Getting My Act Together

About two weeks ago, my friend (and editor) sent my book back to me to approve (or reject) her final edits.  I had been so excited for this phase of writing…the final leg!  However, the last two weeks have been so very difficult, especially in feeling any success in being a mom.  My inability to do anything “right” reached a high point one morning last week, when after a morning of barely being able to keep my patience losing my patience multiple times with the two little people who live with me, I realized not only was I late on my way over to a new friend’s house for a play date, but I was also incredibly lost.  I pulled up in front of her house, almost in tears, feeling like I just couldn’t succeed at anything…even finding a house that was literally a half a mile away from mine!

Thankfully my friend was kind and welcoming and didn’t seem at all phased by the fact that we were about a half hour late.  During our visit that morning, she asked how my book was coming along.  I began to share with her that I had received the final edits, but just couldn’t seem to work up the motivation to finish.  Then I paused…and decided to share what was really going on with me.  More than not having the motivation, the truth was that I felt like God was reminding me that I, too, need the Gospel.  The truth was I felt like I was failing so miserably at all this womanhood stuff that I didn’t feel the desire to finish up a book on womanhood, when in reality, that is exactly what God was wanting to show me (and exactly what the book is all about): that I do not have it all together.   In fact, the goal is not for me to have it all together, but to recognize that I don’t have it all together and turn to God to make everything whole and alive and restored.

The weight of that settled on me all the way home.  I am not supposed to have it all together, yet I had been waiting to have it all together so that I could finish this book.  The message of this book (and, well, the Gospel) is exactly opposite of “getting it together.”  I am desperate for a Rescuer…even in my most practical, everyday moments.  There is a Rescuer who I can turn to and ask for help.  I can ask Him to step into the struggles I am having.  I can ask Him to change my heart when I am losing my patience.  He is there to show me His plan for motherhood and womanhood and life…but He is not standing back waiting for me to figure it out, checking my performance to see if I got it “right”; instead, He is longing to step in and not only show me how to live out His plans, but to actually enable me by the Spirit to live out His plans.

It’s a good thing this clarity came on that drive home, because the day just kept falling apart even after the boys were laid down for naps.  Only once this clarity had come, there was a peace that settled on my heart that I didn’t have to get everything “right.”  There was a release to recognize and admit just how much I was desperate for God’s grace. 

So, I am just now beginning to work on the final edits for my book.  Only as I do this, I am looking at the book from the perspective of one who definitely does not it all together.  Instead, I am looking at the book from the perspective of one who is desperate for the Gospel to be experienced and expressed in everyday life.  And I am beginning to be excited again for this last leg of the book process.