life as worship

Life Now

2012-01-26T13:43:00.000-08:00

I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after the wind.
Ecclesiastes 1:14

I recently read some of my old blog posts and realized how honest and fresh my writing was. I was sharing what God was showing me and doing inside of me regularly and often. Now, I barely put up a post a week. If I were to share what’s really going on inside of me (which I will attempt today), I often fear that it will come across as simple and disjointed.

I started leading Bible study again. And I love it! It’s not as much a formal Bible study as it is an opportunity for women to engage with the Spirit as they read the Scriptures, trusting that Jesus can transform them. This is one of my favorite things to do, facilitate an opportunity for others and myself to meet with God.

Plus, Bible study gives me an opportunity to use my gifts and interact with other adults.

Most of my days follow the same routine: wake, coffee, dress the boys, start the laundry, feed the baby, do the dishes, feed the toddler (and myself), put the baby down for a nap, take a shower, feed the baby, run an errand/have a play date/clean the house, put the baby down for a nap, feed the toddler (and myself), feed the baby, play a little, put the toddler down for a nap, do random tasks…and on and on it goes (a striving after the wind?).

Because of this constant motion, these constant tasks, I have found it difficult to just stop and be and see and enjoy. I have been given an amazing husband and two awesome little boys. And yet, so often at the end of the day, I find myself wondering if I truly enjoyed them. We all got fed and dressed and the dishes were done. I wonder, though, if I truly saw and appreciated and delighted in each of my guys.

As I have been preparing this Bible study for the spring, I have become so aware of the Scriptural call to love and enjoy my husband and children, and I have become so aware of my task-focused heart. So, I have begun praying for God to transform my heart, to give me a heart that delights in these gifts I was given. In the end, only He will be able to give me a heart that truly sees and enjoys.

I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God's gift to man. Ecclesiastes 3:12-13

I’ve started practicing listening for God’s voice reminding me when to stop and play and just enjoy. I do not do it perfect every day, but I am learning to maximize even on small moments for enjoying my guys.

So, we’ve watched a few episodes of “Up All Night” (which makes us laugh at our life) and I’ve created all sorts of Pandora stations (for every mood) and my husband and I have a cup of tea together most nights (after the boys are in bed) and I am reading “Real Marriage” and I (with a little help from my son) try to build at least one tower every day and I try to be silly enough to get my baby to laugh at me at least once a day. This is my life now. And this is how I practice enjoying it.

Carrie

2012-01-20T11:36:00.000-08:00

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Very soon, Carrie, an acquaintance of mine will be heading overseas to Southeast Asia to get involved in the counter-human trafficking movement. She will be serving with an organization called “Ezekiel Rain.” (To read more about this organization, click here.) While many of the details of what exactly she will be doing are still open, she definitely will be praying for and encouraging children rescued out of sex slavery. I have asked her to share some of her story with me so that I can share it with you. My hope is that this brief interview will bring the work of rescue and restoration closer to you as a real person shares her real story of getting involved in this movement. She shares how you, too, can get involved in even the simplest ways.

What is “human trafficking”?

It’s the exploitation of people, usually through sex slavery or forced labor. Victims are bought, sold, and rented out as if they were possessions rather than people.

How did you first hear about human trafficking?

I first learned about it in June 2005 while editing a document for the IHOP-KC marketing department. I came upon the term “sex slavery”. Having never heard of such a thing I looked it up online, and I was horrified by what I found.

What’s your approach to responding to human trafficking?

As the Lord has shared His heart with me concerning these ones I’ve spent many hours weeping for them, and He has shown me that his greatest desire is for them to know and love Him. This must be the focus of whatever I do. I’ve felt called to full-time missions for over ten years, and once I began to feel God’s heart for these ones I started asking Him to send me to SE Asia. For several years I’ve felt confident He would do so one day, and that it would be with a ministry deeply committed to prayer and seeing Jesus receive His inheritance.

In October the Lord made it clear He’s sending me to Thailand to work with a prayer and counter-human trafficking ministry called Ezekiel Rain. Their vision is to set up homes for children who have been rescued from human trafficking, where they can come to know and love Jesus in an atmosphere of prayer and worship. I will be serving in their prayer room, serving the ministry in various ways, encouraging the children, and doing anything else the Lord opens the door for. My heart is also to build friendships with as many women and children stuck in prostitution as I can, in hopes of bringing them to Jesus.

How can others get involved?

Pray. Ask Jesus to reveal Himself to those enslaved in human trafficking throughout the nations. Ask Him what role He would have you play. Find out about ministries, organizations and missionaries that are working to put an end to slavery, and if Jesus puts it on your heart to get involved with any of them pursue that. Most likely there are such organizations near you. Pray for these ministries, organizations and missionaries, and if the Lord puts it on your heart, financially support them. If we ask Him for His heart He will definitely share it with us and give us outlets for displaying it to others.

...And Picking Up Your Tools

2012-01-16T13:09:00.000-08:00

As a follow up to "Opening Your Eyes," I want to share a variety of websites for you to peruse as ways for you to pick up your tools in the fight against human trafficking. Please take time to look at the brief description of each of these websites, looking at the ones that stir your heart. Consider how you can get involved in the rescuing, restorative work of Jesus towards the captives.

International Justice Mission
If you have never looked at the International Justice Mission, it is a definite must! The work they do is incredible and there are several ways to be involved, even if you only have 3 minutes (check out the Justice Campaigns under the Get Involved section). Click here.

Free the Slaves
Slavery is still real today ... take time to learn about it (and about ending it). Click here.

The Not for Sale Campaign
If the reality of human trafficking has caught your attention, take time today to look at Not for Sale...the information and possibilities on this website are amazing! Click here.

The All Things New Campaign
For rehabilitation efforts in the U.S. for women and children who have been victims of sex trafficking, look at the All Things New Campaign. Click here.

Love 146
As I have been learning about human trafficking, one of the organizations that has stood out to me is Love146. The work they do is phenomenal, both on the awareness side and on the recovery side. Take time to look at what they do and consider how you might be able to get involved. Click here.

The Sold Project
To learn about very simple ways to be involved in preventing child trafficking in Thailand. Click here.

Angel Eyes for Asia
A group working with the rehabilitation of women and children who have been victims of human trafficking is Angel Eyes for Asia. Click here.

Hagar International
Check out Hagar International ... they help women in Afghanistan, Cambodia, and Vietnam recover, become empowered, and reintegrate. It's a phenomenal work! Click here.

Ezekiel Rain
This group works towards the restoration of formerly enslaved children in Southeast Asia. An emphasis of this organization is the work of interecessory prayer. Click here.

O.A.T.H.
For those of you living in Oklahoma, this group is “Oklahomans Against the Trafficking of Humans.” If you are looking for a local organization to become involved with, this is the one for you. Click here.

Opening Your Eyes

2012-01-13T13:06:00.000-08:00

Last night I just finished reading a young adult novel that powerfully and engagingly brings attention to the tragedy of human trafficking. After I finished reading this book, my husband and I spent some time praying and asking God to show us how to engage in the fight against human trafficking. At this very moment (as a stay-at-home mom during my kids’ naptime), one of my most powerful weapons is the written word through this blog. In an effort to expose the horrific reality of human trafficking, I challenge you to do one of two things: either read the novel I just read, "The Cage" by Jacci Turner (click here), or read the blog post, “Human Trafficking: Recommended Reading” (click here).

It’s time to open our eyes and step into the fight against human trafficking. Be looking for an upcoming post about ways to get involved in this fight.

Honesty about the Illusion

2012-01-11T14:05:00.000-08:00

A freind's blog post recently exposed again to me the illusion of the "American Dream." To read this post, “Mrs. Gore is in ‘Seven’ Heaven," click here. It is a brief blog post that is refreshing, challenging, and real. Mrs. Gore is more honest about her longings in that public post than most of us dare to be with ourselves. Her post has again renewed in me a love for my garage sale and Craigslist items, a passion to minimize clutter, and a fresh devotion to very necessary Sabbath-rest. It is so worth reading!

The Power to Change

2012-01-03T12:16:00.000-08:00

With the new year starting, there is a renewed desire in many of us to change and be different, to do better this year than we did last year. Yet, so often, we find ourselves faltering, lacking the power to change. We want to be different, we want to be better, but we often fail. One of my favorite preachers (…my husband…) spoke at our church on New Year’s Day, addressing the power to change. I highly recommend listening to what he said last Sunday and taking time to reflect on how what he said impacts your life as you start this year off. To listen, click here.

...born that man no more may die...

2011-12-22T12:52:00.000-08:00

Death is always creeping around us. And not just physical death, but the death that comes from sin in our lives. Anytime we sin, we bring an element of death into our lives. I see and feel the effects of sin in my own life, realizing that when I choose to sin, I choose to welcome death into my very existence. Sin is limiting and crippling, leading to death in me (death in any and all areas of my life).

God desires life for me instead of death. And it is because of this desire that He sent Jesus to earth to live among humanity, become the ultimate sacrifice (making payment for my sin), and ultimately conquer death of all kinds. Through His sacrifice and His conquering death, Jesus made a way for me to receive life from God. No longer am I bound to continue to live full of death, but am able to be connected to God and to be given life. Those places of sin and death no longer have to remain in me. When I give them over to God for Him to change me, I can be freed from the death that I possess and can be given life. Because of Jesus, I can be fully alive.

This is what I will be celebrating on Sunday. Of course, I will enjoy all the traditional holiday festivities (Chris H., I will beat you this year at the Gingerbread House Contest) but will also be holding deeply to the truth that Jesus came so that I can be made alive and do not have to walk around embodying death.

Right Posture

2011-12-20T12:58:00.000-08:00

As my husband and I move forward pursuing a move into the north part of our city and as we begin taking steps to lead out in a missional community approach through our church, I have been asking God to keep my heart in the right posture. Specifically, I have been asking Him for humility…so that I do not think that I’m just so amazing…and to remember that anything that I do is because of Him in me and is ultimately to show Him to the world around me.

I know that when I pray stuff like that, then usually God points out so many areas that I am still desperately in need of Him and shows me that I am not a self-sufficient superstar. Over the weekend so many areas of my own personal weakness became glaringly apparent. As the weekend progressed, it became more and more obvious that I needed to just recognize my weaknesses, own them, and ask Jesus to begin to transform those areas that are still so imperfect.

It’s a funny thing that when you ask God to keep your heart in a right posture to Him, He will actually do it. So, over the last few days, He has been showing me exactly where I still need His power in my life. He has been showing me again the truth of the Gospel: that I am desperately in need of Him to rescue me and restore me. I am prevented from thinking too highly of myself when my imperfections are staring me in the face. I am also prevented from hopelessness and self-deprecation when Jesus’ rescue of me is also staring me in the face. Because of Jesus, I (even though I am sinful and imperfect) can have hope (that I will continually be transformed as I follow Him). This is how my heart stays in right posture before an amazing God.

To check the posture of your heart, I recommend listening to this sermon (it rocks me every time I listen to it):
“Posture,” Harvey Turner, Living Stones, Luke: Series 02, Part 4, 4.29.07. (You can find it on iTunes under the Living Stones podcast.)

For the Ladies: Minister

2011-12-13T12:07:00.000-08:00

A Lifestyle Calling: The Home and Beyond

The Scriptural perspective of ministry for the woman (and, really, for any followers of Jesus) is more than a “full-time” ministry job at a church; rather, it is a lifestyle calling. According to Scripture, our whole lives are meant to be a form of worship to God, displaying Him to others. Our lives are also meant to be a conduit to minister to the world around us (2 Corinthians 5:16-19). We see this throughout the Scripture as we see that the woman’s role as minister is focused in her home with her family and extends through her home to her friends, neighbors, the city, and the world.

As we have seen in the homebuilder post (see, “For the Ladies: Homebuilder”), the home is the primary place she will pour herself out. She is creating a home not only through functional measures with functional outcomes but also spiritual measures with spiritual outcomes. There is both a tangible and an intangible reality to the home she creates. It is through her home that she ministers first to her family and then to those around her. The home as a center of ministry is often downplayed in our culture; however, the home is a vital source of ministry first for the woman’s family and second for others to be brought into the sanctuary that is her home.

The Home:

She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue… (Proverbs 31:26)

Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. (Proverbs 31:23)

Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her… (Proverbs 31:28)

For her family she manages their daily life, provides food for them, prepares their clothing, etc. She also pours herself out as a ministry to her husband through helping him by listening to him, encouraging, offering insight as God reveals, being a companion, offering her strengths to him, and being a lover to him. She then pours herself out in ministry to her children by loving them and by talking with them about their everyday lives, easily and applicably incorporating God’s truth into those conversations. She sees giving herself to and loving the people in her home as her primary ministry. She is always teaching about God through the way she lives, listens, and shares insights and truth. Because of the woman she is, she does not disqualify her husband from his calling; rather, she pours into him to help him be the man he was created to be. Her family affirms her because she was present in their home and lives.

Not only does the woman pour herself out to her family in her home, but she also opens her home as a place of ministry to others. She practices a lifestyle of hospitality and teaches others truth as they intersect with her life. The woman understands the value and importance of her home as a space for others to be brought into because she has created it as a sanctuary. Because of the importance she has placed on ministering first to her family, there is a unity and life among her family that she has facilitated. Because they are alive, thriving, and bonded, she is then able to invite others to participate in their life. The Gospel reality of her family becomes something that others can be brought into. She also knows when to scale back from bringing others into her home in order to minister to her family. There will be times when she will simplify the hospitality she offers and others she brings into her home as her family has greater need for care; then there will be other times where she will be able to bring many through her sanctuary of a home. It is important to not forget that our most important ministry as women is pouring ourselves into our home and family first and having our other ministries happen as an overflow of that first and primary ministry of home and family.

And Beyond:

She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue… (Proverbs 31:26)

Older women likewise are to…to teach what is good… (Titus 2:3)

She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. (Proverbs 31:20)

What we see as specific ministry roles explained through the “womanhood” Scriptures are simply teaching others and serving the poor. These may be done either inside or outside the home and may be lived out many different ways. Women are not limited to these two ministry areas; rather, women do possess a variety of spiritual gifts and may function in many different ministry roles. For our purpose, though, the ones we see as an overflow of womanhood are the ministries of perpetuating wisdom through teaching others and of reaching out to the poor.

In order to actually pass along wisdom, one must possess wisdom. And in order to gain wisdom, one must develop that inner life with God (mentioned in “For the Ladies: Christian”). By gaining wisdom through being connected to God, the woman will then be able to teach wisdom, kindness and whatever else is good.

The woman who follows Jesus will also care for the poor in some capacity. This will take many different forms throughout the various seasons of the woman’s life. The principle, though, remains that throughout her life that she will continually consider how she can open her hand to the poor. My guess is that having an open hand to the poor was important to mention in the context of the womanhood Scriptures because a woman who follows God would have an understanding of being given much (grace, freedom, rescue, etc.) and would give of her self in response to all that she has been given. The woman also sets the tone of her own home and would primarily be the one to encourage her husband and children to give to and serve the poor.

Again, the woman’s areas of ministry are not relegated to passing along wisdom to others and to serving the poor; however, we see that these two areas are characteristics of and should be evidenced in all women who follow God.

Here We Go...

2011-12-09T14:36:00.000-08:00

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:19

I am interrupting the series I have been working on to share what God has been doing in mine and my husband’s life. For the last few months, we have been praying about what to do “next.” We have been feeling like we were reaching a “critical mass” moment in our life. Our agreement had been to not make any changes to our life until three months after our son was born. The reason for this was simply to give me a chance to be a “normal” person post-partum. I struggled with a little post-partum depression after my first son was born, and I wanted to make every effort (for my sake and ultimately for my whole family’s sake) to not find myself in that same struggle this time. Taking these precautions required my husband to set aside a calling to move to the north part of our city (to read this back story, read the following posts: “North” and “North, Part 2 (a.k.a. “Oneness”)”). He was faithful to his calling as husband to lay down his life for me when I was in need of being treated with care (read, “Porcelain, Part 1”).

Due to much prayer for this season and a calm and consistent life these last few months, I thankfully have not struggled with post-partum depression this time around. In fact, over the past few months, my husband and I have been consistently talking about our next season of life and all the possibilities that are in front of us. For quite a while, we were leaning toward moving to Washington to join Soma Communities (to read more about this, click here) so that we could learn how to do “missional communities.” Basically, a missional community is a small group of people who gather regularly to share life and learn more about God together, while focusing on one primary “mission” to serve their city. Missional communities are meant to serve others and live out life as God intended. Both my husband and I have a heart for discipleship/shepherding. We love walking with others through life and engaging what God is doing in them. We love leading small groups of people to know God more. So, moving to Washington and purposefully learning this missional communities lifestyle seemed like a good fit.

We were somewhat considering staying in our current town and either moving into the north part of the city or not and either having my husband stay at his current job with a Christian medical residency program or not. I was also considering having us move back to my hometown to be a part of my old church (Living Stones), simply because I so missed and longed to again be a part of that community and mission.

Then a crucial conversation happened. The night before Thanksgiving, my husband and I went out for a dinner “date” (with both babies in tow). On that date, we had a valuable conversation about surrender and our need to be fully surrendered to whatever God would show us…even if it meant staying put.

The next day (Thanksgiving Day) my husband was able to leave the hospital earlier than usual…right in time for the boys’ naps (naptimes are such an evidence of grace!). We spent that whole afternoon talking through what each of us felt in regards to surrender and staying. We each shared that neither of us had a clear direction to move to Washington. My husband shared again that last January he had felt that we were called to move into the north part of our city. As we talked, we both agreed that a good default for our life is to always fall back to the last thing either of us possibly heard from God and obey that leading. So, we started seriously considering staying here and moving into the north part of the city. All of the sudden so much clarity came to us. My husband had been feeling like he had tried to follow God in what he thought God was leading him to do (move into the north part of the city), but that it had not been good for his family (i.e. me, in regards to post-partum depression prevention). As a result of this, my husband had really been struggling with whether he was really hearing the Lord or not. It seemed as though he could either obey God in a calling towards the north or obey God in a calling to care for me, his wife. As we talked, it became clear that he would be able to do both now…that both were calls from God and were not mutually exclusive.

We both agreed that not moving eight months ago was the right decision. We both see how much stronger our marriage is, how much oneness we now possess. We are also both amazed at the grace we have been given to have a peaceful season in which I have been myself (and not a depressed version of me). We see how good this time has been for our family. There are many other details that would not have been good for us if we had moved into the north eight months ago. We feel that God is calling us to move into the north now. We feel the affirmation that my husband does hear the Lord and that I do too. We are learning that we may hear different details about what God wants to speak to us. The goal is to bring those details together to discover the whole picture of how God is leading our family.

And now, we are ready to pursue moving up there. So many pieces and possibilities have started clicking into place since our conversation during naptime on Thanksgiving Day. I see so much evidence of grace in how things are coming together.

As we have reflected back, we have seen that God has been working in us to transform us towards this next step. My heart for our current city has been developing (read, “The City”). One of my husband’s friends has opened a prayer house in the north. We are under the authority of a church, which actually brings freedom. We have friends in the north and more that want to move into the area. And we will still pursue learning the concept of missional communitites through sermons from Soma Communitites. We simply want to be obedient to whatever God is calling us to do. We know that He wants to do a “new thing.” And so the adventure begins. Here we go…

For the Ladies: Homebuilder

2011-11-29T13:43:00.000-08:00

Homebuilder – The Call and The Application

The home is the hub for the family to be ministered to, and as they are ministered to in the home, they can bring people into the home to minister to them. The home is meant to be one of the core centers of ministry.

If the woman understands herself through a Gospel identity as a follower of Jesus, then her ultimate reality comes from the Scripture as her source of truth. In order to approach the next role of the woman, it is vital to keep the Scripture as the filter through which we determine our priorities. Scripture clearly calls the woman to build her home, listing out a variety of ways that the woman does this. This call to build her home is not necessarily at the exclusion of another job; however, it is clear in Scripture that the husband’s responsibility is to work and provide for his family and the wife’s responsibility and call is to build her home. Women are free to work (the woman in Proverbs 31 had business ventures outside the home) with the understanding that their primary call is to build their home.

I actually really struggled with the value of this call when I first got married. Before I got married, I had been a successful elementary school teacher, mentoring other teachers, and working towards my master’s degree in school administration. I was also a deacon at my church and a small groups’ coach. When I married my husband, I moved to the town he lived in and at his suggestion took a year off of work. It felt so foreign to me to be primarily focused on our home and not primarily focused on outside work/monistry. Early on in our marriage, when he shared that it mattered a lot to him that I cook dinner for him, I was appalled that he expected me to cook dinner all the time. I did not realize at the time that I was actually ministering to him through every dinner I cooked.

I really did not have a personal context for the importance of my role as homebuilder. God began working on my heart. My husband, also, began helping me learn how to be a homebuilder within the context of the woman I was created to be. My husband continually praised all that I did to create our home, and after our son was born, my husband continually affirmed how valuable he it was (is) for me to stay home with our son. I share all this simply to communicate, that I am a part of a culture of women who really struggle with the call to be homebuilders. After our son was born, I spent time studying the Scripture and evaluating our life so that I could understand what it was that I was actually called as a woman/wife/mom. I loved my previous career and ministry; however, Scripture was so clear that the call of the woman is her husband, children, and home before a career. It was a major paradigm shift for me to align myself with the Scriptural calling towards the home. So, what does Scripture say about the call and the living out the reality of homebuilder?

The Call

The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down. (Proverbs 14:1)

She looks well to the ways of her household… (Proverbs 31:27)

…working at home… (Titus 2:5)

So far, we have seen that as women, we are called to the following roles: Christian, wife, and mother. Next, we are also called to the role of homebuilder. A woman (whether single or married) builds her home through managing the every day practical needs of her home, while also creating a place of rest, life, and worship in her home. She does this through engaging her children and husband under a long-term perspective of what she is trying to build into their lives. As we have seen in the roles of wife and mom, the woman is continually connecting with God in order to help her husband and children become the people they were created to be. The power of her role in their lives is immeasurable. Naturally, the home environment she creates for them will largely affect their every day reality and the people they will become.

I asked my husband what parts of being a homebuilder he saw as most important. He shared that what he sees is that the call of the homebuilder is about presence and provision. He explained that the wife’s call is to create a home where she facilitates the activity and presence of God. She is making a space for her husband and children to live their life. By her investment and presence in their home, she has the opportunity to create an environment of life and peace. Questions the woman should ask herself about what her home feels like are: “Do my husband and my children want to be at home?” “Is there life for my husband and my children in our home?” “Do they laugh when they are at home?” and “Do they feel safe in our home?” Basically, the first part of the call of homebuilder is to create an environment for the family to have life, laughter, and safety. The home is meant to be a sanctuary, a place where the family is ministered to. As the family is being ministered to, the family is able to work together to minister to others by inviting others into their life and home. The home is the center of much ministry.

My husband explained that he sees that the second part of being a homebuilder…provision…is about the practical measures of providing for the home. This is where we see the woman providing food for her household, clothing for her family, and decorating their home. She creates a tangible environment through how she provides for her family’s needs. Is the overall environment peace or clutter? Are the children dressed well or haphazardly? Does the family eat together or is the family full of “lone ranger” eaters? These are some of the provisional ways the woman creates her home.

The Application

Below is a list of ways that the woman builds her home. It is vital to look at each statement through the filter of the woman God made you to be. The phrases below are principles to apply to your life. The way these principles are lived out in your life will be specific to you and the woman you were created to be. You have a unique set of strengths and gifts that God gave you. God intends you to use your gifts and strengths for your family’s benefit. Your methods of living out these principles many not look like other women’s methods. Be careful to read the following as principles and not performance check marks.

We as women have to be so careful to not compare ourselves to other women and how they put these principles into practice in their lives. So when we see that the Proverbs 31 woman provides food for her family, we must apply that principle to ourselves. Some women may be vegetarians or may have a conviction about providing organic food, while others may simply focus on taste or efficiency of cooking, while still others may be all about presentation. You miss the Spirit-led life when you compare your living out of these principles to the way other women live them out. The goal is to ask God how He has designed you to live out these principles for the building of your home and the development of your family.

I would suggest taking time to pray over each of the following statements, asking God to reveal to you how He designed you to live these out. Also, ask Him specifically what your family needs in each of these areas and how He can enable you to provide for your family’s specific needs. Ask Him what He desires for your home to feel like.

