse engineer your life, what would your desired life outcome be in twenty years? And what do you need to do now to get there then?
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