- Provides food for her household (Proverbs 31:14 -15)
- Manages her home (by the way, the Proverbs woman has hired help) (Proverbs 31:15, 21, 27)
- Uses her gifts and strengths to participate in profitable business ventures that benefit her home/family (Proverbs 31:16,18)
- Clothes her household warm and well (they look good) (Proverbs 31:21)
- Dresses herself well (Proverbs 31:22)
- Decorates her home/bedroom ( Proverbs 31:22)
- Is not lazy/idle (Proverbs 31:27)
- Busy working at home (Titus 2:5)
- Builds her house (in wisdom, as opposed to tearing it down in folly) (Proverbs 14:1)

In Closing

Being a homebuilder is countercultural. Others have also addressed this concept well. Below is a sermon and another blog post address the countercultural call of “homebuilder.”

“Women as Homebuilders” (Sermon), click here.

“Cultural Cliches” (Blog Post), click here.

For the Ladies: Mother

2011-11-21T13:37:00.000-08:00

Two Key Elements: Loving and Training

Becoming a mom was one of the most surprising transitions of my life. My experience with babies and children was vast: my littlest sister and brother were born when I was a teenager…I have babysat since I was 13…and I taught preschool, first grade, and second grade. However, even those experiences could not completely prepare me for the all-consuming call of being a mom. When my first son was born, I really struggled with my identity as a mom. I felt so much guilt because I did not have all the feelings I thought I was “supposed” to have, nor did that “magic” switch get flipped that many of my peers talked about: the one where you just know all the time what you’re supposed to do for your baby. I worked hard at learning what to do for my son, but didn’t automatically know everything he needed. What surprised me, though, was the level of dedication I felt towards my son. I have never felt so committed to serving one person as I did to my son when he was born. This level of dedication and willing sacrifice confirmed in my own heart my intense love for my son.

So, while there were not a lot of “magical” happenings surrounding my start into motherhood, there was a level of commitment that was profoundly new to me. As I transitioned into becoming a mom, my husband often helped me reflect on who I was designed to be and the ways through which I expressed my love for our son. He would often point out my strengths in motherhood, helping me recognize that I may not be a mom like other moms; however, I am the mom I was created to be. As we engage the Scripture on the role of mother, please take the following concepts to heart in light of the woman you are created to be. The “perfect mom” idea is a myth. There are no perfect moms. The truth is that God has given us, as moms, a handful of clear Scriptures as to our calling of “mom,” and from those, each of us can begin to walk those concepts out within the context of how we were each designed. Develop your unique strengths and gifts in the context of the following two callings of motherhood:

Love

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. (Psalm 127:3)

Train the younger women to…love their children. (Titus 2:4)

One of the two main calls on women in their role as mother is to see their children as God sees their children. God intends for children to be seen as a reward, as a gift (see post, “How Do You See Them”). By viewing our children as God views them, we would see them as a heritage, as a reward…we would see them as a gift. If we view our children as hindrances to the life “we could have lived,” then we believe a lie (Rachel Jankovic’s post, “Motherhood is a Calling” offers perspective on this). The reality of motherhood, the way God designed it, is that the children you’ve been given are a gift from Him. This perspective should dramatically impact how you fulfill your calling as a mom. Gifts are meant to be enjoyed and delighted in. Your children are meant to be enjoyed and delighted in.

Later in the Scripture, we see that the older women are to train the younger women to love their children. I heard a sermon once where the pastor* said that single women sometimes complain that moms always talk about their children. The pastor went on to say that God intended it to be that way…that moms should be really into their kids...that women are instructed to love their children.

Do you love your kids? If you’re not sure, take a look at 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Do you display patience and kindness and a celebration of truth in your mothering? Or do you display the opposite of love in your mothering by being rude, irritable or resentful? In your mothering do you carry the weight of your responsibility and believe, hope, and endure within that responsibility? Just a few things to consider.

Don’t mistake love with idolatry; women can easily make their children into little idols. However, turning your child into something you worship, into the thing at the very center of your life is not actually love, is it? Putting your children at the center of your life, giving into every whim, and ultimately worshipping them puts a weight them that they can’t carry and is ultimately very self-centered on your part. This is why along with loving your children, God instructs you, as moms [parents], to train your children.

Train

And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. (Deuteronomy 6:6-7)

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6)

The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. (Proverbs 29:15)

Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her… (Proverbs 31:28)

These verses lay out a very clear instruction for the mother to train her children. That last verse quoted speaks of the children calling their mom blessed. My thought has been that as the children grow, they recognize the work their mom has put into raising them and praise her for what she has invested. It would also make sense that this mother who is being praised was not haphazard about her call to be a mother, but was intentional in raising her children by keeping a long-term perspective of her goals in place.

As a mom, what then is your long-term goal in raising your children? The Scripture is clear that you should train your child in the way he should go, taking into account that there is a hoped for outcome in your parenting. But what is that hoped for outcome to be… For your child to be like you? For your child to have good behavior and be a moral person? For your child to be carefree and alive? Not one of these goals is really enough. Scripture gives us deeper perspective on this hoped for outcome.

By looking at the verse in Deuteronomy, we see that God instructs His followers to teach His commands to their children throughout their daily life. This means that the parents talk with their children about God and His instructions (the way He has designed all of life to work) as they go about their daily life. Parents are called to see and talk about God’s activity when they are hanging out at their house, when they are carpooling, when they go to bed at night and when they get up in their morning….basically all day.

Before you even consider training your children in this, you have to first ask yourself if you see and can communicate God’s activity and His truth about the everyday experiences in your own life. To train your children in this (by simply talking with them as you go about life), this way of thinking must be an active part of your inner life (reminds me of the first identity of womanhood: “Christian”). Begin looking for evidence of God and examples of His truth throughout your daily life. Begin looking for places where the enemy wants to lie to you about yourself, your life, or your reality; then begin to internalize God’s truth that counteracts those lies. Begin speaking (or journaling or thinking) God’s truth to yourself about everyday life. As you do this, you’ll be able to train your children about God’s activity in their everyday life, too. Because you’ll be aware of His presence in daily life, you’ll be able to point out evidences of Him and speak truth into all situations in your children’s lives. This way of teaching about God will flow more naturally with your children as you practice it more and more in your own life.

Another important aspect of mothering is simply knowing your children. When the Scripture says to train your child in the way he should go, it is not necessarily speaking of the way you want him to go. The Scripture here is making a reference to training your child as the person he is for the direction and life God created him to live. This is seeing your child’s strengths and building them up as she develops into the person she was created to be. Listen to the Spirit, asking God who He designed your child to be and the direction in which your child should go. Gain insight from Him in how you guide your child through life, facilitating your child becoming who he was created to be.

Finally, the issue of discipline is also a part of a mother’s call to train her children. Too often, I have sensed church people emphasize “the rod” and completely miss the transformation of the heart. Discipline is more than punishment and its purpose is more than behavior modification. The true issue of discipline is addressing a child’s heart and walking the child through the reality of the Gospel as it relates to her sin. The verse above from Proverbs speaks about a child who is left to himself bringing shame to his mother. The mother bears the responsibility for leaving that child to himself. She basically lets the child do whatever he wants to do. The mother’s call is to be involved in her child’s life, bringing wisdom to him through discipline and conversation about sin, redemption, and restoration. The issue is not about using a specific form of punishment to get the child to have right external behavior (that’s simply moralism); rather, the issue is the mother’s involvement in her child’s life, applying the Gospel to the child’s heart as external behaviors come up. Discipline may look very different from family to family; however, the goal is to discipline in such a way that you communicate the Gospel in response to external behaviors, ultimately reaching your child’s heart, not simply trying to get external behaviors changed through punishment. To grasp more of this heart transformation (vs. behavior modification) approach, read Gospel-Centered Families by Tim Chester and Ed Moll. It’s only about a hundred pages and well worth the time!

In Closing

Being a Momma is the craziest journey I’ve been on yet. It consumes my heart. It is scary, thrilling, wonderful, exhausting, challenging, and life-giving all at the same time. I do not have this “role” figured out by any means, but continually come to the Scripture, wanting to know how to be the mom God has called and created me to be.

* Mark Driscoll

For the Ladies: Wife

2011-11-14T14:24:00.000-08:00

A Threefold Identity: Helper, Lover, Follower

For the woman, the calling of being a wife is so vast, that I will only be able to skim it. My aim here is to simply point out the three main identities of the wife as seen in Scripture. This will simply serve as an overview and is vital to every woman, married or unmarried. For the single woman, not only will this help you prepare for your identities in a possible upcoming marriage, it will also help you speak truth into your married friends’ lives. For the married women, it will act as a foundation to pursue a restored understanding of your calling as wife. As you understand this call according to Scripture, you will be able to lay your heart bare before God, asking Him to transform you into the wife you were created and designed to be.

Following immediately after a woman’s Gospel identity as a follower of Jesus is the woman’s role as wife. A married woman’s most important relationship next to her relationship with God is her relationship with her husband. Her primary human relationship is with her husband; therefore, there is quite a bit of value placed on that relationship. God designed marriage for the husband and wife under the paradigm that they would function as one. Marriages where the husband and wife function as one are inspiring. These marriages challenge us to believe that as we seek transformation in our lives we get to walk into restored marriages that reflect God’s design. There are three identities through which the wife is called to function, and when she functions in those roles as God designed her, she contributes to the potential oneness of her marriage.

Helper

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." (Genesis 2:18)

She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. (Proverbs 31:12)

The wife was designed to first and foremost be the helper to her husband. This role of helper is no small feat. When God looked at the man He created, He commented that it was not good for the man to be alone. He went on to create a helper specifically for the man. The “help” God intended for man was specifically related to the man’s aloneness. God saw that man needed a counterpart in his life to help in the context of his very soul, so that he would not be alone. God saw that men needed help. God’s plan for helping men was designing the husband/wife relationship. Consider the man to whom you are married. He needs your help. This is a profound calling.

Your role as helper is more about your husband’s heart, his soul, and who he really is than it is about just the practical things you do for him. In fact, those practical things actually come into a woman’s calling much later under the title of “homebuilder.” So, for the moment, let’s set the chores and the tasks aside of being a “wife” and simply look at how you are called to help your husband at a soul level.

The word used for “helper” (or “helpmeet”) is ezer kenegdo in Hebrew, which roughly translated means “a companion or counterpart who comes through for you when you desperately need it.”* Do you realize the weight of your role as helper? You were designed and called to be the one who comes through for your husband throughout his life. This concept of “helper” is also seen in other places referring to God when He is desperately needed.* Do not let yourself be deceived into believing that being a “helper” is small or demeaning; rather, embrace the truth that you are needed to come through for your husband as a reflection of how God comes through for us.

You are called to know your husband, to be his companion, to speak truth into his life, and to be there with him through all the life throws his way. How you will do this for your husband will be specific to who he is; therefore, it is vital to get to know him, to ask him how he needs you to help him, to learn his heart. Each husband is different, so how I help my husband may not be how you need to help your husband. You will have to study your own husband and discover how he most needs you to support him, his heart, and how to be there for him in his most desperate times. Do not get caught up in learning all the “right” ways to help your husband according to marriage books or marriage studies; rather, find out how your husband needs you to help him.

Lover

And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:25)

Song of Solomon (the whole book)

The second role of the wife as communicated in Scripture is that of a lover. The wife is called to be a lover. I am not sure why we don’t talk about this more. God’s design of sex as a gift for married couples is all throughout Scripture. When looking at the Song of Solomon, the wife is pictured as a highly sensual woman. In Proverbs, God talks about the wife’s body being satisfying to her husband. In contrast, God also warns about the harlot calling out to men and tempting them into sexual perversion. God’s amazing design for sex is for it to be between one husband and one wife. Within that context there is much freedom. In 1 Corinthians 7:5, God talks about married couples maintaining frequent intimacy, abstaining only for a season of agreed upon prayer.

After grasping the freedom and purity of God design of sex for the husband and wife in marriage, the woman can then fully embrace her role as a lover. Her call as lover is for her husband, it is for their marriage, and it aids in their oneness. To broaden your understanding of your identity as lover, set aside some time to read through Song of Solomon. Then spend some time in prayer, reflecting on your relationship with your husband and your identity as his lover. Let God bring to the surface any lies you believe about yourself, your husband, or your sexual relationship. Then ask God to begin to restore and bring renewed life to your sexual relationship, enabling you to embrace your God-given identity as lover.

Follower

…submit to your own husband as to the Lord… (Ephesians 5:22)

…submit in everything to their husbands… (Ephesians 5:24)

…submissive to their own husbands… (Titus 2:5)

…subject to your own husband… (1 Peter 3:1)

The third and final identity in the role of wife is that of “follower.” We hear this often in church teaching as instructions to respect and submit, but we often miss the fullness of this concept. It starts back with the fall of humanity in Genesis as part of the curse on the woman…that her desire will be to rule over he husband. So to live in a restored manner, the woman would release that desire to rule over her husband and instead let him lead her.

We see throughout the New Testament the call for the wife to respect her husband and to submit to her husband. This is more than being respectful and more than just “doing whatever the husband says.” The husband actually feels respect from his wife when his wife trusts him. As the husband and wife live life together, the wife’s call is to trust her husband with her whole life. This is also expressed as submitting to her husband. Submitting to her husband means giving all of herself to her husband. This means that she shares her insights and wisdom with her husband. This means that she submits all of her strengths to her husband for the betterment of his and their life together. This submission is not silence nor is it obedience. It is an active and powerful giving of self from the wife to the husband, with the wife ultimately trusting the husband to lead their life together. She is actively entrusting her insights and strengths to her husband, allowing him to lead them with the benefit and resource of who she is.

It is imperative that the woman understand first her Gospel identity as a follower of Jesus to every truly be able to live well as a follower of her husband. Knowing how to follow Jesus sets the woman up to be able to follow her husband. In her Gospel identity, the woman responds to the love of Jesus for her by giving her whole life to Him. Similarly, the woman responds to her husband by giving all of herself to him. She does not hold back her strengths and gifts and insights, but offers them to her husband to benefit him. She also does not try to step on her husband taking over his role of leading them; she does not use her strengths to put him down and incapacitate him. She instead entrusts herself to him and his leadership.

* From Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge (p. 31 - 32).

For the Ladies: Christian

2011-11-09T13:50:00.000-08:00

Looking at the Gospel and at Yourself as a Follower of Jesus

The foundation to understanding womanhood is to first understand oneself through the reality of the Gospel. For a woman to understand any of the roles that Scripture lays out for her, she must first understand herself as a follower of Jesus. Only from there will the rest of what Scripture calls her to make any sense.

In light of the Gospel, the woman understands that she, as a human being, was created in the image of God. She also understands that she is an imperfect representation of that image. She knows that her sin has resulted in a disconnect between her and God. She has entrusted herself to God as a follower of Jesus, knowing that Jesus was God’s plan to reconnect her to God. As a result of being in connection with God, she is able to be transformed and restored into who she was created to be. As she brings sinful, broken, or even hurting areas of herself to Jesus, He is able to restore these things to how God intended her to live. She becomes a new and whole person, more and more alive as who God designed her to be. (For a more detailed explanation of the Gospel, read the post, “Gospel 101.”)

When it is through this paradigm of the Gospel that the woman views all of her life, she understands certain things about herself and her priorities. She understands that she isn’t perfect, but that God is always transforming her into His design of who she was created to be. She also understands that the transformation happens as she continually lays out her soul to Jesus. She prioritizes her inner relationship with God, continually recognizing what is going on in her own soul and inviting God to speak truth and renew areas that need His life. This inner life in God is what the Scripture is talking about when it speaks of godly women having the “hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.” (1 Peter 3:4). The primary identity of the Christian woman is that of a follower of Jesus. As a follower of Jesus, her primary priority is fostering the hidden person of the heart, the inner relationship with God. It is through this inner life that the woman is able to have a solid spirit. From the verse above, the idea of a gentle and quiet is simply the idea that the woman’s spirit is at peace.

It is from this place of peace through developing her inner life with Jesus, that the woman is then able to follow Him. She entrusts herself to him. By entrusting herself to Him, she is allowing Him to lead her life and transform her character. Scripture speaks of the godly woman having a noble character, possessing strength and dignity, being self controlled and pure and kind, and also not being worried nor fearful (Proverbs 31:10, 25, Titus 2:5, 1 Peter 3:6). These qualities are developed from being in close connection to Jesus. It is through this inner life with God that the woman has an overflow of these qualities.

The woman who views herself in light of the Gospel, understands that her soul, her heart is the place where God intends to meet with her and engage her. She understands that her life is an overflow of what is going on inside of her. Because of this she is quick to identify and take to God all that goes on inside of her. Her outward actions flow from her inward reality. She also knows she will not always get it “right.” She will sin, she will experience brokenness, but she will continually see and admit to what is there (confess), turn away from destructive patterns and turn towards the truth in how she is to live (repent). Ultimately she will find freedom in the truth that through Jesus she can be transformed from brokenness and destructiveness to hope and life (believe). Because of this process (confess, repent, believe), she does not walk around in guilt and shame and obligation but in freedom and hope and life.

Because she understands herself in light of the Gospel, she walks in freedom becoming the woman she was created to be rather than striving to be the “perfect” woman who appears to have it all together. There is no such “perfect” woman. A woman who has a Gospel identity, recognizes that, releases striving, and lives from her spirit because her spirit is in relationship with Jesus and is at peace with God.

This is the foundation to true womanhood: cultivating an inner life with God and living from that reality.

The Speed of Life

2011-11-08T11:27:00.000-08:00

…you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. (James 4:14)

I never felt like my life was going by quickly until now. I’ve heard parents say how fast life goes once you have children…now I feel that reality. I am one month in to being a mom of two, and I already feel the speed of life increasing. Each day is constant motion. Just to take care of our basic needs as a family, I am moving from one task to the next to the next. And when the necessary tasks (feed, clothe, diaper) are fulfilled, I try to prioritize connecting with one of my sons or my husband. It is this constant motion that seems to make life go more quickly.

In this constant motion, I want to be still enough inside myself to not miss the moments that are happening all around me. I want to be connected to God, hear His voice, see His activity, and worship Him with my life.

I want to love my husband well. It is so easy in this “baby” stage to become amazing teammates, tag-teaming our boys and getting everything accomplished; however, I still want to prioritize our friendship and romance, making a point to really see him and know his heart. I see how easy it is to lose that best friendship and passion…I don’t want to find myself waking up in twenty years when the kids are grown, realizing I lost track of “us” somewhere along the way. I want to know him now and always. I want to love him well now and always. I do not want to miss him in the midst of the urgent and necessary tasks. He is my favorite person in the world and I do not want to forget that or take him for granted.

In an effort to truly enjoy my boys, I am trying to keep low expectations of myself and of our life. I know that it is not as important to have a perfectly ordered house and “be amazing” if it means that I am not actually present with my boys. This takes considerable effort on my part because I am so task oriented and love feeling like I’ve accomplished “things.” It takes extra effort for me to prioritize necessary tasks and release unnecessary ones. It takes focus for me to stop (when there are at least eight more things I could do) and play cars with my toddler or just lie in bed and talk with my newborn.

What I know is that I do not want this speeding life to find me at the end wondering what happened. Even in the constant motion and the crazy speed of life, I want to live each day being fully present…seeing God, seeing my husband, seeing our boys. This will take intentionality on my part every day…and in the end it will be so worth it.

“The world is full of people who will go their whole lives and not actually live one day. She did not intend on being one of them.” (quote from a “Curly Girl” magnet)

Swiss Cheese Brain

2011-11-01T12:17:00.000-07:00

I have a series of blog posts ready to be edited and posted; however, wrapping my mind around anything substantial these days is beyond me. So, today’s post is more of a lighthearted reflection on my reality than a straightforward teaching about Biblical womanhood. Don’t worry, I’ll get back to those posts…but for now, here’s a window into my new reality.

My mom has been visiting this past week and a half and has held my babies, done my dishes, and helped me prepare a birthday party for my husband. She and I have also chatted all day every day that she has been here. At the moment, though, I just got my toddler down for a nap and my mom has just snuggled my newborn to sleep. As soon as I got into my room to try to take a nap myself, I heard my toddler talking over the monitor, which means he is either not tired or he needs another diaper change! So, I am blogging for a few minutes to see if he falls to sleep or if he actually needs me to come in and change his diaper.

The days that go well right now are the days that I have low expectations of myself. Those are the days that my only goals are to get the boys and myself dressed, all of us fed, and the boys’ diapers changed. The days that go poorly are the days that I expect myself to do be able to do all that I used to do before having a toddler and a newborn. On those days that go poorly, I usually end up in tears…at which point my husband forms a question along the lines of, “Are you trying to do too much?” This question is often followed by a loving encouragement from him along the lines of, “You know that I don’t have expectations, right? I’d be happy if the boys were just fed and changed each day.” Low expectations of myself at this stage in our family makes for happy and peaceful days. Now, if only I could remember that and live by that motto every day.

I am sleeping at night more than I did with my first son when he was a newborn; however, the middle of the night feedings are still taking considerable amounts of time and are happening often enough to break down my ability to think clearly all the time. For instance, I was sorely disappointed that a jar of really delicious queso had been opened and molded…not remembering that I was the one who opened it earlier in the week and hadn’t put it in the fridge! Yesterday, when my husband didn’t come home after his hospitalist shift, I began to realize that maybe I really didn’t understand his schedule…after texting him, I discovered that he was overseeing residents all afternoon and that I had been fully aware of that at some point in the last few weeks…details that fell through the holes in my Swiss cheese brain. As my husband left for work early in the morning a few days ago, he reminded me that we have two kids, jokingly implying that I needed to continually check that I had two people accounted for all day.

It’s no wonder, then, that I have not been able to thoughtfully edit the posts I had been working on. Soon enough, right? One friend of mine reminded me again this weekend that it takes six weeks to adjust to my “new normal.”

Having my two boys really has been wonderful! It has caused me to stop and focus on what matters and not get caught up (or try to not get caught up) in what doesn’t matter. I realize that these boys of mine are going to be men before I know it, and I don’t want to miss a thing. One of my favorite quotes by Emily Dickinson says, “That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet.” So, I want to make the most of these days, fully enjoying this stage, knowing that it will not happen again.

These last few weeks have also made me appreciate more deeply the man that my husband is. He has served me and connected with our boys at the expense of his own desires over and over again. He has changed diapers during middle of the night feedings, sat up with our newborn when I just couldn’t stay awake any longer, played with our toddler after working all day, and continually affirmed me as a mom when I’ve most needed it. He is “my excellent, strong man”!*

* You should be proud of yourself if you know what movie that quote is from.

For the Ladies

2011-10-24T11:27:00.000-07:00

Ever since my husband really began trying to understand his roles as a man, specifically according to what the Bible says, I have found myself longing for the counterpart teaching for women. Much of my husband’s recent understanding of manhood has come from a few teachings* that emphasize that a man is first: a Christian, second: a husband, third: a father, fourth: an employee, and fifth: a minister. Within our many discussions about these roles of men and the order in which they’re to be lived out, we have also discussed what the Bible says about the roles of women and the order the women’s roles are to be lived out. As we have talked and read Scripture and studied, my conclusion has been that the counterpart women’s roles are first: a Christian, second: a wife, third: a mother, fourth: a homebuilder, and fifth: a minister. (Note: The homebuilder role also encompasses possible employment a woman may have, but more on that later.)

After seeing these clearly represented in Scripture and talking extensively with my husband about each of these roles for women, I shared with him that I longed for some solid teaching on these things. It seemed I couldn’t find this clearly and succinctly taught in a practical way. So my husband suggested I just share what I found, rather than waiting to find a teaching that holistically represented these concepts.

Over the next few weeks, my intention is to share my findings about womanhood according to the Bible. While I am not an expert in my own life on any one of these areas, I do feel like the Scripture speaks very clearly about the importance and order of each of these roles. Because the Scripture reveals truth and reality as God set it up, I will be using Scripture as the foundation to the various roles we’ll be looking at (all Scripture will be from the ESV, unless otherwise noted). I am also working on a Bible study series for some friends on the roles of woman. Your input on these posts (questions, thoughts, comments, etc.) would be very much appreciated as I prepare the study. You can expect posts on each of the following:

Christian – Looking at the Gospel and at Yourself as a Follower of Jesus

Wife – A Threefold Role: Helper, Lover, Follower

Mother – Two Key Elements: Loving and Training

Homebuilder – The Call and The Application

Minister – Home and Beyond

* The following sermons have shaped much of my husband and my understanding of the roles of men:

“Marriage, Ministry, and Mistakes,” Mark Driscoll, Acts 29: Seattle Boot Camp, 2010. To listen, click here.

“Marriage and Men,” Mark Driscoll, Mars Hill Church: Seattle, March 22, 2009. To listen, click here.

Jackpot

2011-10-13T12:12:00.000-07:00

We hit the jackpot last Friday when our son, Solomon Fritz, was born weighing in at 7 lbs., 7 oz., on the 7th! There were so many details of Solomon’s birth that were such incredible evidence’s of God’s grace. His birth was different than what I had planned; however, I am so grateful for how each step of his birth went.

I had planned on pursuing a natural birth with him, just as I had with our other son; however, having an epidural with Solomon actually aided in having the best birth experience I could have with him. I am so grateful for God giving me an incredible gift of an epidural right in the moment I most desired relief. I am also so grateful that God used the epidural to allow the labor to progress quickly. Before I knew it, a little man was laid on my chest and I found myself falling in love.

I’ve been experiencing all the expected highs and lows after having a baby. My husband is home this week taking care of me and our boys. He has been incredibly servant-hearted while also staying emotionally connected to me in the midst of my wide range of emotions. Our first son loves his little brother, wanting to kiss the top of Solomon’s head about twenty times a day. Baby Solomon has been rather easy going so far, quickly becoming a part of a family that’s already in a rhythm.

The gifts God has given me are beyond what I could even imagine. Each day there is something more that I have to be grateful for, something more that I see His hand in. Even in the midst of hormonal shifts and unpredictable emotions, I see God sustaining me, my husband, and our little family. He continues to answer our prayers and we continue to see evidence of Him in our life.

Waiting...

2011-09-26T11:12:00.000-07:00

Life’s moving a little more slowly for me these days. My husband just finished his last week of full hospitalist work (seven days straight, ten or eleven hours a day). Starting next month, he’ll be cutting his hospitalist hours back to seven days straight, seven hours a day. He made the choice to cut back so that he could be with us, his family, more. And so he can be more available to help me when our next little man shows up.

Speaking of which, I am just less than two weeks away from my due date. While I am by no means miserable, I am rather uncomfortable and would be glad to be on the other side of labor as soon as possible. I saw my reflection in a window today and saw what looked like me but there was a huge round ball attached to the front of me. Plus, my reflection seemed to be walking a little funny and slowly!

My days are rather simple now as I am not up to doing as much as I normally am. I am pretty content keeping our home running and spending time with my son. I have really enjoyed connecting with him the last few weeks…this is definitely one of my favorite stages so far! Knowing that our family is about to change any day, I feel the desire to enjoy every moment of the one on one time we do have.

In the meantime, I am working on putting together a collection of blog posts centered on one topic. Depending on when this new little baby arrives, I may be able to begin posting those posts soon. However, if I find myself lost in the just-had-a-baby fog soon than expected, it may be a while for the posts to find their way here.

A Mad, Pregnant Stay-at-Home-Mom's Husband

2011-09-20T12:22:00.000-07:00

A while ago, I asked my husband what he would title a blog if he were to start one. He said it would be called, “A Mad, Pregnant Stay-At-Home-Mom’s Husband.” He shared with me what his first entry would be: “Write? I don’t have time to write. I have to work. That’s what a husband of a pregnant stay-at-home mom does. He works.” He told me that would be the first and only entry in his blog.

He has a great sense of humor.

I have been reflecting on this joke between us, though, and have realized what an incredible man my husband is. He is dedicated to fulfill his God-given calling to provide for his family. And by providing for us, his family, he is enabling me to fulfill my God-given calling of being “homeward in my orientation”.* Scripture calls the husband to establish and to work for his own family (“leave his mom and dad, and hold fast to his wife,” “work the ground,” “provide for his household”). Scripture also calls the wife to create a home and care for her family (“builds her home,” “provides food for her household…clothes her household…looks well to the ways of her household,” “working at home”).

Of course, this does not mean that a man can’t cook or a woman can’t work. Husbands might be called on or desire to cook meals (especially when life circumstances…like after the birth of a new baby…require the husband “to live in an understanding way with his wife” 1 Peter 3:7). Wives may desire to pursue work outside the home (the Proverbs 31 woman did). Issues arise, however, when either the man or the woman abdicates his or her primary call due to self-centered motives. When a man chooses to forego carrying the responsibility of setting up his own family and providing for that family due to his personal pursuits, he is abdicating his God-given call. When a woman chooses to focus on life outside the home at the cost of her responsibilities of creating a home and caring for her family, she is abdicating her God-given call. Even ministry pursuits, if they cost the husband or wife to abdicate his or her God-given family responsibilities, can be considered wrong and even self-centered pursuits that can ultimately lead to destroying God’s design for marriage and family.

This “homeward orientation” has been something that has taken me a while to learn. In fact, I feel like I am still learning it! I so often see value in pursuits outside our home, things that would make me feel more valuable or important than keeping our home clean and peaceful, making dinner (night after night), and creating a home environment that is life-giving. This is my calling, though, and it is valuable. It is an opportunity for me to live out God’s design for family. It is also an opportunity to worship God with every moment, every aspect of my life. Listening to the sermon, “Women as Homebuilders” (click here), has challenged me and inspired me again to build my home with all that is in me.

I know my husband feels the weight of work at times, too. He, like me, has a passion for serving God with his whole life. In conversation with him, I often hear him repeat the truth that working to provide for our family is at its core part of serving God with his whole life, because it fulfills his God-given family responsibility. I am so grateful for his willingness to submit to the way God has designed his role as a husband. So, even in our joke about being the husband of a “mad-pregnant-stay-at-home-mom,” I see him living out his profound calling by working to provide for our family and making it possible for me to fulfill my calling to build our home. Listening to the sermon, “Marriage and Men” (click here), I see clearly the maturity my husband developed as a man who makes many sacrifices on a regular basis to care for us, his family.

(To my excellent, strong man)

I strongly encourage you (ladies and guys, married or single) to listen to all of the following three sermons as a way of understanding these two God-given calls.

Women as Homebuilders (click here)

Marriage and Men (click here)

Ministry, Marriage, and Mistakes (click here)

* A phrase I borrowed from Mark Driscoll.

The City

2011-09-16T12:06:00.000-07:00

I really have not loved the city I live in. And on Sunday, I realized how wrong that attitude has been. In the next few paragraphs, I will attempt to share all that is being exposed in my heart and the truth related to it. It feels a little vulnerable to share my imperfections; however, one of the goals of this blog in the first place was to share the transformations that happen in my life as a form of worshipping the God who is transforming me all the time.

I loved the city I previously lived in. I was born and raised there. I loved the feel of that city, the culture, the honesty, the fact that Lake Tahoe was forty-five minutes away. I loved my job, my church, my friends, my family…that city held all of it. I had a heart to see God’s activity in the city, not just through the bigger venue of my church, but also through my life and the lives of those I connected with. I loved that people were either all for Jesus or clearly not for Him. The city had a west coast mix of snowboarders, artists, cowboys, and college kids. I loved it! So a few years ago, when my pastor, preached on Jeremiah 29:4-14 (click here), I was stoked. My purpose while living in that city was to seek the peace of the city. There was a life and a passion to pursuing the good of that city.

On Sunday, when my current pastor in my new city had us turn to Jeremiah 29:4-14 (click here), I could sense what was coming. I was not as thrilled about the message this time as I was when I heard it preached in my former city that I loved. I have not loved this new city that I live in. The city I live in is actually called the “Buckle of the Bible Belt.” For me, this has been a disheartening reality because most people in this city consider themselves “Christians” (i.e. they “prayed a prayer” at some church when they were a kid), but many have not actually had their whole existence transformed by Jesus. It’s “Christianity” without the Gospel. It is so discouraging to feel the weight of a city full of people going through religious motions without soul transformation and life change. My only reason to be in this city (so I had felt) was to be with my husband who was working in this city. The only place I’ve really invested in this city has been with the group of medical wives whose husbands are going through the program my husband works for. So, my purpose in being here has not been for the city; rather, it has been to have friendship with those who are passing through the city.

Truth be told, I’ve been dragging my feet ever since I moved here. I can feel the religious lethargy in this city. Religion without life is like death to my soul. And so I have remained separate from this city.

So, when hearing Jeremiah 29:4-14 (click here) on Sunday, I could hear the truth of my reality coming through those verses. I could feel the words speak straight to my soul, showing me where my perspective has been off, and calling me forward into a new paradigm.

Portions of Jeremiah 29:4-14:

This is what the LORD…says to all those I [God] carried into exile…

God carried the people into exile then…and He carried me to the city where I live now. It was not a mistake or an accident; rather, God designed this move.

…seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile…

The peace and prosperity being talked about here is actually the idea of “shalom,” which is this idea of everything existing as God intended it to exist. Just as God was telling them to seek the shalom of that city, God is telling me to pursue the shalom of the city I live in now. He is calling me to be an agent of transformation into the way He intends life to be. Shalom in this city would probably look like Gospel truth being spoken and lived in such a way that lives are truly transformed from religious ritual to healing, wholeness, and restoration.

…the plans I have for you…[are] plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

God actually has plans in me being here…plans that are meant for my good, not for my harm. He is working out a future while I am in this city in which I never really intended to find myself. One of His greatest purposes is not even about the city. One of His purposes in bringing me to this place is to draw me closer to Him. He brought me here to seek Him with all my heart. He says that I will find Him in that intense pursuit.

…and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.

And, of course, there is this hope that a time will come when He will take me back home. However, the goal is no longer to “get back,” but to pursue the good of this city.

After hearing this passage preached on Sunday, I was completely aware of my wrong attitude has been toward the city I live in. I could see how much my heart was not pursuing the good of this city, that my attitude was not one of facilitating shalom in this city. I have been living disconnected from this city, but no longer have an excuse to remain disconnected. Almost as soon as that understanding came to mind on Sunday, an immediate opportunity arose to seek the good of the city. At the moment, I do not know what it means for my husband and I and our family to be active in bringing peace to this city; however, I want to hear God’s voice in His desire for this city. I want my heart to be transformed to care about this city. I want to see ways that I can seek the peace of this city, knowing that He brought me here all along with that purpose in mind.

This is my challenge and my transformation. I can only wonder, though, whether or not you, too, are engaged in pursuing the shalom of the city you live in. I want to invite you into this paradigm shift, reading Jeremiah 29:4-14 (click here) and applying it to where you live. What is God speaking to you?

Big Brother Box

2011-09-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

Knowing that my sixteen month old son is going to spend a lot more time “on his own” in the first few weeks after our new baby comes, I’ve planned ahead to have a variety of new surprises and activities for him. Many of my friends are having their second babies this year, too, so I’ve included all the details on what I’m calling the “Big Brother Box,” in hopes that it will help others out.

The idea started for me when my sister had her second baby. She purposefully held back a few of the presents he received for his birthday so that when his little brother was born a few weeks later, he’d have some new toys to play with as needed. A while later, a friend of mine passed along a blog link which had ideas for “Busy Bags” for toddlers (to access the link, click here).

I’ve combined the above ideas to make one large tub of activities and small, quiet toys that can be given to my son at any time from anyone. My husband and mom will be taking time off to help me out the first few weeks after our new baby is born. I’ve made the location of the box accessible to all of us. I have also put a few gift bags and tissue paper in the box so that any one of us can wrap up a surprise at any moment to give to or do with my son.

In the box is a variety of “Busy Bag” activities I found on the link above. These are activities my son will need to do with someone else and are sealed in individual Ziploc bags, making it easy for those helping me to just grab one and go. I also have a handful of “dollar” toys I found in the dollar bins at a variety of stores, as well as a handful of small cars (about a dollar each). I also sewed a set of bean bags, which I have put in the box. The idea behind all of this is simply to have fresh activities to keep my son busy during lulls that are a natural part of introducing a newborn to a family.

Not in the tub is also a “boy baby” doll. I checked with my husband first to find out how he felt about our son having a doll. After giving me the go ahead, I purchased a small plastic. I had to change it out of its pink outfit into something a little more masculine (a dinosaur preemie sleeper). I packed a bag for it which included a blanket, a newborn diaper, a small bottle, and a burp rag.

About a week ago, I introduced this “baby” to my son and it was a hit! I was very gentle when I introduced it to him, so he quickly picked up on being gentle with the “baby.” He has checked on his baby more than once every day and has even asked us for the “milk” to feed his baby. We will sit together taking turns holding the “baby” (whom I have named “Junior”), kissing it, and patting it. I am not sure, yet, if it will make a difference in how he adjusts to our second son being born; however, I am grateful for the time to practice how to treat a baby.

Sex Ed

2011-09-06T12:41:00.000-07:00

(Disclaimer: Post content includes information about sexuality.)

A recent conversation (well many conversations) led me to want to share a little bit of truth about sex. There is so much misinformation about sexuality. Our culture has become a predominant voice about sexuality, often perpetuating false realities about sex. All the while the church’s voice (for the most part) sounds simple and weak, emphasizing abstaining from sex before marriage with major points being avoiding STD’s and pregnancy. Those just are not fully convincing arguments to not have sex. Plus, that focus misses the magnitude of what sex was originally designed to be. The truth is that sex was God’s idea in the first place, and married sex between two followers of Jesus should be the best sex on earth (the exceptions to this satisfaction would include areas of sin or abuse, in which case, those need to be brought to Jesus for Him to redeem and restore). While I would not even assume that I can address the whole topic in one short blog post, I do want to take this post to speak some into the truth about sex, give a list of resources that can speak further into that truth, and open up an opportunity for some Q&A.

Whenever we want to know the truth about something, the best thing to do is look at God’s original design of that thing. So, when we want to know the truth about sex, we have to ask, “What did God intend for sexuality?” Go back to Genesis:

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and the wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” Genesis 2:24-25

What was the original design of sex? God intended sex to be between one husband and one wife so that they would become one. God intended for there to be intimacy without shame. In the creation story, what God creates is good. Over and over again at the beginning of Genesis He calls his creation good. Sex was created before man ever even did anything wrong (sinned). Sex was not an outcome of humanity sinning. Sex is not bad. Sexual sin and sexual perversion begin when sex is taken out of the context of what God intended. Sex is one of God’s best gifts to married people. He meant for it to be good and without any shame. And yet, the enemy has a field day perpetuating lies through cultural perspectives and incorrect religious teaching…the enemy continually tries to hijack God’s truth about sex so that he can rob people of incredible, shameless sex.

Amazingly, there is much freedom in the context of married sex. If we understand that sex was designed by God and that the goal of sex is oneness between a husband and wife, then basic parameters for incredible, shameless sex can be drawn. These basic parameters in their simplest form are that sex is between one husband and one wife and that it aids in oneness. If either spouse is uncomfortable with some part of a sexual experience, then that thing is off the table for the couple. Making your spouse uncomfortable hinders oneness, breaking down God’s original design. God intended for a husband and wife to enjoy sex building towards oneness.

The truth is that if you are a follower of Jesus, and by that reality are connected to God (who actually designed sex), then you and your spouse have an inside track to how amazing sex can actually be. In general, married followers of Jesus should be on the forefront of being the most sexually satisfied people on the planet.

As you explore the truth about sex, if questions come to mind that you would like to understand better or see discussed in future posts, please email those questions to: Katie.may.tramonte@gmail.com .

Resources on Sexuality As God Designed It:
Mark Driscoll’s “Peasant Princess” sermon series, Mars Hill Church Seattle, September 22, 2008 – December 8, 2008, click here

Mark Driscoll’s follow-up questions to the “Peasant Princess” sermon series, click here

Disclaimer for the following two resources: While I do not align myself with the entire doctrine of the movements the following men are associated with (Bell – Emergent Church; West – Catholic Church), I do feel that the following two resources give insight into true, Scriptural realities about sexuality.

Sex God by Rob Bell, click here

Theology of the Body revised by Christopher West, click here

What Are You Teaching Her to See?

2011-09-02T11:08:00.000-07:00

Mamas of little girls, this one is especially for you. Mamas of little boys, it’s just as important for your own sake that you check your heart in this area, too, because your little boys will grow up one day and marry grown up little girls.

It is well known that mamas think their little girls are beautiful! They tell their little girls how beautiful they are. My friends who have little girls spend time with them helping them pick out clothes and accessories, helping their little girls change endless “dress-up” outfits, and continually saying, “Yes, you look so pretty!” when their little girls ask, “How do I look?” Even if their little girls are not into dressing up and would rather play in the dirt all day, it is my understanding that their mamas still want their daughters to know that they are beautiful beings, just as they are in their jeans and t-shirts and dirt stains.

So what happens to a little girl when she hears her mama tell her, “You are so beautiful,” but then watches later as her mama looks disappointedly at her own body in the mirror. What message does the little girl learn when her mama obsesses about losing ten pounds or continually complains about some problem area on her body or changes diet plans every couple of years to really lose weight this time? The little girl is not dumb. Even though her mama may tell her she’s beautiful, she is learning more about her understanding of beauty through her mama’s example than through her mama’s words.

What is she learning? She is learning a broken perception of beauty. She is learning that in order to really be beautiful, you have to be a certain weight. She is learning that she (like her mama) is predisposed to specific “problem areas” on her body. She is learning that she can’t really be that beautiful with those problem areas because her mama didn’t seem to feel beautiful herself with those problem areas. She is learning that she cannot be satisfied with herself until she finally loses weight, which she learns can only be done through trying a variety of diets.

You may be thinking to yourself, “I don’t do any of that.” But I want you to stop and really consider what you see when you look in the mirror, what thoughts come to mind when you see yourself, what words you say when you are getting dressed each day (as your daughter watches you), what eating habits you display, what obsessions you actually do possess related to body, weight, and food. Be honest with yourself for a moment. When someone takes a picture of you, do you say things like, “oh I hope you didn’t get that part of me in the picture.” Your daughter is watching and listening and is going to learn more about body image and beauty through your example than what you say to her. No matter how many times you tell her how beautiful she is, she is going to learn and most likely imitate your beauty and body image paradigm.

Stop and deal with your own heart on this. Deal with your broken perceptions of beauty and body image. When you look in the mirror, do you see the beautiful creation you are? Do you stop to recognize all the ways God made you beautiful? All the unique characteristics He gave you? Or do you simply see your imperfections? Do you understand that your body is going to change as time goes by, especially after you have babies? Are you accepting those changes or complaining about the loss of what was? Are you taking care of your body in a healthy (not obsessive) way by eating and getting some type of physical activity? Do you take time to find your own style or look, making yourself feel beautiful in your own way?

Maybe you don’t feel beautiful. Maybe you need to change your perception of beauty. Maybe you actually do need to eat healthier (not start fad diets, which when you go off them will only cause you to gain back the weight). Maybe you need to see a new type of beauty in yourself as your body changes. Maybe after having babies you need to start wearing a different style of clothes or to start adding other accessories. Take time to learn how to be beautiful as you are.

When you start seeing yourself as beautiful, taking care of yourself as a beautiful creation, then your daughter will start to believe you when you tell her, “You are beautiful just as you are.” She’ll believe this because she’ll know that you believe that you yourself are beautiful just the way you are.

Special Note for Mamas of Boys:

Your little boys are going to grow up one day to marry grown up little girls. Do not let your example be the beginning of perpetuating a broken paradigm of beauty. Your son will encounter plenty of broken ideas of beauty throughout his life; deal with your own broken beauty and body image perspectives now so that, by your example, your son can learn a whole and healthy perspective of beauty.

A Little Straight Talk for the Ladies

2011-08-29T11:14:00.000-07:00

Married or not, there is are important paradigms to understand about husbands and wives…so although I will be talking to “wives” throughout this post, single ladies, please keep reading…most likely you will be married one day (and even if not, you will be in the position throughout your life to encourage married ladies…these thoughts could be helpful tools for that).

It is a risky thing to be a strong wife. It is way more risky to be a wife who calls her husband forward into the man he was created to be, than to be a wife who gives into her husband’s mis-prioritized desires under the false banner of trying to be a “good” wife. There are all kinds of lies that come our way about what a “good” wife is meant to look like. We internalize these lies as we grow up, as we watch ours and others’ families, and as we interact with culture. Too often, we start living under these lies rather than under the truths about marriage as God lays them out in Scripture.

Ladies, do you really understand your role as your husband’s helper? Think about it. Knowing all you know about God, His desire for rescue, redemption, wholeness, healing, life and beauty, do you really think that his idea of “help” was to give the guys someone just to cook and clean for them? I can’t imagine that was God’s full picture of “help.” When God created the wife as the husband’s helper, He was creating something beautiful and powerful. Although, I am sure God knew that men in general would need help with some of the more tangible realities like creating and maintaining a home, I am also sure that God’s design for helper was more about the fullness of life and soul transformation of a man than it was about just making sure someone would have dinner on the table at six.

As his helper, you are meant to bring him good not harm all the days of his life. It may not be good for your husband to always get everything he wants. Have you ever considered that? You may have insights into patterns, paradigms, or life paths that could actually keep your husband from harm. When you withhold these insights, you potentially allow your husband to heap harm on himself. It is good for a husband to have a wife that sees clearly and speaks honestly. This does not mean that you berate him, nag him, or emasculate him. Rather, this means that you lovingly and gently share insights you have because you desire to bring him good and prevent him from experiencing harm.

You are designed to see possible pitfalls he could succumb to. You are called to understand his God-given priorities and help him live under those priorities. You are also meant to help him be your husband. When you hide your needs or feel shame or insecurity for the things you need from him, you actually make his calling harder. By trying to be a “super woman” who does not communicate clearly her personal needs, you actually rob your husband of being able to walk in obedience in his call as a husband. He is accountable to God for how he, as a husband, takes care of you and loves you…do not make his job harder or more confusing by walling off and independently taking care of yourself. You and your husband are now called to be interdependent, and he needs your help to make that your marriage reality.

You need to be honest with your husband. You need to call him forward as the man he was created to be. You need to cast vision for who he is called to be as a husband and a dad. Do it for his good, not your selfish gain. Many wives see things that would prevent their husbands (and families) much harm, but rather than speak into them, many wives allow the patterns to persist and continue creating chronic problems in not only their marriage and families, but also their husbands’ lives.

To better understand what you are to call your husband forward to, please make time to listen to the following teaching, “Ministry, Marriage, and Mistakes.” While it was originally given as a teaching for church planters, it is easily applicable to any marriage. Do what it takes to listen to this teaching, even if you have to break it into smaller segments and listen to it over the course of a week or two…just listen to it.

Then evaluate your role in your husband’s life. Are you a wife who is trying to make his life easier by being silent, but, in doing so, is enabling him to walk in destructive paths of shirking his call as a man? Are there areas you need to be honest with your husband, calling him forward as a man? You, as his helper, are meant to bring him good not harm all the days of his life…don’t wait too long to start bringing him true good through honest, hard conversations.

To listen to the teaching, “Ministry, Marriage, and Mistakes,” click here.

Pain That Doesn't Harm

2011-08-25T11:07:00.000-07:00

It is hard for me to reconcile pain and God’s purpose. I know that God is sovereign and that He is at work in even the most difficult circumstances. I know that He is working “all things together for good.” In the midst of pain or struggle, though, that reality is much harder to hold onto.

The first year of marriage was such a painful season for me, that I was sure I had made a mistake somewhere. The way my husband and I were actually brought together was so divinely orchestrated, that I did not question our marriage as much as I questioned my move out to the Midwest. I had left everything: career, amazing church, family, friends, community…really a whole life. All the transitions of marriage and pregnancy and a career change and a major move shook me, causing me to question whether or not I had heard God correctly.

Learning how to be married, how to be one was a painful transition for both of my husband and myself. We each had much to learn in dying to self, understanding the other, and pursuing oneness. We had so much to learn about being married. The whole time I kept assuming that if only we had started our marriage back in the West, where my life was, where my community was, where we had a great church we were both connected to, where my family was…then we wouldn’t have struggled so badly at the beginning of our marriage. Because of how hard that first year was, I assumed I must have heard God wrong. He must not have really told me to move to the Midwest to where my husband’s life was. How could He have really intended for me to go through that much struggle and pain? I must have heard Him wrong.

During that season, I felt so far from so many supports, so void of purpose, so lacking in community, and super desperate as my pregnant and post-partum hormones raged and I was struggling in knowing how to be a new mom, let alone a new wife. Because of the struggle, the loneliness, the sense of being desperate for help, I had to lean on my husband. I had to ask him for help. I had to start being vulnerable with him about my weaknesses. I had to learn how be straightforward with him about himself, as his “helper” calling out the man and husband he was created to be.

Recently, God has been showing me clearly that He was very purposeful in walking me through that painful season. What He has been showing me is that there are times of pain that are not meant to harm us but are meant for our good (a combination of Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28).

Although that first year of marriage was intense and painful at times, God intended to use that season as a crash course in transformation for my husband and me. Because of the intensity of our first year of marriage, we had to face things in ourselves and in each other that had we been in a more comfortable environment emotionally and spiritually, we might not have actually dealt with. God intended for us to work through some of our major heart issues so that we could walk forward in a healthy marriage earlier on. He knew that it was worth it for us to go through a year and a half of painful struggle (with the purpose of healing and wholeness) in order to walk us into a lifelong marriage of oneness and strength.

What I understand now is that God did intend for me to move far away from so many supports that would have made that first year of marriage easier. God knew that the move and other transitions would be painful. And although He knew I would experience pain, He did not intend to harm me but to bring me good. The pain of dealing with myself, my sin, and my heart resulted in a much healthier marriage earlier. He could have allowed me to stay in a more comfortable place, but He also probably knew that in that comfortable place, I may not have really dealt with myself or my marriage. He probably knew that my marriage would be weaker and suffer prolonged struggles if my husband and I didn’t have to so quickly and so intensely deal with ourselves and learn to be one.

It’s like taking my son for his shots. I know that he is going to be in pain for a moment. I know he is not going to understand why I would take him to a place where someone would stick a needle in his leg and shoot a bunch of fluid into his muscle. I also know that by taking him to get his shots I am preventing much more intense and prolonged pain that could be caused by one of the diseases he is being immunized from. Do I hate that he is going to feel pain? Yes! Do I intend that pain to harm him? No! In fact, it’s quite the opposite…I take him through that momentary pain (often, holding back my own tears) to bring him good.

What has God been doing or what is He currently doing with the painful seasons in your life? Ask Him to show you what His bigger purpose is. Ask Him to reveal to you what the good is that He is working out.

Confessions of a Doctor's Wife

2011-08-22T11:02:00.000-07:00

I strongly dislike going to the doctor. In fact, I never really went as a single adult unless I absolutely had to! Isn’t it funny that I ended up marrying a doctor?! Being on my second baby, I’ve become more accustomed to the routine visits I need to have; however, taking my son to see his doctor still gives me anxiety, especially if shots are involved! And I know what Matthew 6 says about not worrying, so the night before any “shot” visit (last night being one of them), I find myself lying awake, praying for the shots not to have any side effects, to not hurt too bad, and for the whole visit to go quickly.

Beyond all that, whatever a “doctor’s wife” is supposed to be, I am just not that. I never had my sights set on marrying a doctor (or lawyer or whatever). I really intended to marry a pastor, or at least someone who really, really loved Jesus. It just so happens that my man who really, really loves Jesus is a doctor and now I am a doctor’s wife.

So, on this morning, as the doctor’s wife that I am I took my sixteen month old son in for his “one year” check up and shots…that’s right a whole four months late! Oh, and I should mention I did lay awake for a while last night worriedly pondering side effects from shots, ultimately asking God to take care of my son.

On the way over to the clinic, I knowingly let my son drink from a leaky juice cup, only to unknowingly discover that the front of his entire outfit was soaked with ten ounces of juice by the time we got there. Oh and again as the doctor’s wife that I am, I discovered that I did not have one piece of “back-up” clothes in his diaper bag!

We did have the first appointment of the morning, so I was hoping we’d be in and out in a jiffy. Apparently, it doesn’t really matter if you’re a smart doctor’s wife who knows to schedule the first appointment in the morning or the first appointment after lunch, you’re time at the clinic is still going to be an hour and a half! In the midst of all the waiting, though, my son did manage to use his newly acquired guttural scream on both the nurse and doctor as I tried to tiredly but consistently remind him that screaming is not appropriate and would he like his pacifier. At the same time, I totally sympathized with my son who most likely felt cooped up in that little exam room for over an hour.

Upon weight and height check, it seems our guy is small and might need to start eating more fatty foods. Of course, as a mom, this caused me to wonder if he’s really doing okay. Our doctor did remind me again to not be too worried about development, saying that it is really easy to check our kids against all the developmental charts that are available now and worry about all kinds of things. I laughed a little and said that a teacher/doctor parent combo is probably the worst with that! The doctor laughed to, which made me feel a little better and not as worried (although I texted my husband our sons percentiles as soon as the doctor left the room). The shots came next and were over quickly; although, we have to go back in a month and get more shots due to him needing six total today…a few too many for one visit. My little man cried, of course, during the shots, but was totally relaxed and back to himself by the time we got to the car.

After all that, I called my mom on the way home just to debrief a bit, knowing she’d alleviate some of my anxiety about the shots and our son being small and my being a not-so-stereotypical doctor’s wife, and most of all that she’d tell me that I’m a good mom. (Thanks, Mom.)

Post-Vacation

2011-08-18T20:07:00.000-07:00

I have never before desired a vacation more after vacation than right now. I keep thinking about the title of this blog, “Life as Worship,” and wondering what that means on this day. It’s easier to think about the practical living of worship in normal every day life. But living my life as worship when I am exhausted emotionally and physically is much harder.

My husband, son, and I left almost two weeks ago to go on an annual family vacation with my family. It is usually one of my favorite times of year. We sit by the lake, eat good food, watch movies, play games, talk, and just hang out. I went into the vacation knowing that it wouldn’t be quite as restful as previous years because we have a one year old. It ended up being much less restful than I imagined. My husband and I actually packed up a day early to head back to my parents’ house due to a sleepless night with our son and some extreme emotional behaviors our son was displaying.

Upon coming home, we discovered that we really needed to work on a feeling of safety and trust with our son as well as some very focused “re-training” after vacation.

A few days after being at my parents’ home, we got up at 4 a.m. to fly back to our home on my 29th birthday.

The next day our son came down with stomach flu.

Two days later my husband and I caught what our son had.

It’s difficult to actively worship when I’m exhausted, emotional, and feeling rather ill. But if life is mean to be lived as a form of worship, then there has to be a way to worship even in the midst of exhaustion and struggle. The only way I know to worship when I feel like this is to identify where God is present and providing even in the midst of struggle. For example…

We had moments of rest and life on vacation, like when my son started to enjoy the sand (and eventually dumped it all over his head!) or when my dad taught my husband and I to play cribbage or the day I was having a few too many contractions and my husband, son, and I took it super easy for the day or all the conversations we got to have with family members.

The day we flew back home our son started to show signs of acting like himself again, with much less extreme emotional behavior.

That first night home our son went to sleep without any problems, and my husband and I were able to celebrate my birthday with a chick flick and take out dessert: tiramisu for me.

The day my son came down with the stomach flu, my husband was actually off and took the brunt of it due to my needing to be at an OB appointment and buy groceries.

Due to our son being sick, my husband and I had plenty of opportunity to snuggle with our little guy, loving on him all day.

My husband was also “post-call” (he’d worked at the hospital overnight the night before) the day we both caught what our son had…so he didn’t have to go into work once he got home.

My husband served me continuously by taking care of our son, even though we were both not feeling well.

While I was not feeling well, I saw more of my son acting like himself, his empathy coming to the surface. He brought me blankets to make me feel better and often patted my leg (his way of telling me that he loves me).

These are evidences of God’s grace, of His presence in our life, of Him working in our family in the midst of struggle. And this is my form of worship at the moment: identifying these evidences of grace.

Confronted with Myself

2011-08-05T11:51:00.000-07:00

(This post is a follow up of sorts to Wednesday’s post, “Loving Leadership.”)

Looking back over the last two years, I see one of the greatest things I have learned from my husband is a simple progression that leads to freedom by dealing with my heart. When we first got married and I would do anything wrong in anyway, whether it was hurting him or having wrong motives about something or being unkind about/to others, I would often share with him the issue, semi-apologize, and ultimately, justify my actions. Having had a fairly churchy background and being a people pleaser and a perfectionist, I always wanted to do the right thing. So, my pattern had been to do the right thing regardless of what was going on in my heart. And if I did do the wrong thing, to find a reason to explain away that wrong thing (even if I did also apologize for it).

Very patiently my husband began walking me through the progression of repenting and believing. Because those words were so entrenched in a religious mindset, it took me a while to grasp the true reality about them. As I would share mistakes, sins, and struggles with my husband, he would gently walk me through the progression of confessing, repenting, and believing. Often, I would not even realize he was doing this. To me it felt like he was listening to me and telling me the truth about God. It was that simple. No high churchy words. No religious rules about getting my actions right without dealing with my heart. My husband just listened to me and told me what God said about what I shared, which often lead me to more freedom.

So, at the beginning of our marriage, if I did something unkind to him or anyone else, I would share it with my husband, apologize, and then justify why it was actually okay, never dealing with where the action came from. My husband started asking more questions about what I was feeling when I did hurtful things. The realities of my heart began becoming more and more real to me. I started understanding that I actually had some hurt parts of my heart and some self-centered parts of my heart. Most of my wrong actions came from one of these two places.

Then I started openly sharing wrong actions with my husband and sharing what was motivating me to do those things, confessing what I had done wrong. I would feel so heavy and so guilty. The weight of how awful I actually could be would sometimes feel so heavy that I would just cry. I felt so much shame and sadness over how wrong I could actually be toward him or anyone else. Plus, my wrongdoing displeased God. Sometimes the weight of it all would feel unbearable. When I would feel like this, my husband would remind me of the truth of the Gospel. If I confess my sins, Jesus forgives them. Jesus takes all that weight that I feel and actually sets me free. What I was learning at this stage was to believe that God could change me. I was called to confess of broken or self-centered heart areas, repent of them (go the other way), and believe that God could transform me. I was learning that I did not need to carry around the guilty, condemning sorrow of my sin because Jesus actually came to free me from that and make me whole and new.

Now I am learning to honestly confess what I do wrong, understanding that it comes from something broken or self-centered or sinful in my heart. I am learning to deal with those heart issues, repenting of them, asking God to transform them in me. I am also learning to believe that He actually can transform me. This process is what allows me to deal with my heart, sin, and struggles, without justifying my actions and without walking around feeling hopeless and condemned. It is freeing, and it is phenomenal!

It is amazing that I don’t feel as much of that old pressure to justify all my wrong actions or cover them up or try to make them look pleasing, which is really just living a lie; rather, I can acknowledge that they are there. I can acknowledge that I am sinful. More that just seeing now how sinful I can actually be, which only led to guilt and shame and weight, I also see the greater reality that Jesus has already taken on that weight. So, when I see my sin and hand it to Him by confessing, He forgives me. As I turn away from sin, asking Him to transform my heart, He does that incredible work of making me new. So, now, I am free to see my sin and be transformed….not cover it up and try to make it acceptable…not hopelessly carry around the weight of my sin…but to walk freely, knowing that I am sinful but that Jesus is also transforming me all the time.

The Progression:
(I’ve learned this from my husband…but it can also be found in Scripture)

* Confess (acknowledge what you’ve done wrong…1 John 1:9)
* Repent (turn away from what you’ve done wrong by dealing with the heart motives that drive that action and turn to Jesus to transform you from that action/motive… 1 Corinthians 10:13, 2 Corinthians 7:10, James 4:7)
* Believe (trust that God can actually transform your heart and free you from that wrong action/motive by making you new…2 Corinthians 5:16-19)

Loving Leadership

2011-08-03T04:50:00.000-07:00

Before I was married, I just assumed that my husband would lead me with strength and power. I really imagined that he’d be a strong man of God who would take me on great adventures for God and we would do incredible ministry together. It was all so glamorous in my mind.

The last two years have not been quite as “glamorous” as my ministry-focused marriage dreams were in my mind. Our adventures the past two years have not looked quite so amazing as what I imagined: I thought we’d be travelling the world doing medical ministry, doing disaster relief, preaching and teaching with power, and well, just being amazing. But my husband has taken me on an even more amazing adventure down a road of learning how to deal with my heart, my sin, and my struggles…and put the Gospel into practice in my life. It has been an adventure of struggle and freedom that outwardly may look like a small adventure, but in reality has such larger outcomes than any other adventure I had previously imagined.

His leadership has not been as much about being an outwardly powerful husband taking his wife to all kinds of crazy places to do amazing ministries; rather his leadership has been constant, steadfast, loving, and patient…meeting me where I’ve been, walking through heart areas with me, speaking the truth, and serving me always. It is through him coming alongside me in my life’s journey, meeting me in what I feel and think and setting me free through prayer and patient, loving reminders of God’s truth that I have seen him lead in a strength that I could not even fathom. The times he tried to simply correct or push forward in leadership have not been near as effective as the times he’s joined me in my journey and worked through struggles with me. I honestly did not even realize how much he’s been leading me these past two years until I stopped to reflect on the concept of loving leadership. I see how free and fully alive I feel because of his walking with me in life. All the sudden the constancy and strength of my husband’s leadership of me became very clear!

Through laying down his life again and again to love and serve me and to seek my good and life and growth, he has been leading me. As he has taken the time to listen to what goes on in my heart and lead me into truth and freedom about those issues to me, he has been leading me. Each time he has set aside his own agenda to meet me where I’ve been and ultimately lay down his life to care for me, he has been leading me. In all of this, he has been leading me to continually be transformed in Jesus. This picture of selfless, loving, honest, and freeing type of leadership is really what husbands are called to do in Scripture:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Ephesians 5:25-28

This is true leadership. This is the example Jesus set. Jesus’ example is what husbands are called to. The husband loves his wife. He gives up his life for her. That means that every day he lays his agenda down. He does this to guide her in the process of becoming transformed (being changed from an old self to the new self through Christ). This transformation happens as the husband joins his wife in her journey and with great care and patience speaks truth from the Scripture to his wife. Ultimately the husband discovers that by loving his wife in this way, he is actually loving himself. As his wife becomes more and more free and alive in Jesus, as she feels more and more loved and served by her husband, the husband’s life with his wife becomes better and better, fuller and richer than he imagined. Loving his wife is good for the husband!

The progression of the husband's call in Ephesians 5 is very simple:

* Love your wife.
* Lay down your life for your wife, so that you can…
* Guide her in Gospel transformation, so that you can…
* Free her to become who she was created to be in the purest form.
* If you love your wife, it will be good for you, too.

Wives don’t often respond well to their husbands speaking truth to them if they have not first felt loved and understood. This is probably why God first listed that husbands are to love their wives and lay down their lives for their wives as the first step before he talked about speaking truth (“washing with water through the word”) to their wives. A woman always wonders if her husband really loves her. If all he ever does is correct her, teaching her Bible studies about how she should live, he will miss her heart and actually become a roadblock in her transformation. However, the husband who loves his wife well has more of an inside track to his wife’s heart and transformation. When the husband loves his wife, really listens to his wife, and makes an effort to understand her, he has more freedom to speak truth into her reality. It seems God understood this in his progression of the woman’s heart. The goal in the husband speaking truth to the wife is to lead her in transformation. As the husband loves his wife, joins her where she is, walks with her through her struggles, lovingly speaking truth to her, the wife then becomes more and more the woman she was created to be. He walks her through becoming a pure, full form (“without stain or wrinkle or blemish, but holy and blameless”) of the woman she was created to be…a woman created in the image of God, reflecting Christ. The best part for the husband is that God says that if the husband loves his wife, he is actually loving himself. The husband who loves his wife well, makes his own life even better!

This adventure of soul transformation is the best adventure a husband can lead his wife on. It takes love, patience, trust and honesty; however, it is so worth it. Soul transformation ought to supersede any other ministry-related adventure, because it is vital to continually experience transformation in your own life before you try to lead other’s there.

Life Update

2011-07-30T11:43:00.001-07:00

While we have many exciting things going on this week, I have also discovered that I have to take life much slower than I normally do. This paradox was at first very frustrating to me, but as each day passes it is becoming more acceptable. My little brother, who’s fifteen and such an awesome guy, has been visiting for the past week and a half. My husband is performing his first wedding ceremony today and is also preaching at our church tomorrow. My son is working on walking and talking…and teething! It seems he doesn’t sleep very well (and neither do we) when he’s in pain. In the midst of it all, I have been keeping up my normal life speed, cleaning house, doing laundry, preparing for Baby Dos, spending time with people, taking my son out and about…only to discover that it is a bit too much.

After a busy weekend followed by a fun day at the pool last week, I had a few too many contractions in too short of an amount of time. This was not good since I am only twenty-nine weeks along. Thankfully, there were no major medical concerns other than the fact that the nurse in Labor and Delivery had to give me an injection to stop the contractions and I had to be told to take it easy. Apparently, I had been overdoing it.

After being told I needed to slow down, some of my heart issues immediately rose to the surface. What I didn’t know was how much my worth is still tied to accomplishments. I feel good about myself when I get things done, when I reach my goals (even if they are goals like meal planning and house cleaning). I also realized that worth issue is really self-centered when I don’t slow down to protect my little guy inside and give him a secure place to grow, but instead push past my limits to keep up appearances. Beyond realizing I still have “worth issues” and that I am self-centered, I also could see how prideful I am, since it took me having a bunch of contractions before I started asking for more help. This week has been a humbling one for sure! It’s also been amazing to walk through those issues, talk about them with my husband, repent of them all the while believing that God can fill in the gaps that my issues create as I release them to Him.

It’s so humbling to realize that my husband still loves me even if I don’t make dinner every night, do the dishes, keep the laundry done, the house cleaned, and our life in order. It’s even more humbling to ask him to do many of the more draining tasks, watching him cook, vacuum, and put our house back in order. I have grieved some over my son having to “grow up” a little more quickly than I expected, as I have to limit how much I pick him up and carry him around (especially since he’s still a novice at walking). But, it has also been amazing to see God bring life to our family as we trust him while we are stretched a little more. I even see how God knew this was the exact week my little brother needed to be here, as my little brother has willingly helped out with my son even more than I expected we’d need him to. This whole situation also gives me opportunity to be so grateful for the man I married, one who lays down his life again and again for me, his wife.

Parenting "People"

2011-07-25T11:54:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest impacts on how I look at my son was a passing comment a friend made about her daughter. When talking about how her baby girl (just a few months old at the time) struggles with certain things, she said, “She has her days, but, hey, so do I!” Our babies (and children) are people just like us.

This was really God’s idea, anyway. When He created people, He created them in the image of God. Since all people are created in the image of God, we are called to give respect and dignity to all of humanity, including babies and children.

Seeing our babies and children as people changes the way we parent. It should bring more patience, compassion, empathy, and understanding. I have listened to conversations and watched interactions that represent the opposite of seeing babies and children as people created in the image of God. It’s as though many adults often write off babies’ (and children’s) struggles as lesser or not needing the patience that we ourselves often require of others when they deal us.

The parenting of our children must come from a selfless place where we think about what we are doing, are clear and consistent, deal with our own heart first, and then validate their personhood. When we look at how God fathers us, training and disciplining children is clearly a Scriptural part of parenting (Proverbs 3:11-12 and Proverbs 22:6), but so is doing it in a way that does not frustrate, confuse, and demean them. God tells dads to not exasperate their children (Ephesians 6:4). Ultimately, this means that as parents we must be clear with our expectations of our children. I’ve watched parents punish for an action in a situation, but then let it go moments later in the same situation. Talk about feeling confused and exasperated! Of course we are going to have to discipline; however, disciplining on a whim or explosively or without warning or unclearly or with a sinful motive in our own hearts is a sure fire way to exasperate our kids!

Part of selflessly parenting also means parenting with compassion and understanding. We see God fathering us in this way throughout Scripture (Psalm 145:8). Having this loving tenderness will push us to put ourselves in our children’s shoes and try to understand what their experience of a situation is. This empathy validates their personhood. For example, can you fathom what it is like to just be learning to understand a new language and then have a person give you a forceful command followed by a swift punishment while you’re still trying to figure out what that person just said! Give your child a moment to process what you are saying, allowing them the personhood to think through the situation.

I overheard a mom (who I am guessing usually used a baby monitor) say that she would turn of the baby monitor when her child was teething so she could have some silence. That’s what not seeing your baby as a person does: it basically communicates that my needs as the parent are higher and more important than what you, the baby, are going through. This is a highly self-centered approach to parenting. Granted, as the parent, you know that sometimes if you let your teething baby cry for a few minutes that baby will fall back to sleep. Using that wisdom in parenting is not the issue here. The issue is with any parent disengaging from the child’s pain so that the parent can meet her own needs first and foremost. This is just not how God father’s us. He carries us when we’re in difficult places (Deuteronomy 1:31) and he is near when our hearts are broken (Psalm 34:18). He does not disengage when we are experience pain, but rather joins us in it.

Parenting your babies and children as people takes selflessness. It also takes an incredible amount of empathy. Below are a few questions to check your heart in this arena.

Quick Reference Heart Check for Parenting “People”:

Do you anticipate temptations and struggles that your child might have? Are you looking out for possible areas of misbehavior (at home and in public) so that you can guide your child clearly and consistently when those struggles arise?

Do you communicate with your toddler and child at their eye level, clearly, calmly, and in close proximity? Or do you communicate your instructions from afar, expecting immediate obedience without truly engaging them?

Does your child feel engaged by you prior to misbehaviors or only at the moment of discipline?

Do you understand that you have your own struggles going on, too, often in the same moment that your child is being disobedient? Have you searched out your own heart first before rushing into discipline? Do you understand what is going on inside of you, stopping to check your motives and method of discipline?

Do you engage with your child’s struggles understanding that they are compounded by developmental issues? Do you give your child who is just moving into language acquisition the time it takes to process your instructions (and warnings)?

I recently read in Rachel Jankovic’s book, Loving the Little Years, the following quote that sums this all up quite well:

“You might be thinking to yourself that you would be happy if only you could get a coffee and the kids would stop. Well, they are in the backseat thinking that they would stop fussing if only the parents would let them have a milkshake and go to Pizza Hut.”

Your children are people just like you!

Year Two

2011-07-21T12:04:00.000-07:00

Ten years ago this summer, I was sitting at a picnic table by a lake at sunset becoming totally infatuated with a crazy, 6 foot 3 inch tall, former-raver with blonde spiky hair. He, of course, had no idea that day how fast I was falling. I, of course, quickly learned that almost every other girl around at the time was also getting a crush on him, too. At that picnic table that night, he shared his story of how he began following Jesus. This guy talked about Jesus in a way that I had never heard anyone else talk about Jesus before, and I’ve heard many people talk about Jesus. I knew that this guy was unlike any guy I had ever met or would ever meet. And from that moment on, I really couldn’t ever get my mind off of him. Still can’t.

On Monday, we’ll be celebrating our second anniversary! It’s quite a long story between that picnic table and our present reality. It’s a long story, though, that I would walk through again in a moment…knowing that the struggles to even get to this place were well worth it, knowing that God is good in how He orchestrates romances (giving us grace even when we try to take control), knowing that setting my heart on a man who loves Jesus first and most was the best thing I could have ever done, knowing that we will never be “the perfect spouses” but will be continually transformed through the truth of the Gospel, knowing also that when I say “can’t find a better man,” I actually believe it, and knowing that the taste of true oneness that we’ve had in the last few months is meant only to be a beginning to the oneness that we have yet to experience in our marriage.

So, it is with awe and amazement (and a little sentimental emotion) that I celebrate a phenomenal “Year Two”!

Through a Different Lens

2011-07-15T07:22:00.000-07:00

As I was cancelling my membership at the Y yesterday, the front desk lady asked my reason for cancelling. I explained that with my one year old (sitting on my hip) and another one due in three months (pointing to my large belly), I probably wasn't going to be making it over there for a while. She then implied that I might not have known what I was doing in having two babies so close together and asked if I was okay with my situation. My response (with a smile), "Yes, this was on purpose!" I went on to explain that this is what we are doing right now. She went on to talk about how much of your life you have to give up for your children. And she's right. You do have to sacrifice for your children. But is it really that awful to grow into a more selfless human being who has the opportunity to turn raising children into a rich, full life?

Somewhere along the way, the truth about children got hijacked. While raising children does require patience, love, understanding, self-control, and dedication, it is not meant to be seen as an inconvenience to all that you could have been. That message of children as inconvenience is a lie. That dangling carrot of "all that you could have been" is a tempting one, and I've even felt it dangling in front of me at times; however, my ultimate lens for reality is the Scripture and this is just a little of what it has to say about raising children. God's original design was for married couples to have children (Genesis 1:28). He says children are a reward (Psalm 127:3). He says that young moms are to love their chldren (Titus 2:4-5). I want to see my children through God's lens.

This morning when I read Rachel Jankovic's post, "Motherhood is a Calling," I caught a glimpse into that reality and was challenged and encouraged about the countercultral call of motherhood. This post is a must read for every woman...single or married, with kids or without kids...take five minutes and look at motherhood through a different lens.

(And if you want to read more from this author, I also suggest her other recent post, "Motherhood as a Mission Field," which was also highly encouraging to me.)

Marriage in Light of the Gospel

2011-07-11T08:36:00.000-07:00

Last summer, I was talking with a friend (shortly after my husband and my first anniversary), telling her that I really thought marriage would be a lot easier for us than it was. She asked what I meant. I told her that I really thought we had matured so far that we wouldn’t struggle with the things we were struggling with. She told me straightforwardly that I really wasn’t understanding the Gospel and that I really didn’t understand how much of a sinner I was nor how much of a sinner my husband was! She was basically telling me that I thought too highly of myself and of my husband. Ouch!

But it helped! She was right that I really didn’t understand my marriage in light of the Gospel. I really didn’t see myself as that bad of a sinner nor did I see how my sins were affecting our marriage. And I certainly didn’t see my husband as a sinner. In fact, I thought my husband was so amazing that I just assumed he’d get everything right all the time. I mean I knew he’d make mistakes sometimes, but I just really expected him to be more perfect than he was. It was a wake up call to realize that he was an imperfect person who needed continual grace.

Simply put, when the Gospel is applied to marriage, two people who are broken and sinful are to continually take their brokenness and sinfulness to Jesus so that he can redeem (bring back to God) and restore those things (transforming the broken areas into what God intended). Then as Jesus does the restoration work, those two people can then move into healing and fullness in marriage, experiencing marriage as God intended it to be.

So, how did this change our marriage?

First, I realized that I was doing some very harmful things in our marriage. I was actually continually sinning towards my husband. It made me squirm the first time I really saw that clearly. I really did think pretty highly of myself. The real truth was, though, I wasn’t very good at trusting my husband with our whole life. By not trusting him, I was actually making him feel not respected. I was also not communicating clearly with him or helping him really understand who I was or what I needed because I already wasn’t trusting him with myself or our life. Rather than share vulnerably and invite him into my heart and life, I was still trying to take care of myself and my heart on my own and direct our life. I also just expected him to know what I wanted or what he should do (without really explaining it to him). Realizing this meant that I had to confess to him and to God. I also had to ask God to really change me, to give me a heart that trusted my husband. I knew that the transformation to trusting and depending on my husband, vulnerably giving my heart and life to him, was something bigger than just me “trying hard.” Rather, I knew I needed God to transform me. And as I was asking him to transform me, I began continually making choices to trust my husband, to share my heart, my needs, my hopes and my dreams vulnerably. These choices came as a result of walking in the Scriptural truth that I needed to respect my husband, which really is more about trusting him than it is about being “respectful.”

The second main thing that affected our marriage was that I understood that my husband really was an imperfect man. I knew he had a few flaws when we got married; however, I held him to such an incredibly high standard (because he really is amazing!), that there really wasn’t much room for him to fail. By holding him so high, I really was not offering grace, but rather putting pressure on him. That pressure often made him feel like he wasn’t doing a good job as a husband. It was eye-opening to understand that my husband is going to sin and fail and mess up and that when he does he actually needs my grace, not my frustration. Of course, it doesn’t mean I ignore times when I’m hurt…that would just be unhealthy. What it does mean is that when he does fail in some area, because I believe the Gospel, I am called to offer him grace. With a heart of grace and in an effort to maintain oneness, there will be times that I will need to speak truth to him about a failure or share with him how I have been hurt. What changed in our marriage, though, was that I was no longer surprisingly disappointed that my husband made mistakes. Instead, I felt the renewed need to give him grace and freedom to fail and to come alongside him, making the learning curve of being a husband easier (and not harder).

So, the question for you is: how do you view yourself in your marriage? Do you see yourself as the perfect partner? Do you see your own imperfection and depravity? How do you view your spouse? Do you have super-human expectations on your spouse that he cannot live up to? How do you respond when he does make mistakes or let you down?

Just like with any sinful pattern that affects your marriage, it takes confessing it to your spouse and to God. After confessing that sin, it takes asking God to transform you at a heart level and also choosing to believe Scriptural truth by choosing to be different when the opportunities present themselves to sin again in that area. The truth is that no one is going to get it right all the time in marriage. Marriage is two imperfect people committing before God to live life together for His glory and His purposes. The “imperfect” part is always going to affect the marriage. The God part is where there is the possibility of hope and redemption and restoration. The truth is that sin is never beyond Christ’s redemption. God can restore hurt and broken areas back to life and wholeness. Continually engaging in this cycle of sin-recognition, confession, redemption, transformation, and restoration is what will build a marriage into the kind that God intended. And that’s the kind of marriage I want to have!

The Fruitful Wife

2011-07-07T13:11:00.000-07:00

I’ve been reading the Psalms for the last couple of months, trying to read a few a day to keep my spirit connected to God, while my brain feels a little more mushy than normal. Today I came across one that took a loosely-formed concept to a more concrete level.

Psalm 128

A song of ascents.
1 Blessed are all who fear the LORD,
who walk in his ways.
2 You will eat the fruit of your labor;
blessings and prosperity will be yours.
3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
within your house; your sons will be like olive shoots
around your table.
4 Thus is the man blessed
who fears the LORD.
5 May the LORD bless you from Zion
all the days of your life; may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem,
6 and may you live to see your children’s children.
Peace be upon Israel.

The verse that makes my fuzzy concept clearer is verse 3. My husband and I have been reflecting on the call of the husband to cultivate his wife and facilitate her truly being alive. This call has been developing in our marriage as we have sought to become more one and as we have each laid down more and more of our self-centered tendencies, truly seeking to pursue the other’s good. This seeking the other’s good has been a growing process for both of us.

What we’ve observed is that as my husband seeks to bring me life and to facilitate the development and use of my gifts and abilities, the result is that our marriage, family, and home are thriving. Even my husband is gaining life because of his pursuit of making my life “fruitful.” Much of his feeling full and alive and connected to God also stems from him seeking to “live with me in an understanding way” (see 1 Peter 3:7 and the post, “Porcelain, Part 2”).

So to me, Psalm 128:3 (above) is about more than making babies (Scripture often talks about fruitfulness in terms of having children). I really think that a man who truly “fears the Lord” and “walks in his ways” (Psalm 128:1), will live with his wife in such a way that his wife will be fruitful in who she was created to be, that she will bring life to her family and home under her husbands love and care. That because her husband understands the way God loves and works, he is able to imitate this and engage with his wife in such a way that not only is he looking out for her good, but he also fosters and facilitates the development and use of her gifts and abilities, wanting to enable her to live as fully as she can in the way she was created to be.

That life (or fruitfulness) it seems is meant to directly impact the home. The verse says that the wife will be fruitful in her husband’s home. Of course she is not bound to her home (see Proverbs 31:10-31…that girl was out and active in the world around her); rather, because her husband facilitates her life, the fruitful wife wants to be invested in her home because she is free and alive and loved there. Her home is her launch pad for all that she would be and do (again, see the Proverbs 31:10-31). Which is why I think the older women in Titus 2:4-5 are instructed to teach the younger women to “work at home.” There is a learning curve to seeing your home as your starting place, your focal point, and your launching pad for all of life, service, ministry, and relationships. And when the husband’s secondary focus (after his primary focus of being a man who “fears the Lord” and “walks in his ways”) is facilitating his wife having a full life in who she was created to be, it would follow that the wife would want to be found in that place by giving her fullness, her fruitfulness to her marriage, family, and home.

So, where are you with this? Are you living in such a way that you are cultivating and using your gifts and abilities to bring life to your husband, family, and home? Have you given your husband a chance to really understand who you are? Have you clearly communicated your needs to him (see the post, “Your Husband’s Top Three”), inviting him into the opportunity to live with you in an understanding way?

Maybe you really struggle with seeing your home as your focal point and necessary launching pad. Have you sought out relationships with older women who can show you how to “work at home” in the way that you were uniquely gifted and designed to do? The call is not a life of burdensome wifely duty, but giving all of who you were created to be to your home and family and launching out from that marriage, family, and home. Look for older women who live this way, who live with life and passion, whose gifts and abilities have been cultivated and grown, who are using who they are to bring life to people they live with and the people they live around. Then get to know these women and ask them how they are able to give so much life to their husband, family, and home and really see that context as their launching pad.

Maybe your struggle is very different. Maybe after considerable prayer you need to have a paradigm shift conversation with your husband (see the post, “Paradigm Shift Conversations”), explaining to him that you do not feel free and alive in your home and that you need his help. I caution you, though, that if you have this type of conversation, you must possess humility and be invitational. Don’t fall into the trap of being a nagging wife who is just vying for what she thinks she deserves; rather, check your heart to make sure that your desire is really to invite your husband into helping you be able to bring more life to your husband, family, and home.

A Response

2011-07-05T18:07:00.000-07:00

I personally have not been following the Casey Anthony case. I honestly cannot bear the details of any child’s murder, regardless of who the murderer was. It is evil; however, being almost six months pregnant and also having a delightful one year old, I do not have the heart capacity to dwell those details.

What shocked me, though, today was the number of Facebook updates there were about the case. I honestly did not realize how many people were following the story so closely. As a result, I have been contemplating this evening that force of people who were following this case so closely and what their potential might be. If so many people could be so captured by one story of horrific evil, then I wonder what potential they might have in becoming aware of and actively opposed to a multitude of other evils.

So, if you were one of those following the Casey Anthony trial, I have a charge (or a call) for you. Rather then let your intense disgust at evil stop at your focus on this trial, consider actively engaging in the broader fight against injustice. It is not wrong to be so completely disgusted at evil; however, do not let your disgust be simply with this one case. Go further and take action. My charge for you is to simply visit International Justice Mission’s website: www.ijm.org. Once you get there, you will find a myriad of ways you can fight injustice all over the world. There are ways to engage with this organization regardless of how little or much time or money you have. If you have been following the Casey Anthony trial consistently, though, my guess is you probably have some available time to invest.

If, like me, you have not been following the Casey Anthony trial, my charge is still the same for you. Take a moment to consider how you can also be active in fighting evil and injustice in this world. Visit International Justice Mission’s website: www.ijm.org and consider how you, too, can get involved. Isn’t it true that “…no one can do everything, but everyone can do something.”

Early Early Literacy

2011-06-30T18:17:00.000-07:00

It is never too early to start literacy development. Literacy development encompasses more than just reading to your child; although that is the key component, it is also just a part of creating a literacy rich environment. I am trying to engage my one year old in a few things that I learned while teaching. Here are just a few tips and trips I wanted to share with you for creating a literacy rich environment for your baby or toddler:

* Read to your child: The foundation to developing your child to be a reader is simply to read to your child. When I taught, I would give my students’ parents an article explaining the importance of reading to your child for twenty minutes a day. Reading to your child for twenty minutes a day is one of the greatest contributing factors in him/her becoming a reader. For those of you with older kids, reading to them is still just as important (and sometimes even more important) as having them practicing their reading skills (i.e. reading to you). Reading to your child gives him/her access to literature that he/she is not ready to read alone yet. This allows a love for reading, a love for story, a growth of imagination to occur as they are free to engage their minds in what is being read to them without being bogged down in the text.

Granted, at one year old, twenty minutes a day is a little long of a reading time (if not for my son, it is for me…there are only so many times I can read his favorite three board books over and over). However, I do make an effort to read for at least five to ten minutes most days. Even if it’s just one board book a day you’re able to get through, the process of literacy development is being aided by that one book!

* Choose developmentally appropriate texts: When reading to your baby or toddler, you’ll have to be a little more selective about what to read in order to hold his/her attention. I’ve found that even some board books lose my son’s interest after about two pages. Look for simple texts, books with rhythm or rhymes, and “lift the flap” books. My two favorite authors for this baby/early toddler stage are Karen Katz and Sandra Boynton. Read the same ten or so books over and over and over again so that your child becomes familiar with the text. At this stage, familiar books are often going to be the favorite ones.

* Create a literacy rich environment: For babies and toddlers, get yourself a supply of board books that you won’t mind wearing out. It is important for your child to feel like he/she has access to these books. Keeping books out of reach and protected communicates the message to your toddler that books are “not for you." Look at garage sales or thrift stores, or register for board books if you’re about to have a baby, or ask for board books for your child’s first birthday. Even if you choose used books, it’s still not too early to train your child how to treat books well (i.e. not throwing them, not ripping them, etc.). Do expect these early board books to get a little worn, just like you would with any other thing a toddler plays with regularly.

In order to have a truly literacy rich environment, you will want to create a space in your home where books are easily accessible to your child. Even if it’s just a little shelf somewhere, be sure it’s low enough that your toddler can get books out on his/her own. Also, if possible, find a spot where you can set up a few books with the covers facing out. This is vital to a truly literacy rich environment. When I taught, I bought the bookshelf pictured above. It is not necessary to have a bookshelf like this; rather, the necessary part is just having a space (ideally on a shelf at the child’s eye level) where you can arrange a few books with their covers facing out. Alternate the books that you display every week or two. No matter how small your home (we live in an apartment), you can always find a small space for books to be accessible to your child.

* Go to the library: Take advantage of your library system. Most local libraries offer a free story time for toddlers. I am grateful to be living in a town right now that has a “My First Story Time” for birth-two years old. Take your toddler to story time. After story time, spend a few minutes in the children’s section looking at board books. Even if your library doesn’t offer a story time for how young your toddler is, take your toddler to the library anyway. Spend time in the children’s section, find the board books, and read a few to your toddler.

These are just a few practical ways to begin literacy development early. You will be giving your child an excellent start to his/her literacy development by implementing reading and creating a literacy rich environment even at this young age.

A Challenge

2011-06-28T07:58:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading When Helping Hurts: How to Alleviate Poverty Without Hurting the Poor and Yourself (by Steve Corbett and Brian Fikkert). I strongly recommend that you read this book! In fact, I challenge you to read this book. I feel like I have learned so much and have a broader understanding of poverty and my role in response to poverty. I’ve always known I need to help the poor and the oppressed, but so often I feel completely at a loss in the face of the magnitude of poverty. This book at least helped me sort out the paradigm of poverty and the necessary responses to poverty.

It was a little more work for me to read this book right now, as it is a bit more technical than most of what I am reading currently; however, I was still able to understand and process it even while being pregnant and taking care of a one year old. So, just about anyone should also be able to understand and absorb it! I got to the point where I just read a few pages per day so that I could process what I was reading.

The following are a few of the overarching premises of the book; however, to truly grasp them, I (again) recommend that you read the whole book for yourself and let your poverty paradigm expand (and shift).

“Yes, Jesus died for our souls, bur he also died to reconcile – that is, to put in right relationship – all things that He created (p. 33).”

“Poverty is the result of relationships that do not work, that are not just, that are not for life, that are not harmonious or enjoyable. Poverty is the absence of shalom in all its meanings (p. 62).”

“Poverty alleviation is the ministry of reconciliation: moving people closer to glorifying God by living in right relationships with God, with self, with others, and with the rest of creation (p. 78).”

“Material poverty alleviation is working to reconcile the four foundational relationships so that people can fulfill their callings of glorifying God by working and supporting themselves and their families with the fruit of that work (p. 78).”

“Avoid paternalism. Do not do for people things that they can do for themselves (p. 115).”

“Asset-based community development [as opposed to needs-based] is consistent with the perspective that God has blessed every individual and community with a host of gifts, including such diverse things as land, social networks, knowledge, animals, savings, intelligence, schools, creativity, production equipment, etc. (p. 126).”

“Again, poverty alleviation is about reconciling people’s relationships, not about putting bandages over particular manifestations of the underlying brokenness (p. 128).”

Practical steps for working towards poverty alleviation are communicated in detail throughout the second half of the book. Please pick up a copy of this book or share a copy between yourself and other friends. Caring for those in need is not an optional calling; rather, it is an integral part of being agents of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:16-21).

Happy Summer

2011-06-24T12:35:00.001-07:00

There's nothing quite like a good road trip. When I was single, I would love to drive over the Sierra Nevadas through Sacramento to San Francisco or any other ocean town just for the day. I'd listen to great music and pray and ponder all of life. It was such a peaceful time to just process, after which I'd often feel clearer about life and God and my purpose.

Yesterday, I embarked on a similar trip. This time I was headed to an Oklahoma State Park for a retreat. There I was driving away in my little car with a great song coming on the iPod, ready to just enjoy. Only in the midst of my perfect road trip moment, I had to just laugh out loud because behind me in the backseat was my happy one year old jabbering away at the top of his lungs and making razzing noises with his mouth, next to me was my tall, best-friend of a husband sharing all of the nutritional facts of Sonic Drive-In's food choices, and inside of me was my yet-to-be-born son joining in the fun by rolling around! Not quite the same mind-clearing, life-focusing experience road trips once were.

And I wouldn't change a thing!

Watching

2011-06-22T13:13:00.001-07:00

Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.- Robert Fulghum

My son has lately taken to laying on the floor randomly throughout the day, especially when my husband is home. After being confused a bit by this, my husband and I realized that my husband often lays on the floor when we play together as a family. My husband does this so he can be at the same level as our son. And my son simply wants to be like his daddy. If his daddy lays on the floor during playtime, then that’s what he’s supposed to do, too, right?

The truth is my son has picked up many things from watching his daddy. He knows how to snuggle and hug because his daddy is a hugger. He loves to eat what his daddy eats. He learned how to back up his walking toy and change directions with it because his daddy walked it all over the house one day showing our son how to back it up and change directions. He knows how to wave “bye-bye” because his daddy waves “bye-bye” to him every morning as he leaves for work.

These early years are simple. We want our son to watch us and learn from us. We want him to learn to eat and play and walk and talk. Those are basic things. While he’s watching the basics, though, he’s also watching much deeper things. He’s watching what we believe. As he watches us, he’s taking in our ideas about life, about God, about marriage, about purpose, about love, and about him.

I could spend my life telling my son what I think and believe, but the greatest communicator of what I believe is going to be how I live. What my life teaches him, what my actions communicate, what my priorities tell him will be what he actually thinks I believe. This is a weighty truth.

So, what is my life telling him? What is your life telling your kids? Your kids are going to believe what you do with your life more than what you say.

Making It Work

2011-06-20T08:07:00.000-07:00

Just when I really figured out how to do life smoothly in the schedule and lifestyle we have as a medical family, everything is about to change! Anyone who is married to a man whose job requires a non-traditional schedule knows exactly what I am talking about. Doctors’ wives, pastors’ wives, cops’ wives, and many more know the work it takes to not only accept that your life schedule is not normal, but to also make it work well for your family, creating some type of rhythm in it. And sometimes (like right now for me) as soon as you get that rhythm settled, the whole thing gets turned upside down again, requiring a whole new rhythm.

My first reaction to any change in our schedule is always to think that the change will be impossible and “we won’t make it!” and that I will disintegrate in the midst of the change. Which I am sure is not very encouraging to my husband! Thankfully, though, he understands how I am wired…that I need some level of consistency and order. So, he always asks with schedule changes how we can make it work and what I need. Because of his willingness to work together as a team on our life schedule, somehow we always do make it and find time for the life things that we feel are most important (Sabbaths, date nights, family time, personal time).

A non-medical friend asked me the other day about our medical life schedule and what each part is and how it affects me. It felt so amazing to have a friend try to understand my life schedule and to understand the various limitations on me in this lifestyle. For example this last year, my husband has worked two nights a week (one ’til eight or nine at the clinic and one on-call overnight at the hospital) and had discipleship groups he’s involved in two other nights of the week. This means four nights a week, I have needed to be home for the night by seven to give our son a bath and put him to bed. One night a week is date night (love it!) and we’ve been going to a small group on the sixth night a week, which leaves one night a week for rest. It’s crazy. And it takes some explaining. But I so appreciate when others try to understand what my life looks like!

The upside of all this craziness is that there are other times throughout the week that I get extra support from my husband (that other husbands with traditional-schedule jobs are not able to provide). For example, I get to have Monday mornings to myself (which usually looks like me and a journal and my computer at a coffee shop). In the spring, I get to help lead a Bible study one morning a week and leave the boys with my husband. Having support during some of the daytimes does help offset the evening load. Plus, my husband prioritizes an early dinner time together, coming home by four, on the evenings that he has discipleship groups, so we do get time together as a family. Thankfully, my husband also has an incredible understanding that his job is not mean to be in the primary position in his life, and as a result, he works a reduced schedule compared to most other doctors.

My challenge has been learning how to see the benefits of this random life schedule and make it work for us. And I am again faced with that challenge as his schedule shifts next month. In July, due to his medical residency moving to a new hospital, my husband is taking on a new role (as a hospitalist one week a month) in addition to his current roles as clinical physician and faculty. This means more changes, more randomness…but also possibly more benefits (if I try to see them!). Some of the benefits of this change include no more night clinic, him being home for dinner when he’s on-call due to not needing to be at the hospital (except for births), and more concentrated time at home together to offset the heavy hospitalist week.

This randomness is not exactly the life I had planned. In fact, I never actually intended to marry a doctor. I know, I know, for those of you who know me, you know I’ve had a crush on my husband since I was nineteen. Somehow, though, the reality that he was going to be a doctor never really sunk in. The reality of being a doctor’s wife was never really on my mind. Living well in that lifestyle has been a major growth point over the last two years. It takes flexibility on my part, as well as clear priorities as a family so that we know what to say yes to and what to say no to. And somehow with that flexibility and that commitment to priorities, we’ve really begun to find a great life rhythm. Which I am hoping will be able to find again even after all the upcoming changes!

A Great Man

2011-06-16T12:37:00.000-07:00

My dad is a great man. I got to stay with him and my mom while back home the last two weeks. I wish more daughters had dads like him! He understands the value of being a father and how important his role is in my life. I have learned so much from him. When he talks, what he says matters; however, most of what I learned from him, I learned from watching his life. In honor of Father’s Day, I want to take a minute to share just a handful of the most important lessons I have learned from my dad.

- Live with integrity. This goes beyond simply telling the truth into handling all situations in an honest manner. He taught this the most effectively by the way he lived. From playing games to clocking in and out at work, he taught me to always live honestly.

- Do what you love. The best thing I learned for him is that the goal of life is not career, money, success, or power. Growing up in his home, there was a freedom to pursue the things that I loved to do regardless of how much money I would make or what kind of success-story I would become. My dad always encouraged me to pursue that which I loved because he knew deep down that doing what I was created to do was way more important than how much money I made or how important I looked.

- Work hard. My dad is one of the hardest workers I know. He is one of those men who is to be respected for his sacrificial work in supporting his family. Because of his example, I learned the value of hard work.

- Raising your voice doesn’t help anything. My dad never yelled at us growing up. Having been in management his whole life, I can only imagine the variety of difficult people he has dealt with, and yet he is still amazingly patient and calm. Once when I was a kid and we went to a fast food restaurant and his order was wrong and the server was rude, my dad explained the problem to the server clearly and calmly. I was so impressed with how patient he was, that I asked him why he didn’t raise his voice or get mad (as I’d observe lots of other people do in these situations). He explained that raising his voice wouldn’t help solve the problem. That simple truth has stuck with me my whole life.

- Reach out to those in distress. I know multiple stories of my dad helping people out who were broke down on the side of the road. He’s a volunteer with search and rescue, going out at any hour, in any weather to look for those who are lost. I admire his willingness to serve others.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad!
Thank you so much for all the lessons you have taught me by your example! You are an amazing dad and a truly great man!

Under Attack

2011-06-04T10:48:00.001-07:00

At our marriage retreat this past weekend, a major truth about marriage struck me. As I listened to the various things each couple shared, I realized how evident it is that we have an enemy and he wants to destroy our lives. If we are married, that enemy wants to destroy our marriages or at the very least render them ineffective, unhappy, miserable commitments of drudgery, bitterness, and frustration. This is evidenced through even very small misunderstandings in marriage…little things that aren’t make it or break it issues, but continue to cause couples hurt and struggle. Those hurts and struggles create a wall, separating the individuals further and further. The enemy’s goal in our marriages is to withhold insight, understanding, and growth in these areas; but, rather, to continue patterns of confusion, self-centeredness, and struggle. The Scripture talks about this reality:

Reality: …Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

Primary Aim: The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy… John 10:10

Primary Lie: God is not good nor is He working towards or for your good; He is holding out on you. You see this starting in Genesis when the enemy tempts the first humans by telling them God doesn’t want them to be like God, so God has withheld the tree of knowledge from them.

This reality is played out in all areas of our life. Specifically in marriage, we see it all the time when two people stay in cycles of destruction, confusion, and hurt. The truth is that the enemy wants to destroy marriages and devour the individuals in the process. There is hope, though.

Hope: The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10

Through the redemptive work of Jesus, our marriages have the possibility of being restored to what God originally intended marriage to be. In order to actually be restored to that reality, though, we have to go backwards and look at the original design and what fractured that design.

Original Design (from Genesis 1 & 2):

To not be alone (it is not good for man to be alone)
Have sex/intimacy (be fruitful/multiply and they will become one flesh)
Make babies (be fruitful/multiply)
Create a new family unit (leave mom and dad)
Hold tight to each other (and he will hold fast to his wife)
Create oneness (they will become one flesh)
Be vulnerable with one another (they were naked and weren’t ashamed)

That original design includes intimacy, vulnerability, oneness, teamwork, family, and passion. And even though that’s what marriage was intended to be, almost always that is not the reality. This discrepancy is due to the fall. The fall happened in Genesis when the snake tempts the humans with something God had instructed them not to do, by lying to them that God is holding out on them. And the fall happens all the time in our lives when we act on the lies the enemy is telling us. Our marriages are kept from the original design when we believe lies of the enemy and then act on those lies, bringing destruction to our marriages. This is what fractures the original design of marriage…us listening to the enemy and ultimately putting those lies to action, sinning, and bringing death in some way to our marriages.

The Fracture: But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. James 1:14-15

So, we don’t want to stay in the fracture, right? We can’t just run ahead and claim restoration, though, without dealing with the fall. The Gospel tells us that Jesus, though his death and resurrection, reconciles us with God by redeeming us (buying us back) from the enemy. So, those of us who are followers of Jesus no longer belong to the enemy but to God. But, restoration doesn’t just happen automatically. We don’t just jump into the original design for marriages just because we are followers of Jesus. Rather, we must walk through the reality of our own fall, our own sin, the lies that we believe again and again, exposing the lies, repenting of the sin so that God can actually heal those areas and then restore them to his original design.

At the marriage retreat, I was listening to someone share the picture of the bricks we lay between ourselves and our spouses, building a wall of separation over time. So often in the “churchianity” world, we know those walls exist, we see them being built in our marriages, but all we know to do is reach over the wall. I’ve witnessed Christian couples work harder and harder to find each other over those walls rather than tear the walls down brick by brick. It is a religious message to just “try harder.” It is the Gospel to start exposing the enemy’s lies in your marriage and in yourself. It is the Gospel to start identifying your own sin. It is the Gospel to confess (admit the sin) and repent (turn away from the sin) and believe (that Jesus can transform you). As you continually confess and repent to your spouse and allow God to transform, restore, and heal, you begin to join God in taking those bricks down.

It is worth the continual soul work of exposing lies and repenting of sin, coming to your spouse (and to God) again and again in humility and vulnerability to open your marriage to the possibility of fullness. In that fullness will be unheard of oneness…God’s original intent.

Practical Steps:

Do not let the enemy reign over your marriage but be alert and begin to expose his tactics in your marriage. Take a few minutes to prayerfully answer the following questions:

What lies (about yourself, your spouse, and your marriage) are you believing?

How are those lies affecting your marriage?

What is the truth (counteracting those lies)?

Where are you sinning in your marriage (and ultimately bringing death to it)?

What would it look like for you to confess and repent of those sins and be transformed?

Marriage Restoration

2011-05-31T15:27:00.000-07:00

This last weekend, my husband and I got to take a few couples to an amazing bed and breakfast in town and lead a marriage retreat for them. Having never been to a marriage retreat before, we were not held back by any preconceived idea of what a marriage retreat should be. So, we did what we wanted to do. We planned lots of time for the couples to connect with each other. We held it in one of the most relaxing settings in town. We had only four main teaching sessions emphasizing basic truths that are revolutionary when applied to marriage. We also had enough extra time slots for each couple to meet with us one on one during the free time if they wanted to. This is what my husband and I would want from a marriage retreat if we were to attend one, so this is what we planned for the marriage retreat we were leading.

It was amazing to be apart of God working in each couple’s life; however, the most phenomenal part was seeing how much God has been restoring our own marriage. As my husband and I led the sessions and met with each couple, the magnitude of what God has been doing in us blew me away!

Prior to marriage both my husband and I were two independent people whom God had used in so many different and amazing ways. We both assumed that when God brought us together, this amazing-ness in ministry would just naturally continue. What we didn’t anticipate was how difficult it would be to become one, let alone to join together in ministry. During the first year of marriage we actually did a lot of damage to each other, each of us feeling as though we were not believed in by the other. I felt like he did not value my giftings or even believe in them as effective tools. He felt as though I did not believe in him at all. I only perpetuated the lie in his life that he needed to perform better, do better to really be used by God. I would dread any time we were going to work on ministry stuff together. We would both feel critiqued and defeated. We each had ideas about the best way to do things and those seemed to be at odds. We wanted to serve the Lord together, but there were some major disconnects. At one point I honestly thought that we would never be able to actually do ministry together. I knew we were intended to serve in the Kingdom, but things had reached the point that I just assumed that we would have to work separately side-by-side in the Kingdom, than actually together.

Over the last year, God has been working on our marriage, teaching us basic (but revolutionary) truths, and leading us into how to live those truths out. We began to find ways to support one another’s strengths, callings, and gifts. We also sought forgiveness from the other for hurting the other in the process of previously-tried ministry efforts. God began building the truth that we do believe in each other, that each of us really does value the other and that each of us sees and supports who God created the other to be. We focused a lot on freeing each other up to do the things God created each of us to do.

This weekend, though, we actually did ministry together. We actually planned and led a retreat…together. It was amazing to see how God has worked on each of us to really support the other and to value the way God had designed the other. For the first time in our marriage, we were able to lead something together and actually “flow” together as we led. We were no longer at odds with each other, striving to prove our own value or our own idea. Instead, we were continually calling the other forward to lead in areas of strength for the other. As we planned and prepared and facilitated the retreat, we continually relied on the strengths of the other. We functioned as a team, we functioned as one.

And I fell more in love with my husband. This is what I always dreamed it would be like to be married to him.

Solomon Fritz

2011-05-24T12:42:00.000-07:00

There is this part in Matthew 6, where Jesus talks about not being anxious. He asks in the passage about how pointless it is to worry, when He is able to dress the even the lilies beautifully. He is making the point that He will take care of us. I have always struggled with fear, worry, and anxiety. So, I have always wanted to name a daughter “Lily,” as a symbol of the truth in this passage that God even cares of the lilies. We do not have to worry because if He cares for the lilies, how much more will He care for us!

Last Thanksgiving while my husband and I were visiting our families back home, we also went to my home church, Living Stones. During the worship set, the band sang a song based on that Matthew 6 passage. And while I sang with those words that night, I really felt like our next child would be symbol of peace. My husband and I had each just gone through some struggles that we were feeling God lift. I was sensing a season of peace a head of us. It made sense that our next child (who did not even exist yet) was to be a part of that season of peace. Because I was understanding all of this while singing about that Scripture, I just figured that our next child would also be a girl and would be named “Lily.”

However, six weeks ago when we started trying to figure out what this baby was, I began to realize that this baby might not be “Lily.” After one of our attempts to find out if this was a boy or girl, I came home and googled boy names that mean “peace” or “symbol of peace.” Not so great. Names like Manfred and Godfrey (and those were the good ones!). I kept searching, though, because I really felt like this baby’s name needed to mean “peace.”

Then I found it. Solomon. As I read, I began to really love the name and what it means. Solomon comes from the Hebrew word shalom, which means “God’s peace.” This idea of peace is more than just tranquility. This idea of peace is a peace that comes from living in connection with God and, as a result of that connection, everything working as He designed it.

So, I emailed my husband the name to see what he thought (if he didn’t like it, I thought it would be easier to take over an email that in person!). He loved it. Later he suggested the name “Fritz” as the middle name. Fritz is after his brother. When my husband and his brother were in high school, someone made a comment about “the Fritz,” referring to my husband’s brother, and that quick nickname has become a permanent fixture ever since. My husband’s brother has “given” names; however, Fritz is who he is. What I found out after a little research is that the name Fritz actually means “peaceful ruler, peace keeper.” Perfect.

As of yesterday, as a result of my fifth ultrasound (three by my husband, two by the OB doc), we know that in October we will get to meet our son, Solomon Fritz, our symbol of peace.

A Little Something for (almost) Everyone, part 2

2011-05-23T08:35:00.000-07:00

I have been so encouraged in the last few months by reading other’s blog posts, that I wanted to share a few of my favorites in efforts to encourage you, too! Just click on the post's title, and it will take you directly to that post.

Soul/Spiritual Life:

Soulful Splendor

The Urban Renewal Project of the Soul

Preacher’s Wife Preachin’ to Herself

Family/Motherhood/Adoption:

What Are They Worth

Can’t Have One Without the Other

Strong Coffee, Weak Mama

A Wife’s Role: Guarding the Peace of My Home

Searching the Heart

Living in Another Culture:

My Shift in the NICU

My “Brave Heart” Man:

Pregnancy/Postpartum/PMS:

Not A Time to Analyze

A Simple Season

A New Normal

A Wife’s Role: Guarding the Peace of My Home

Postpartum Depression
(This post is a collection of pieces, scroll down to the one titled: “Postpartum Depression”)

Contraception/Natural Family Planning:

Natural Family Planning Method As Effective As The Pill According to New Research

Sex, Condoms, the Pill, Babies

Our "Someday"

2011-05-18T09:31:00.000-07:00

"The hardest thing to realize is that our someday is right now."

This was on the front of the card my husband stuck in my suitcase for this trip. Just a few days ago, my sister was about to go into labor with her second son. And I was feeling so far away, living halfway across the country from her. I checked flights to see if I could get out that day (even though I was already planning on flying out just four weeks later). Flights were about $800-$900. Not justifiable. Even for this.

So, I shared this with my husband when he came home that night, telling him that I so wanted to be with her, but understood the reality of our life and the distance. He immediately took time to see if our Southwest points would work. Under their new rewards system, it would take way more points than we had. Then he discovered he still had one free fight under their old system and encouraged me to use that last truly free flight to go home and be with my sister. I had to take time to think about it. I always feel like doing things spur of the moment or ever on an impulse must be wrong. He told me that it's those decisions that to him often feel right and make him feel alive. So after analyzing and thinking through everything, I told him to go ahead and see if he could find flights that would work.

Saturday morning my son and I got on a flight. My husband found and booked a flight for me, using his last free flight. Only my parents knew I was coming into town, so I got the thrill of surprising each of my siblings. The best surprise was getting to walk into my sister's home and hug her on one of the most important days in her life...the day she brought her son home from the hospital. I leave today, but am so grateful that I could be here for this time. I feel so grateful that I could hang out with my family and meet my new nephew and, more than anything, that I could be with my sister.

It is so true that it is so hard for us to realize that our "someday" is right now. Too often we live as though these days are the training season for when our real life will start. Too often we live as though we aren't going to wake up one day and be sixty years old with our children grown and a large part of our life lived. We live as though we've got forever to make the most of these moments. But we don't. This is the day God has given us to live.

Not every day is going to be a spur of the moment adventure (like flying home to surprise my sister); however, every day, regardless of how "normal," is mean to be lived well. Life is too short to not live fully. Too often we wait for our "someday" to come, thinking that when it comes, then we will do this or that or whatever it is that we think is really living. Why not look at today as our "someday" and start living fully now. Make the most of the mundane, turning it into moments that matter. Do not miss the gift of this day.

...yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. James 4:14

This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

A Little Something for (almost) Everyone, part 1

2011-05-13T13:21:00.000-07:00

I’ve been reading more lately, because I have so much to learn in the area of motherhood, parenting, and marriage. My husband and I have also been reading more about poverty alleviation, too, as we feel a strong pull to help those in need. Here are a few of my most helpful reads from the last year or so. If you click on the book title, it will link you directly to amazon.com where you can read more about it and purchase your own copy if you like. I don’t know about you, but unless I’m buying a bunch of books (and thereby getting free shipping on Amazon), I tend to buy the used copies as they are usually much cheaper than the new copies.

Contraception/Natural Family Planning:

Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler
This book is an excellent tool when choosing to not use hormonal birth control. This was the most informative resource for me in how to go about natural contraception.

Pregnancy/Birth:

The Complete Book of Pregnancy and Childbirth by Sheila Kitzinger
This is my all-time favorite birth preparation book! I found it on my husband’s medical textbook shelf, only to find out later that it is not an actual textbook, but was given to him from an OB who first became a midwife before he became an OB Doc, so that he would have an excellent understanding of pregnancy and birth. This book reflects the combination of mindsets from both the midwife and medical doc worlds.

Birthing from Within by Pam England
While this book definitely leans towards a mystical world outlook, many of the relaxation techniques proved to be helpful for me. If you pick this book up, use discernment, picking and choosing what is actually helpful (and in line with Truth).

Parenting/Family:

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, M.D.
I wouldn’t have made it through the first months of my son’s life without this book! This is a definite must have for any new (or experienced) parent! It is meant more as a reference guide than a book you read through cover to cover. It breaks up sleep patterns by stage from birth through adolescence. Not only that, but it gives the parents options for sleep systems based on the needs of their child, rather than promoting only one system for sleep. This book also has special sections on working with the fussy or colicky baby. I seriously cannot say enough good things about this book!

Taking Care of the Me in Mommy by Lisa Whelchel
When I first received this book, I thought it would be too much of a “churchy” motherhood book; however, I was pleasantly surprised with it! The whole premise of the book is that you must take care of yourself to be able to take care of your family well. Not only was this book refreshing to my soul, it was highly practical for my current “mommy” stage of life.

Gospel-Centered Family by Ed Moll and Tim Chester
I am currently reading this book and it is communicating well the all the piecemeal ideas I’ve had in my mind about “Gospel” parenting. This book gives concise, clear insights into how to build a Gospel-centered family. It’s less than 100 pages, and it’s easy to read. I highly recommend this one!

Poverty Alleviation:

When Helping Hurts by Steve Corbett and Brian Fikkert
If you want your view of poverty and your role in it to be taken beyond simple acts of generosity, this book will broaden your understanding! It has challenged me to understand how broken the world really is and how skewed my perspective of poverty alleviation actually is. It is clear in Scripture that Jesus cared greatly about the poor and oppressed, so it would make sense (as a follower of His) to learn about how to care about the poor and oppressed, too!

Under the Overpass by Mike Yankonski
For a narrative look at homelessness in America, I recommend Yankonski’s book. He took five months out of his life to just live on the streets. He was under no false idea that he was doing anything special to help the homeless; rather, he simply wanted to understand homelessness better. His story brings out the humanity of the homeless population that we so quickly overlook!

It's a...

2011-05-11T08:23:00.000-07:00

…mystery…still. After four ultrasounds we still cannot conclusively say what gender this baby inside of me is! I do not handle unknowns well. The unknown means I cannot plan and prepare. I need to plan and prepare. Right? Or is that I need to learn to be patient.

It dawned on me this morning as I was reflecting on my impatience that I need to not miss the moment in search of the answers. I so often want to know the answers, want to know where I’m heading, want to know the final decision, the endpoint, the conclusion. There is so much adventure on the way to those things, though. And I can easily miss it. I want to be characterized by living in and appreciating the moment, not just waiting for the result.

This is about more than just finding out the gender of this baby. This is a pattern throughout life. I just want to get through college so I can do the job I was made to do, when I should live fully in the college years, enjoying friends and freedom. I just want to know who I am going to marry, rather than enjoying singleness and the mystery of possible romance. We all have these milestones we are straining to get towards, and often in our straining, we miss the moment we are in. When I find myself straining toward the next milestone, I often make a decided effort to refocus on the gifts of the present, living fully in the given reality.

Last night was our fourth attempt at trying to found out what this baby is. My husband and I were on a date and he suggested running by the clinic and just checking one more time (my OB had tried on Monday and couldn’t say one way or the other…after my husband had tried two other times a couple weeks earlier). And while we still couldn’t find out whether this baby is a boy or a girl, what we did get to see was the baby itself. I could see all the fingers up by its face. I could see the legs and arms. I could see the spine. I love seeing the spine…it’s important. I could see the heart beating. And best of all, I could see my baby moving. This little guy or gal is a mover! It was as though the baby was running in place! This little person rolled and stretched and ran and reached.

Being too focused on the “answer” to my question right now would cause me to miss the miracle of the moment. There is a baby inside me. Running and growing and living.

My OB will try again in two weeks. Until then, I am reminded to be in this moment, not missing a second of all the miracles God is doing in my life every single day. A baby moving inside me. A baby crawling and playing and babbling outside of me. A husband who loves me. A home. Time to think and write and pray. These are all miracles worth recognizing and appreciating!

Woman-ish

2011-05-09T08:26:00.000-07:00

About a month ago, my husband got me a hotel room all to myself for a night. I love my alone time; so, this was one of the best gifts he could ever give me. I saw it as a personal retreat, of sorts. I packed up my computer, my journal, a writing project, two books, my iPod, and my comfy pants. It was so incredible to be able to be still without any possible interruptions. I had time to deeply connect with God. I sensed Him showing me that there is a transition that still needs to happen in my heart.

This transition that God was revealing was simply that I need to “own” the role of wife and mom. In my mind, I have been so afraid of finding my identity in the wrong thing that I have been very purposeful in understanding that my core identity is not “wife” and “mom” but “follower of Jesus.” What God was showing me, though, was that while “wife” and “mom” are not meant to be my identity, I am meant to embrace those roles as part of who I am.

I certainly hadn’t been shirking my duties as wife and mom; however, I really hadn’t fully transitioned into “owning” those roles, incorporating them into who I am. Recently, I have felt life in me as I have embraced these roles more. There is this realization that as wife and mom, I am creating a home for my family. For my husband and my son, I largely set the tone of our home. When I do not bring life to our home and our family because I am afraid of focusing wrongly, instead of living freely, I sell them short.

Part of “owning” these roles for me has been “taking dominion” over our home. It started with having my husband help me rearrange our bedroom and the babies’ room. It has spread to reorganizing and decluttering closets and bathrooms and the kitchen. I am even enjoying a little decorating (framed some pictures, looking for a wall decal, etc.). My love of sewing is being renewed and I am rediscovering that I am free to enjoy these “woman-ish” things. I am realizing that as I enjoy making our home a home, I bring a peace and a life to my family that I am designed to bring to them. My “home making” won’t look like everyone else, but will be unique to my gifts and abilities: I love to organize, scrapbook, keep things clean, keep cooking simple, and have a home full of peace (minimizing visual chaos...or clutter). I also love to have fun, listen to music, eat treats, and watch movies. The way my home feels is meant to be an overflow of who God created me to be.

Where I still feel bound sometimes is in the fear of crossing the line into idolatrous womanhood. I fear taking on that broken version of womanhood where my only goal would be to look good, make my home look good, spend my husband’s money, love things, and have children who act right (regardless of what’s going on in their hearts). My fear of crossing this line has in many ways held me back from embracing my newly found “woman-ish” roles of wife and mom. A restored view of womanhood is one of beauty and creativity, bringing my husband good, and training and guiding my children’s hearts. There is freedom here because to do these things, my soul must be connected to the Giver of life. As I am connected to Him, I am free to embrace my roles as wife and mom, seeing that putting my gifts and abilities to use is a way of worshipping Him and expressing His presence in our home and life. I so want to live my life for God, but it is a lie to believe that if I withhold myself in the areas of being a wife and mom, then I’ll somehow be more godly. The truth is that God intended for me to be the wife and mom to this family. With these roles, as with any other area of my life, I am meant to reflect Him…His goodness, His life, His love, His creativity, His love of beauty, His peace, His joy, and His consistency. To withhold myself or my giftings from my home and/or my family is to withhold an avenue of worship and a reflection of God.

Slowly, I am becoming more confident and more comfortable in the “woman-ish” things that go along with being a wife and a mom. I understand that I do not need to adopt “woman-ish” things that don’t fit with who I am; however, I am learning to be free as the woman God designed me to be.

Three Lessons

2011-05-06T08:07:00.000-07:00

My mom taught me all kinds of things, from how to read to how to sew to how to live happily. There are three lessons that she taught me by her own example that I am especially grateful for today. These are lessons worth learning for anyone, but I also want to share as a way of thanking my mom and letting her know some of the impact she has had on my life. (Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!)

By watching her life, I learned that it is vital to stand strong in your convictions, even when they are unpopular or disapproved of. The part of this lesson that is especially important at this stage of my life is standing strong in my convictions as a wife and a mom. Growing up, I watched my mom make choices that didn’t always make sense with mainstream society, let alone her childhood family or her peers. She chose to stay home, to home school her kids, to set up new habits and traditions for her own family (different from her childhood family), and to follow Jesus. She did not allow the opinions of others drive how she raised her family; rather, she listened to the convictions God placed on her heart and walked those out, seeking to do what she believed was right and best. This has been a lesson for me as I have become a wife and a mom. From my mom, I have learned to listen to God, to consider what I truly believe is right and best, and then to follow through on those convictions even when they are not mainstream. This brings a freedom to having a “new” kind of family, sticking to the things I see are most important for my family.

By watching her life, I learned that mentoring and discipleship are not limited to serious Bible studies, but walking out life with others by being real, having fun, and sharing the insights that God reveals. I have watched my mom open her home and her heart to many people, especially many of my friends. Our home was a place where we could bring our friends over. As I grew up, our home became more than just a place to bring people to hang out, it became a place where I could bring my friends so they could ask my mom for insight or thoughts on life situations. I have watched my mom open her heart to many of my friends offering support and guidance. Observing her, I also learned that godliness and wisdom do not have to be at the expense of being down to earth and fun; she has a gift for being insightful, real, and genuinely happy. This is something I aspire to be and am grateful for the years of watching her live out this unique kind of life hospitality.

By watching her life, I learned that knowing and loving Jesus is the most important thing I could do with my life. Even as a little girl, I knew that if she was praying in the early morning, I could sit with her, but that I had to be quite, because she was spending time with God. I learned a respect for the importance of her relationship with God. This brought to me a desire to know and experience God as deeply as she did. I am grateful for the life with which she experienced walking with Jesus. This is the most valuable lesson that I ever learned from her: knowing and following Jesus is the best thing you can give your life to, because in the end, it’s the only thing that really matters.

Thanks, Mom, for living out these lessons in your own life so that I could absorb them into mine!

Sacrifice vs. Suffering

2011-05-02T08:10:00.000-07:00

I think we’ve got it all wrong when we believe that if we force ourselves into a little more suffering, then we’ll be close to God. Over the last few months, I’ve heard this idea taught at more than one Christian event and I honestly believe it’s anti-Gospel! So, I just want to set the record straight.

At one retreat, I heard the speaker say that his son needed a little more suffering in his life, ultimately so his son could grasp what really mattered, as though this father was hoping for his son to suffer. At another retreat, I heard someone share that she felt impressed to pursue the very last things that she would ever want to do, the things that she despised so that she could be close to Jesus. I have, of course, ranted to my husband about these incorrect teachings, but only in the last few days has it begun to sink in why these teachings sound like nails on a chalkboard to my soul.

The truth of the Gospel is that no human being can work himself or herself into relationship with God. There is nothing you, nor I, can do to reach to God on our own. Our works and are efforts to become pleasing to God on our own are detestable (Isaiah 64:6). When we follow Jesus, He makes us pleasing to God. It is through the rescue and restorative work of Jesus that we are acceptable to God. It is not through anything we do that we become acceptable to God.

So when we think that if we just force ourselves into a bit more suffering in order to get to God, we are completely backward in our thinking. Jesus already suffered so that we could be connected to God. Purposefully creating suffering does not get me closer to God. Thinking that if I just make myself miserable, then I’ll know God better is anti-Gospel. My efforts to get close to God without His help get me nowhere.

The truth is that suffering and struggle are already the reality. Struggle is part of the human experience because we live in a world that is broken due to sin (Genesis 3, Romans 8:20-23). Beyond that, God said that if we follow Him there will be suffering. If you follow Jesus, you will probably experience some kind of suffering at some point (John 15:20, 1 Peter 5:8-11). The truth is that we are going to struggle in life. But creating suffering in your life just for suffering sake or trying to use it as a catalyst to attain to God is not what God is talking about.

The example that we do see, though, is Jesus’ life of willing sacrifice. Jesus talks about us giving up all kinds of things as a response to the reality and grace of God. If you have given your life to following Jesus, you have a freedom to give up (or sacrifice) all kinds of things because you know that those things are not ultimate. The only thing that is ultimate is knowing and following Jesus. If I have given my life to following Him, then I know that I am connected to God, that my eternity is secure, and that my life on earth is His. Because of these greater realities, I am free to sacrifice. I am free to give my time, energy, money, gifts, abilities, intelligence, and creativity because my agenda, my plans, my life are no longer ultimate…Christ is.

Sacrifice is not easy, but there is a freedom in it when it is done in response to Jesus’ rescue of you. I have watch friends sacrifice all kinds of things because they understand that God loves them, they have a role to play in His work on earth, and that they are free to give things up now because the they already have security in the things that ultimately matter. One friend of mine volunteered at a church for an extended period of time, living on a smaller income because she knew she could give up money for the sake of furthering God’s work. Another friend and her husband are active in foster care, opening their home and their hearts, because they know that they can sacrifice what others might perceive as “the perfect family” in order to share God’s love with children who need a family. I have another friend who gave up her career so she could stay home with her four children, knowing that she could sacrifice “success” and the opinions of others so that she could devote herself to shepherding her children in following Jesus. And yet another friend took drastic steps in her life to deal with God deeply in her soul so that she could be healed from major hurts; she did this because she knew that she could sacrifice looking like she had it together for the sake of becoming whole through Jesus, so that she could love God and love people more fully.

Willing sacrifice is a doctrine of response. Self-imposed suffering is a religious work. A doctrine of response is simply the idea that I respond to God’s love and rescue of me. Because He gave His Son to bring me back to Him, I respond to this love. In response to God’s love, I give of myself to God, to His work on earth, to the people He created. Because He loved me, I am able to love (1 John 4:19). Trying to suffer so that I can get close to God is simply trying to earn my way to God. It is a religious act that does nothing other than makes me miserable. God is about rescue, redemption, reconciliation, and restoration; He is not about religion. Any method of trying to attain to God, other than receiving Gospel grace, is simply religion. All my religious acts mean nothing if they are not done out of love in response to God’s love for me (1 Corinthians 13:1-3).

So, why do you do what you do? Because you are trying to earn God’s approval? Because you are so completely consumed with Christ that you cannot help but respond? Stop. Think. Pray. If you are trying to earn God’s approval, you may want to stop and re-center yourself on Jesus, preach the Gospel to yourself again, and ask to be overwhelmed again by God’s rescue of you. Only from that place will you find the incredible desire to willingly sacrifice.

The Nino

2011-04-29T08:56:00.000-07:00

One year ago, you were born…six pounds, eleven ounces with more blonde hair than I’ve ever seen on any newborn! You will not even be able to read this for a few years to come; however, I want you to know how much you’ve impacted my life and what a gift you are.

You are the one with whom I learned to be a mom. I will be the mom of any other brothers and sisters you have; however, it is with you I became a mom. By becoming your mom, I have become a stronger, fuller, more patient person. I have begun to trust God more as I release you to Him every day, trusting Him to protect you and care for you as I realize that I will not be able to protect and care for you every single moment of your life. You and I have bonded in a way that I never would have imagined. I had no idea how connected you and I would become. I enjoy who you are as a person and I love getting to know you more and more every day.

You are your own person for sure! You have a tender heart. When you were younger, you cried when anyone else around you cried. For a while, you were very timid around new people, checking to make sure that Dad or I were nearby. You are becoming braver now, calling to strangers around you in the store or at the park, enticing them to interact with you. You have a great sense of humor. You like your alone time. One time, after an especially “social” day, you played at your bookshelf for a full twenty-five minutes…alone… as a nine month old. You still love to play by yourself and need your “alone time.” You don’t hold onto me when I carry you around…you just leave your arms hanging at the side. This seems to be your general approach to life: you’re along for the ride and happy to be here. You love to go out. Restaurants are some of your favorite places to be! You are growing like a champ! You also have incredible visual-spatial understanding and amazing fine motor skills. You try to figure out how things work. You have expanded your world now as you have learned to crawl, pull up on furniture, and have begun to cruise. You are starting to communicate. It is such a thrill to interact with you! When I say, “I love you,” you often repeat babbles back in the same vocal pattern telling me you love me too. You have learned to shake your head to refuse something you do not want. You have also learned to shake your head when you do something you are not allowed to do. Your desire to please and do the right thing is something I appreciate, but I am also cautious of so that you do not feel pressure to “people please,” but rather feel freedom to be who you are. You are happy when you wake up, talking and playing quietly in your crib for a while before I get you. You love to play chase. You will invite me to play by crawling away from me, turning around to look at me and laugh, and then crawl a bit more until I come after you. You have started showing an incredible desire to be with your dad. As soon as he walks in the door, you light up! You love him so much (and he loves you so much, too)! He calls you, “The Nino.” You are the best surprise present we ever got! You add a fullness to our life that we could not even have imagined.

I so delight in you!

Happy First Birthday, Handsome!

Porcelain, Part 2

2011-04-22T13:26:00.000-07:00

To continue thoughts from the earlier post, “Porcelain, part 1,” we’ll look at a crucial husband/wife reality (if you’re single, don’t close out the screen just yet…this will be important for you, too!). This whole post will build off this one verse:

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7

Men, you’re first (ladies, I’ll get to you). This is serious stuff. If you are a husband, you are called to live in a way that shows that you understand your wife and that you “get” that she is beautiful, treasured, fragile, and to be handled with care (“weaker vessel”). The reason for this is so that your prayers will not be hindered. Ultimately, this verse is saying that if you do not live with your wife in a way where you seek to understand her and then put what you understand about her to practice in your life, you’re prayers might actually get thwarted!

Most men feel like women are impossible to understand. In fact, I don’t even understand some women! The call is not for “men” to understand “women,” but each man is called to understand his wife. Single guys, you’re not off the hook just because you’re not married. Most likely you will get married, so this is a vital time to learn how to understand people in general (your mom, your brother, your friends…I would steer clear from emotionally intimate relationships with most women, unless the relationship is with a woman you are straightforwardly pursuing for marriage). How do you understand a woman? Listen to her. Absorb what she is saying. Mirror back to her what you hear her saying (i.e. “What I hear you saying is: __________.” Is that what you’re saying, or am I still not quite getting it?”). Check for understanding. (More on this in the post, “Understanding vs. Agreeing.”)

As the husband grows in understanding his wife, he is called to show her honor by taking special care of his beautiful and sometimes fragile equal. The point is being made in the verse above that even though the wife may be more fragile and need to be handled with care, she is the husbands equal in standing before God. When a husband doesn’t seek to understand his wife, when he doesn’t take efforts to put what he understands about her into practice in their life, his prayer life could be affected. The opposite also rings true…that if the husband does live as a result of what he understands about his wife (making life choices that are in line with the reality of who she is and what her personal fragility entails), then his prayer life should be full, free, and vibrant. I watch this with my husband…every time he makes choices and decisions to understand me, to care for me in my areas of weakness, his spiritual life increases.

Guys, this is more than just listening. This is more than even understanding. This is about making choices in your life that show that you understand her. This is about you “living in an understanding way” with your wife. Don’t just try to understand her, but take it to the fullest level by putting what you understand about her into practice. This takes studying your wife! You have to learn her. If you’re not sure what to do with what you learn about her, ask her. It’s okay to ask her, “When you say ___________, how does that look in our life?” Ask for specifics on the things she shares. Explain to her that you want more than just to understand her, but that you want to live with her in an understanding way.

Your turn, ladies. Give your husband a chance to understand you! Put aside immature tendencies to shut down emotionally or assume he should just read your mind or act in a passive aggressive manner; rather, communicate and share your heart (even if it feels like a risk) so that he can have the chance to understand you. Single ladies, it’s time to start learning how to communicate in an honest, real way. Stop communicating in emotionally manipulative ways. Work on becoming a mature communicator. Single ladies, you can practice your healthy communication on your mom, your sister, your friends. Watch for areas in these relationships where you have emotionally immature communication tendencies and start working towards healthy communication.

In order to actually communicate well, ladies, you are going to have to start understanding what is going on inside of you. Be honest with yourself about what goes on at your core. A friend of mine wrote an excellent post on knowing yourself. Read it. Reflect for a minute. What are your greatest needs from your husband? Make a list of your top three. Also, take a minute right now to reflect on your own personal weaknesses. Where do you need to be treasured and handled with care? For your husband’s prayers to be effective, he needs to have the opportunity to understand you. And since he is leading your family, you probably want his prayers to work, right? Give the guy a chance to “get” you.

Porcelain, part 1

2011-04-19T13:27:00.000-07:00

The truth is I never really like the phrase “weaker vessel” (found in Scripture to describe how men are to treat their wives: treat your wife as the weaker vessel, 1 Peter 3:7). I actually resented being called the “weaker vessel.” My parents raised my sisters and I to be strong, independent women, not void of our feminity in any way, but able to think for ourselves and take care of ourselves. While I’ve experienced struggle and disappointment in the areas of career, ministry, and romance, I have not experienced much personal weakness until this stage of my life.

I just shared in my last post (“North, part 2”) the reality of my weakness while I am pregnant and when I have a new baby at home. I am not as strong when my body and emotions are out of whack. Because of these weaknesses, my husband has recently had to make some hard choices to lay down his life for me, love me, serve me, and take care of me as his wife.

For the first time, I understand what the Scripture was talking about when it referred to women as “the weaker vessel.” I never really felt weak before…not like this. It makes sense to me now, though, in my current season of weakness. The “weaker vessel” term does not mean “lesser” or “worthless” or “bad” (which was what I felt like that term was implying). What it means (as I’ve heard a few pastors explain) is “like a porcelain vase.” What comes to mind when you think of a porcelain vase? My perception of a porcelain vase is that it is beautiful, treasured, fragile, and to be handled with care. I believe that’s what the Scripture is talking about when it tells the husband to show “honor to the woman as the weaker vessel.” The husband is meant to give honor to his wife because she is a beautiful and fragile creation. Every part of her is to be handled with care. For the first time in my life, I am totally comfortable “owning” that reality. Because it is my reality. It is very evident that I am “weaker” right now. It is very evident that I need my husband to handle me (and our life) with special care.

The issue is not whether or not you will ever be weak; rather, the issue is finding out what your own areas of weakness are. They may not even fully surface until you enter a certain life stage. As human beings, though, we are imperfect and will not reach perfection in and of ourselves. As women, there is a porcelain reality to our existence. It does not in any way imply that we are lesser or invaluable; however, there is something about each of us as women that requires us to be handled with special care by our husbands (or future husbands). Knowing yourself and understanding your weaknesses or your “porcelain” tendencies and then sharing these things with your husband will give him a better chance of walking out his calling in regards to your “weaker vessel” reality (more about that in the next post). Take a minute and reflect on where you are weak. Consider the areas in your life, heart, and personhood that need special care.

For me, becoming a mom has completely rocked my world. Not only is there the physical/emotional weakness of pregnancy and the post-partum season, but there is an incredible sense of the unknown and my own inabilities. I do not know how to do everything for my son. I do not know what he needs all the time. (I know some people say that as soon as they had their first baby, they just “knew” what to do; however, that magic little switch didn’t get flipped for me.) I have no idea when he’ll get sick or when he’ll be teething or that he’d refuse to go to anyone but me or my husband for over four months. Beyond the unknown, there is an incredible recognition of my inability to control his world and always protect him. I quickly accepted this right after he was born, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to protect him from everything. I began daily releasing him to God. Actively trusting God with my son has brought a new level of faith that I had not yet experienced. There is an understanding of how small I actually am in this world. That I cannot make my son’s world perfect, that there will be things outside of my control that will affect his life. So I continually release him to God, knowing that God is the protector, provider, and sustainer of all things.

The combination of physical weakness and emotional weakness during pregnancy and after my son was born along with the reality of the unknown of parenting and the inability to control all things has rocked me unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I have never felt so weak overall as a person as I did during the late pregnancy/early baby months. Being pregnant again, I am again confronted with my weakness. This time I am walking in the reality of it instead of panicking at the first glimpse of my personal weakness. I am sharing with my husband where I am weak and where I need him to “handle with care.”

The rest of the truth about weakness can be found in this verse (about Paul asking God to take away a particular struggle):

But he [God] said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 (parentheses are added)

As I walk out the reality of my own weakness, God’s truth is that His power is perfected and evident in my weakness. It would make sense that when I am weak, I no longer am able to depend on myself fully and God is able to be present in those areas. As I accept my physical and emotional weaknesses during pregnancy, God’s power is able to be displayed in my life. When I recognize that I need His help as a mom, His presence is made evident in my life. As I face the unknowns of parenting and my inability to control all things, I have the opportunity to be connected to the One who knows all things and is able to handle all situations. God gets to show Himself as active in my life.

If you know where your weaknesses are today, take a moment to ask God to display Himself in those areas. Ask Him for His power to be released in those areas of weakness. Ask Him for wisdom and insight into your “porcelain” areas.

The next post will have thoughts on sharing these “porcelain” areas with your husband.

North, Part 2 (a.k.a. "Oneness")

2011-04-15T07:56:00.000-07:00

Last week there was a shift in our marriage that was almost tangible. The move north has sparked that shift. I shared that my husband and I were considering a move to the north part of the city in my post, “North, Part 1.”

Around the time of that post, we had found a house to rent (which required some money and work to make it a place that I would feel good about letting my babies crawl around in) but decided against it (due to sinking our money into something that wasn’t “ours”). Then we found a house to buy. The whole time we have been in the process of looking for a house in the north part of the city, my prayer was that God would make it so smooth that we would just know it was Him doing it, providing a house for us. This house turned out to be a great deal. It would need some work, but at least we’d be putting our money in it as an investment. So, we proceeded to take all the steps to purchase it. Because it was a foreclosure, we just had to put a bid in and twenty four hours later, we’d find out if the house was ours or not. Everything seemed smooth enough.

In regards to this move, I had made the choice to trust my husband. Even though I had not felt a clear direction from God to move, I do know that I am called to follow and trust my husband. I have not trusted him well in the past, but I want to continue to grow in trusting him. This move north was a way to follow and trust him, showing that I support him even when the decision may not be certain to me. My husband has such a passion to serve the underserved and overlooked. Moving to the north part of the city would allow him/us to be in closer proximity to those he desires to serve.

We didn’t hear anything on the house for days. In fact, we still hadn’t heard anything the next week when my husband went on a trip he had planned. It was while we were apart that we finally heard about the house. My husband called to tell me that the bid never actually got sent in and did we just want to go ahead and resend it that morning. I was shocked by my response, but I really feel it was God’s way of revealing to me what was truly going on inside of me. I just started crying. I just felt overwhelming sadness. I realized that as the days had passed and we hadn’t heard about the house, I started to consider that maybe we wouldn’t be moving. I started to imagine what it would be like to stay in our apartment. On the phone that morning I felt such huge disappointment at even the possibility that we might still get the house. I tried to express this all to my husband in a way that he would understand, sharing with him again my desire to not make any major transitions during this pregnancy (or immediately after) hoping to bypass the extent of emotional struggle I had with my first pregnancy/post-partum season. I shared that I realized just then how much I did not want the house, since I was actually disappointed that we might still get the house if we put the bid in.

We didn’t get to talk much more that day. My husband was at an A29 conference at Living Stones all day. I totally see this day apart as divinely appointed by God. I was so incredibly emotional that day. I couldn’t shake the sadness. I felt frustrated, hurt, disappointed, and confused. All I knew to do that day was pray and ask God to lead us, expressing the extent of my emotion to Him. What I didn’t know was that while we were apart that day, God was also speaking to my husband.

Since we got married, we have struggled with living out the concept of “oneness” (the whole “be united” concept in Genesis 2:24). It is a challenging thing to become one with another person, especially when each of you is strong, passionate, intelligent, and independent. My husband and I make considerable efforts at being together with the other person, desiring to be supportive of each other, trusting and believing in one another. But that feeling of “oneness” has not been automatic; rather, it has been a learning and growing process for us.

The next morning, my husband called and told me that we would not be putting a bid on the house. He apologized for not listening to and understanding me well. He understood that I had been very open about my need for a year without transitions while I am pregnant and when we bring this new baby home. A peace settled over me as he talked. I also felt deep gratefulness that my husband understands his call to lay his life down for his wife (Ephesians 5:25). He expressed that he does not want us to move forward on any decision until we are together in pursuing a decision. He wants more than me just being willing to follow him, he wants to know that I am fully “in.” It is true that I am called to follow him. It is true that I am growing in trusting him. It is also true that we need to be together. And as my husband said, God is not in a hurry. God can align our hearts in the things we are called to do.

So, we will be staying in our apartment…at least for the next year. And we will be investing in the north part of the city. The two are not mutually exclusive. We can minimize our family transitions (in hopes of a more peaceful “new baby” season), while also investing in the north part of the city. I realized how purposeful God was in not letting the bid go through. And how purposeful He was in exposing what I was truly feeling. I see that God was using my husband’s time away to speak to him. I see God weaving us together, making us more and more one.

There has been a renewal of life in our marriage this last week. There is a new feeling of oneness. We began talking about all sorts of possibilities for life that we had never before seriously talked about. We began to see how aligned our hearts and hopes and dreams really are. This is what “oneness” should feel like. Not that it will always be exciting or fairy-tale-ish, but we will be together. We will be at peace. We will be one. This is what we are learning.

End Note: This is actually very vulnerable for me to share. What I am ultimately sharing with you is that I am not super woman. So often, I have this false idea that I shouldn’t struggle. This lie creeps in that if I struggle or if I am weak, I am a failure. I would like to think that I could do everything and be amazing all the time. I’d like to think that I could just push through and move into the north and not let the transition affect me at all. The truth is that I am just not that amazing. I have limitations and weaknesses. It is humbling to share that my weaknesses have meant that my husband had to adjust his pursuit of this passion (to care for the underserved) in order to take care of me. I thought to myself, “What will people think when I share that I was not truly in a place where I felt capable of moving into the north part of the city? I will look so weak.” The truth is I am weak. I am exposed in sharing that I needed my husband to serve me in this way, to keep our life still and peaceful this year. In my weakness, my husband has the opportunity to care for me. It feels so vulnerable to allow him to care for me. But this is what I am learning to do. We are growing together as I do. Rather than putting on a façade of having it all together, this is my space to share with you the journey of my soul learning to trust God and to trust my husband, depending on both as I am weak.

Tips and Tricks ("Health-ier Eating")

2011-04-12T13:33:00.000-07:00

I am in no way a health food fanatic (just ask my husband or my little sister and brother!). However, I have picked up a few “tricks” along the way that have helped me be a “healthier” eater. These are realistic tips, not diet fads or “crazy health plans.” Just wanted to share a few things that have helped be healthier (and if I can remember where I learned them, I will give credit to the source).

* Eat when you’re hungry, stop when you’re full. Seriously. Even though we’ve been taught to “clear our plates,” it really is better to leave a little food on your plate when you’re full than to stuff it in.

* Moderation is the key. If you never let yourself have a sweet treat or yummy indulgence, when you actually do break down and have that treat, you’ll most likely eat more of it than is reasonable because you’re so desperate for it. Rather, make a plan for when you get to have treats. For us, Saturdays and Date Nights are our “food free times”: we eat popcorn or candy with the movie, we order what we want at the restaurant, we get hot dogs at Sam’s Club, we eat sausage sandwiches with chips, or we grab donuts. If we know that we are going to get to indulge sometime, we are not as desperate for that treat and we don’t eat as much of it when we actually do get it.

* When you go out, eat half of the meal (then save the other half for lunch tomorrow). Restaurant portions are usually larger than necessary. Plus, this one saves money! (I picked this up from a friend who went to “Weigh Down.”)

* Don’t bring anything into the house that you don’t think you should be eating. If you have it in the house, most likely you’ll eat it. For example, if you feel like you want to cut down on drinking soda, don’t buy it. If it’s not there, you won’t drink it. If it is there, you’ll probably drink it. Don’t just buy Easter candy because it’s on sale. You’ll probably eat all of it if you bring it home with you. Make conscious choices about what you bring into the house. For me, I LOVE Sour Cream and Cheddar Ruffles! Rather than buy a big bag of them when I go grocery shopping, if I really want them, I get the small “snack” size. If I buy the full bag, I know I’ll eat it all, let’s just be honest. The small snack size satisfies that craving without me eating a whole big bag. (My mom taught me this concept.)

* Keep it handy. Most of us need to drink more water than we do; however, it just never seems convenient to drink water. So, keep it handy. When I taught first grade, I just kept a bottle of water on my desk and literally carried it around the room with me as I taught. I drank a ton of water that way. Now, I keep a glass of water out on the kitchen counter and sip on it all day. I am surprised at how many times I actually have to refill my glass…I’m not really “trying” to drink more water…it just happens. Drink water with meals instead of juice or soda. Try ordering just water at restaurants, unless you really, really want a soda and make a conscious choice to have one. (I learned this from watching my lead teachers when I was student teaching. They always had water out on their desk and rarely drank sodas.)

* Don’t let yourself get so hungry that you pig out on your next meal. Rather, eat a healthy snack (apples, grapes, carrots, whole grain crackers, even a few tortilla chips) to curb that voracious hunger so you can eat a more moderate amount at mealtime. (I’ve learned this from watching my husband who, because he’s so tall, needs regular snacks so that he eats more moderate meals.)

* Fruits and vegetables. I must confess that this is where I am weakest! I really didn’t eat many fruits and veggies before I got married. It wasn’t so much because I didn’t like them; rather, I just felt I didn’t have time to incorporate them into my life. My husband is always “longing” for fruits and veggies. So, I make a conscious choice to add them into our meals. And it really isn’t as hard as I used to think. A quick salad can go with any meal (just consider what you’re putting into it…nuts, salad dressing, or cheese can turn your healthy vegetables into something very fattening). You can try simple things as quick snacks: bell pepper strips and hummus, apples, bananas, carrots, grapes, berries. Try topping base foods with veggies: baked potato with peppers and broccoli or polenta with avocado and tomato and basil. Also, look for recipes that incorporate many vegetables. (Thanks to my husband for introducing me to the importance of vegetables!)

* Limit meat and animal by-products. Make an effort to limit the number of meals you make in a week that require meat. Try to limit animal by-products (i.e. cheese, eggs, sour cream, etc…anything that comes from an animal). I don’t remember the exact research on this, but plant based, whole (meaning not processed) foods are so good for your body, helping repair it! (I’ve learned a lot about this from my sister and from a documentary I watched last summer at one of my husband’s residency’s retreats.)

* Don’t try fad diets, make lifestyle changes. Most fad diets are not “doable” for a normal life. If you want to cut something out of your diet, make a lifestyle change. I’ve watched women try fad diets only to gain all the weight back as soon as they stopped strictly adhering to the diet. Don’t do it. Find ways to have a healthier eating lifestyle.

And remember that these are just ideas and suggestions, not strict rules. Do what works for you and your lifestyle. The goal is “health-ier” eating.

Dynamic Words

2011-04-08T13:07:00.000-07:00

Dynamic sermons have a way of challenging my spirit and transforming my soul unlike anything else. Having truth spoken to me and evaluating my life in light of that truth is so refreshing for me. Listening to sermons (outside of church) has been a vital part of my spiritual growth throughout the last four or five years. Before I was married, I listened to them when I drove to and from work or when I went for hour long walks. Now, I will turn one on while I am doing morning chores or will stick it in the car CD player as I run around doing errands. Solid sermons stir my soul.

Because of the impact these words of truth have had on my life, I want to take a moment to share with you my all-time favorite sermons. They can be found on as podcasts on iTunes. I will share links from each church’s website. From their website, there should be an icon to click on which will take you directly to their podcast. Or you can search around on iTunes on your own, if you prefer.

The following sermons are ones which had such a profound and lasting impact on my life that I can still tell you the main point of each of them and how it has impacted my life. These are not “nice” sermons that you will be able to just flit past; rather, these are sermons that will profoundly transform you (if you let them). I encourage you to take time over the next few weeks to step up your spiritual development by downloading and listening to these sermons, asking God to speak directly to you through them. You don’t even have to sit down and listen as though you were sitting in a church service; rather, make an effort to have them playing when you would be listening to music on your iPod or watching TV.

Living Stones Church, Lead Pastor: Harvey Turner

4.29.07 Luke – Series 02: The Revolution, Part 4: “Posture”
(10.6.06 “Collision,” this one is actually not on their podcast; however, I am hoping that it will soon show up on their “archive” podcast. Until then, I have a copy that I would be willing to mail to you, if you will mail it back to me, in case someone else wants to listen to it, too.)

Mars Hill Church, Lead Pastor: Mark Driscoll

6.16.08 Worship: God Transforms

The Village Church, Lead Pastor: Matt Chandler

5.18.08 Luke – Part 17: “Conviction of the Unseen”
5.25.08 Luke – Part 18: “Hope in Real Life”
6.1.08 Luke – Part 19: “From Childish to Childlike”

If you would like to start listening straight through a series, one of my all time favorite series is the “Peasant Princess” series (it includes straightforward teaching on manhood, womanhood, singleness, dating, and marriage as Driscoll works through Song of Solomon):

“The Peasant Princess” Sermons Series, by Mark Driscoll, Mars Hill Church, Fall 2008

Another sermon series that truly changed my life, explained the Gospel in a way I had never before understood, and challenged me to live with Jesus at the center of everything is:

“Christ-o-Centric” Sermon Series, by Harvey Turner, Living Stones Church, early 2006 (this one is not found on their podcast, however, I am hoping this, too, will soon be on their “archive” podcast.)

My other “top” sermon series are:

“Beyond the Sun” Sermon Series, by Matt Chandler, The Village Church, late 2006
“Hebrews” Sermon Series, by Matt Chandler, The Village Church, early 2006

...like finding out Santa Claus isn't real.

2011-04-05T13:11:00.000-07:00

While I was in college, I worked for a church as the director of small groups and children’s ministries. For me this was a dream come true, working in formal ministry was what I hoped to do with my life, because I really, really wanted to live my whole life for God. Around the time I finished college, some deeper questions about Jesus, church, ministry, and how we are to live in perspective of these began consuming my heart and mind. I reached a point where I could no longer continue working in formal ministry, because I was struggling so deeply with what it means to follow Jesus and live out His teachings. I just didn’t feel like what I was doing every day was actually that closely tied to what Jesus taught. I couldn’t reconcile what Scripture said and what my job entailed at the church. Thankfully, God was also calling me forward to teach at an elementary school. I really felt God emphasizing that I would be more effective for Him and more able to live out His love for the world by teaching at a public school than I would be if I continued to work in a church setting.

That first year out of the “formal ministry” world, I really wrestled with lots of questions about what the Scripture actually said about Jesus and how we were to live. I also struggled with identity issues. I felt like a failure. I got the (wrong) impression that because I couldn’t make it in formal ministry, I must not love God enough. As I prayed, processed, read Scripture and journalled that year, some things became clearer.

The truth is that following Jesus is about more than working in a church. The truth is that Jesus is concerned with how we live in every aspect of our lives. The truth is that if we look at Scripture, God has given us insight and instruction on how to live the best life possible because He has communicated to us in Scripture about how He set up the world to work. He wants us to be people who put the teachings of Jesus into practice.

And then I read Velvet Elvis (by Rob Bell). For the first time, I felt like someone really understood those deeper wrestlings in me about faith and ministry. There were so many insights in that book that resonated with me…thoughts about becoming the people we were created to be, about putting the teachings of Jesus’ into practice, about restoration. Reading Velvet Elvis was like a breath of fresh air to my soul. Here was someone who understood that following Jesus wasn’t just about attending church or having “successful” ministries. Bell communicated about soul restoration and all of life being spiritual and about everyone being responsible to put the teachings of Jesus into practice (not just those in formal ministry).

For a long time, I used Rob Bell’s materials as a resource. I used his books and his Nooma videos in Bible studies and mentoring relationships. And then Nooma #15, “You,” came out. I watched it with my sister and was only slightly uncomfortable with the video until she said directly what I was hoping to avoid. My sister made it very clear that Bell miscommunicated the Gospel in this video. I so wanted to continue using Bell’s materials. But I couldn’t deny what my sister was pointing out. In this particular Nooma video, Bell repeatedly said, “You are the Gospel.” And this simply isn’t true. It is absolutely Scripturally sound to say, “You are an expression of the Gospel.” Or, “Your life is an example of the Gospel.” Or, “You are meant to live out the Gospel.” But, “You are the Gospel,” is just not true. The Gospel is God’s plan to bring everything back to Himself through Jesus. Plain and simple. Realizing the theological inaccuracy of Rob Bell at that moment was like finding out Santa Claus wasn’t real. Bell’s materials had had such a profound impact on my life that I was so disappointed to discover how faulty his newer material had become.

What I began to see was that no one man is going to get everything right all the time. No person is perfect. Even those who have profound impact on our lives are going to get it wrong sometimes. This is why it is wise to not follow anyone blindly, but to always be attentively listening and to be testing against Scripture what he/she is teaching.

As Rob Bell’s new book (Love Wins) was recently released, the media buzz surrounding him and his teachings has significantly increased. And again I feel that “Santa Claus isn’t real” feeling. His recent interview on MSNBC reveals the uncertainty and cloudiness of his recent teachings. Does this discredit the impact his early material had on my life? Certainly not. God uses imperfect people. The truths that lined up with Scripture in those early materials were meant to impact my life. Regardless of Bell’s current miscommunication of Scripture, there were still elements of truth that God worked through to give me a deeper understanding of Him and His Kingdom. What this means for me now is that I simply cannot use Rob Bell as a reliable source for theological information. I will not be referring to him as I write Bible studies and when I shepherd other women. I am grateful for the deeper questions he asked. And even still he asks valuable questions, I just can’t agree with all of his answers now. His earlier writings challenged me to really know Jesus and put Jesus’ teachings into practice. This challenge remains on my life because it is what God’s challenge has all along.

And if you’re tired of hearing about Rob Bell and Love Wins, Donald Miller’s review will probably put a smile on your face.

Paradigm Shift Conversations

2011-03-30T13:48:00.000-07:00

Paradigm shift conversations are not to be taken lightly. They are to be thought through and prayed about. A paradigm is a worldview. Our worldviews determine how we see ourselves, others, the world, God, and all the relationships in between. So, a paradigm shift is a worldview shift. And a paradigm shift conversation is a chat where you present the need for a worldview shift. Most often, you are presenting a faulty worldview to someone and then casting vision for a restored worldview. These paradigm shift conversations do not just happen between husbands and wives, but also between friends, mentors/mentees, or any two people in a close relationship. They are not conversations that happen often, sometimes only once in most friendships and relationships and maybe only a few more times in marriages. These conversations carry such weight that they require serious consideration before entering into.

For the sake of continuing the conversation from the previous post (“The Art of Leaving”), I will use the example of a wife and a husband having a paradigm shift conversation about the Scriptural truth of “leaving his mother and father and being united to his wife (Genesis 2:24).” However, do not let this example prevent you from seeing this type of conversation as applicable to any type of close relationship. The basic principles of this type of conversation found in the following example can be used in any close relationship.

These are not fights. They are not meant to be approached as fights. You are not the one with all the answers. Rather, you may understand something that you feel your husband does not see. Your heart must be at a place to want to have this type of conversation with him out of a desire for his good. This is not a conversation to have just so you can get what you want or so you can get your way. Rather, your heart must feel compassion and have the perspective that you want to prevent him from destruction and disaster. You must be in a place of wanting to call him forward into a restored paradigm, casting vision for the man you know he was created to be. If that is actually true of your heart, then it may be time to have a paradigm shift conversation.

Approach this conversation when you have uninterrupted time to talk just the two of you. Share with him that something is weighing on your heart that you need to talk about with him. You would begin this conversation with sharing examples of what you see him doing and then sharing what those examples lead you to believe is his paradigm about his role as a husband, his childhood family, or your new family that does not line up with the restored paradigm given in Scripture (“leave and cleave”). From there, you must cast vision for him for what the restored paradigm (“leave and cleave”) would look like. It will be vital to give him specific examples of how to step into the “leaving and cleaving” paradigm. Share with him the places in your life or your family life that would look different if he lived from this restored paradigm.

Rather than berate or nag, your job is to cast vision for him to see the man that he was created to be. He is meant to be the head of your family. He is now the “patriarch” of his own family, separate from his childhood family. He has a responsibility before God to shepherd his own new family. He will answer to God for how he leads, guards, shepherds, and brings life to his new family. A faulty, broken paradigm is one of remaining so tightly interwoven with his childhood family that he struggles with establishing his own family unit. A restored paradigm (according to Scripture) is one where he takes responsibility for his own family and understands that he will answer for how he leads them.

These conversations are not easy. These conversations take an understanding heart by both parties. In these conversations, it is vital to have the person you’re sharing with “mirror” back (or communicate back) to you what he/she thinks you’re saying so that you can know whether or not he/she actually understands what you are communicating. These conversations may take time for the other party to think through, ask questions, and even have more conversations about before an actual paradigm shift will occur. Keep praying, too, before and after these conversations. God (not you) is the one who can change hearts.

If even after prayer and paradigm shift conversations, there is not a change on this issue of “leave and cleave,” it may be helpful to meet with a Biblical counselor or Christian psychologist. It is not a sign of failure to ask for help from a third party; rather, it is a sign of humility and hope…recognizing that you two alone cannot come to a solution on this issue, but want to and are willing to ask for someone else to help you.

Basic Principles of a Paradigm Shift Conversation:

- Identify the faulty worldview and the restored worldview that is affecting the person.

- Pray.

- Check your own heart. The goal of these conversations is to prevent someone from destruction and disaster, not to argue or fight of just get your way.

- Pray.

- In a calm, focused environment, share with the person examples of what you see them doing and (based on those examples) the faulty paradigm you believe he/she is living under.

- Share the restored paradigm. Be specific about what the restored paradigm would look like if it were lived out in that person’s life.

- Be open to answering questions or continuing the conversation on more than one occasion, if that’s what the person desires.

- Pray. (Only God can change people’s hearts, not you)

The Art of Leaving

2011-03-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

Is the guy you want to marry ready to leave his mommy and daddy and stand by you his soon-to-be-wife once you’re married? Or if you’re married, does your husband understand the Scriptural responsibility he has to leave his mom and dad and prioritize you above everything and everyone else with the exception of Jesus? Or is he still bound by his family’s standards, perceptions, paradigms, and relationships in such a way that he is not free to create your own family, prioritize and guard you as his wife, and stand firm in the decisions you both feel are best for your own family?

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Genesis 2:24

Other versions of this verse say, “leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.” “Cleave” and “is united” mean essentially the same thing. It can be especially difficult for a man to walk out the “leaving and cleaving” as he takes on a bride. If you are planning on getting married soon, it is important to have conversations about this before actually getting married. It is important to cast vision for your future husband about his role in protecting and guarding your new small family and the ways you learn to live your life together, sharing with him that you trust him and depend on him as the leader of your new family. Some questions to ask yourself about the guy you’re thinking of marrying include:

- Does he communicate clearly?

- Does he see his family and their individual struggles and brokenness clearly?

- Can he discern the truth of situations, even when there are emotions involved?

- Can he stand firm in his choices, even when they are unpopular with his family?

- Does he hope for restoration within his family through any struggles that arise?

If you are thinking of marrying someone that you feel unsure about the answers to these questions, then I strongly consider some serious conversations together and even bringing a third party in (Biblical counselor or Christian psychologist) before you move further. The answers to these questions will affect you the rest of your life.

The concept of “leaving and cleaving” is a process of establishing one’s own family before the Lord as a separate family unit from all prior family units. Some families handle the transition with ease, while other families hold on so tightly to their perceived “best” ways, views, and prior relationships with one another. This transition of “leaving and cleaving” must happen as a husband and wife begin their family and must continue throughout their life. Each husband and wife creates a new family unit, an intimate circle. Within that intimate circle of two, decisions and ideas for that new family are thought about, discussed, and brought before the Lord to establish the habits, patterns, and choices of that new family. Some husbands and wives may in fact choose to include some habits, traditions, or ideologies of their prior families; however, this is after discussing those things together. Some “prior families” will understand this and support the development of the new intimate circle. Other “prior families” may struggle with this transition. What should be your response to that struggle?

Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. Exodus 20:12

Your responsibility towards your parents, even if they struggle with the transition is to honor them. As you “leave and cleave” you are also “to honor your father and mother.” This does not mean that you must do everything they say, nor does it mean that you have to agree with them on all philosophies about family, finances, faith, marriage, and parenting. What it does mean is that as you go through the process of “leaving and cleaving,” the goal would be that you would do it in a kind, honest, and respectful way. You may still have to speak hard truth or put up strong boundaries, especially if one of your “prior families” struggles with your new family unit and new family ideas. Your responsibility is to speak this truth and set up those boundaries in a way that is honoring.

“Leaving and cleaving” is not meant as a scapegoat for reacting in bitterness towards a dysfunctional “prior family.” Watch to see if the man you’re planning on marrying (or are married to) is quick to react and build bitterness or if he’s quick to speak truth, work through the struggles, and hope for restoration and healing in the relationship with his family. While the family may not always want to restore and may resist the establishing of your own family unit, your response as a new family should always be hope for healing.

Married ladies, if you are already married and you feel that your husband is unable to separate himself from his childhood family in order to guard and protect your new family, then I encourage you first to pray. I cannot emphasize how vital and effective prayer for your husband is. Pray for him to see these issues clearly. Pray for his heart to be changed. Pray for him to be receptive to what you may need to share with him. Pray for yourself to have wisdom and insight and understanding about this process and about your husband.

If after a dedicated time in prayer (weeks or months), things are not changing, then it may be time to have a “paradigm shift conversation” with your husband. I will address “paradigm shift conversations” in the next post. So, for now, just pray.

North, Part 1

2011-03-25T11:05:00.001-07:00

I shared a while back that while we were on our unexpected vacation to our hometown, there were things God was working on in our hearts as far as “next steps” go. My husband has felt a strong pull to be involved with underserved and low income communities for a long time. One of his really good friends had moved into the north part of our city to invest in this low income area. Since my husband’s friend has moved up there, that friend has been mentoring many teenage guys up there, having them over to his house, helping them out with school related issues, walking them through the Bible in a way that is relevant to them, and much more. My husband has had a strong pull to support his friend and invest in these teenage guys, too.

While we were home in February, my husband really felt God leading him/us to move into that neighborhood to be more of a support. My response was not quite so enthusiastic. My biggest fear is not the neighborhood; rather, my biggest fear is my own emotional stability and limitations. I really struggled emotionally during and right after my first pregnancy. Every aspect of my life had changed as I got married and, within weeks after I got married, was pregnant. This made for a rather tumultuous pregnancy and difficult post-partum season. I am pretty sure I cried almost every day the first year of our marriage. Because of this, I have made an effort to keep transitions and major decisions to a minimum during and after this second pregnancy. For the sake of my family and my own heart, I understand my emotional limitations while my body and hormones are being hijacked to make a little human being.

The bottom line truth, though, is that I trust my husband and I trust God. I know that my husband wants what’s best for our whole family. And I know that it is better to risk following God into something that may be a little difficult than to ignore the call and regret the result of unwillingness. I also know that God is bigger than all that I am afraid of. I know that if this is Him, He can provide the right house at the right time. Some days I walk more in this knowledge than other days. I also know that my husband feels such a pull in this direction that he is willing to work with me on anything that will make this transition easier.

I do not have any grand dreams of neighborhood transformation as we pursue moving into this neighborhood in the north. I am very clear in my calling right now: know God, take care of my husband, create life for and train up my kid(s), build friendships with the women in my husband’s medical residency, and serve others in the ways and time the Lord allows. This is all. I am already committed to these areas and really cannot fathom doing more, nor do I feel called to do more. The move would allow us to be more present in the north part of the city. It would allow my husband to really invest in these teenage guys. It is a way for me to support my husband and be present in what he feels called to do.

The exciting part for me is that we would be moving into a house and out of an apartment. We are very content with the set-up in our apartment; however, to live in a house would be such a gift! The neighborhood we are planning on moving into is a historic neighborhood. The houses we have looked at were built between 1910 and 1940. Some of them are really beautiful.

Please pray for us as we make the decision. Details that are yet to be determined: whether to buy or rent (we are dedicated to paying down medical school loans, so we want to be wise with how we spend our money), timing of the move (moving during the second trimester would be ideal, so that our home could be set up and running smoothly before Baby Dos gets here), and overall direction from the Lord. On a personal level, I could use prayer for my “emotional health” as we make a transition in the middle of this pregnancy.

Gospel 101

2011-03-21T12:48:00.000-07:00

Gospel is more than a style of music. And it’s more than a small Sunday school lesson about getting to heaven. It is a lens through which to see the world, yourself, life, death, evil, restoration, and hope. It is a worldview. Whether you consider yourself a Christian or not, the Gospel is a worldview worth understanding. Even if you’ve heard it a hundred times, it is worth hearing again, because it affects everything. Since I also refer the “the Gospel” often throughout my posts, this post will work as a good reference point for that term.

My “CliffsNotes” version: God created the world good. Sin caused the world to be broken and humanity to be separated from God. God made a way for all things to be brought back to Him. Through Jesus, things and people can be brought back to God. As things and people are brought back to God, he is able to restore them to wholeness and life as he intended them to be.

While the Gospel is found throughout Scripture, my favorite and most succinct description of it is found here. I’ll share the whole section first, and then break it apart phrase by phrase to discuss it.

For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him [Jesus], and through him [Jesus] to reconcile to himself [God] all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his [Jesus’] blood shed on the cross. Colossians 1:19-20

For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him [Jesus]...

To begin the story, God was glad to have Jesus be full of God. Basically, Jesus has a divine nature. He is God. And it pleased God to have Jesus be divine in nature.

...and through him [Jesus] to reconcile to himself [God] all things...

This is where we get into some vital details. First, we must understand the word reconcile. When it is broken down, “reconcile” simply means “to bring back.” This means that things were separate from God and needed to be brought back to him. We have to jump back to Genesis where a great separation between creation and God happens. Genesis chapter 3 is the explanation of humanity choosing to go against what God had instructed them to do and not do. Going against God’s instructions is sin. At the entrance of sin into the world, brokenness began. Humanity is separated from God as a result of sin. All of creation reels from the chasm that is created by sin. The results of sin are evident everywhere in the world. If you look around for a moment, you can see the effects of sin: disease, death, pollution, pain, strife, and hate. It does not take a genius to recognize that the whole world suffers from brokenness (the result of sin).

Because of this God made a plan to bring all things back to Himself. Through Jesus things can be brought back to God and restored to what God intended.

...whether things on earth of things in heaven...

All of creation needs to be brought back to God. Things that are on earth and things that are in heaven are desperate to be brought back to God and restored to what He intended.

...by making peace through his [Jesus’] blood shed on the cross.

Peace with God requires justice. Sin created debt to God. That debt requires a payment to God for justice to occur. God allows justice to occur through Jesus’ blood being shed on the cross. As Jesus died on the cross, he took on all of the sin of all creation. He became the payment for all wrong. Because he paid sin, peace with God is possible.

As people come to God through Jesus, the peace of God infiltrates their lives. As this happens, these people become restored more and more to their full selves, who they were intended to be. And as they become more whole and full of life, they are able to bring the peace of God to other people and places. The restoration of God is not just for people, but for all of creation. We see this at work when people live according to God’s principles and his peace in the way they handle money, work, parenting, homes, and really, all of creation.

Following Jesus and being brought back to God results in bringing that life and peace to the world around you.

This is the Gospel.

Difficult People

2011-03-20T09:34:00.000-07:00

What is the truth about dealing with difficult people? This is a question I have been asking myself lately. As I have been praying and asking God for insight on this, He has shown me this verse:

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm. Ephesians 6:12

What God has been showing me is that even if a difficult person fights against me or attacks me, the true battle is not with that person. The true battle is a spiritual battle and is against forces of evil. In every difficult person, there are a series of pains, hurts, sins, struggles, and lies that have affected them or they have participated in. These pains and struggles are a result of living in a broken world that has evil forces at work in it. What is our response to be then?

Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

The thief [the devil] comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I [Jesus] have come that they may have life and have it to the full. John 10:10

Our response is to understand that difficult people are affected by brokenness and then they [the difficult people] respond to those around them out of that brokenness causing more hurt, pain, sin, and lies to be spread. We then also must have a correct perspective that we are not actually fighting against the difficult (and broken) person, but we are to fight against the forces of evil in this world that have affected and are affecting that broken person. We are fighting against sin, evil, and lies. Our response should be one that invites healing and truth, even if through that response we have to say hard things to the difficult person. Our response may even entail creating strong boundaries with the difficult person, all the while hoping for that person’s healing. If we do anything else, we may actually be playing into the work of evil in this world. We have an enemy who wants to destroy lives. We also have a rescuer who wants to restore lives. How does restoration (healing, wholeness, and life) happen?

For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him [Jesus], and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his [Jesus’] blood shed on the cross. Colossians 1:19-20

The only way to healing is through Jesus. All other efforts are our own and will eventually fail. No person would ever be able to heal themselves. Each person needs a rescuer and a mediator between God and herself. When dealing with difficult people, we pray and hope for their healing through Jesus. We can speak the truth of hope in Jesus. If the person is someone who follows Jesus, as we work through issues, we can approach those issues through the truth of the Gospel.

And what is our response to be if we continue to get blasted by difficult people? To forgive. You can read more about the process of forgiveness by reading the previous post, “Forgiveness.” To be clear, though, forgiveness does not mean that you are required to allow the wrongs to continue. You may need to speak hard truth. You may need to set up clear boundaries. But your heart must continually forgive.

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15

Having a heart of forgiveness shows which fight you are actually fighting: one against a person or one against the forces of evil in the spiritual realm. As you forgive, you transfer the battle into Jesus’ hands recognizing the struggle as a part of a much bigger spiritual reality.

In summary:

- Recognize that your struggle is not against the actual person but against the forces of evil at work in this world and the results of that in the person’s life

- Work towards restoration and healing (even if it includes speaking hard truth or creating strong boundaries)

- Forgive

Baby Update

2011-03-16T12:29:00.000-07:00

One of the perks of being married to a family medicine doctor is that he can do ultrasounds on me anytime. Last week we checked to make sure that everything was looking healthy (and to put my mind at ease that there is indeed just one baby inside me). We even got a good look at Baby Dos’ heartbeat.

Yesterday, though, at my first official OB visit, we saw my baby moving around inside of me. It’s crazy that while I am only ten weeks along, this little person inside of me already has arms, legs, fingers, and toes. When my OB did the ultrasound, we were able to see this little inch long person wave its arms at us. My OB turned the sound up so we could hear the baby’s heartbeat. Phenomenal.

Everything is looking good. So far, I seem healthy and Baby Dos seems healthy. Between my own calculations, my husband’s ultrasound last week, and the OB doc’s ultrasound the due date is set at October 12th! This is a few days later than the “technical” due date of October 9th, but I feel the 12th is more accurate. Having this as the due date will also help me not stress if Baby Dos takes his/her time making an appearance.

Now to begin looking for cute maternity clothes for 100 degree weather!

While We're on the Subject...

2011-03-15T12:20:00.000-07:00

If you stop and listen to the regrets and successes of the generation ahead of you, you will learn a lot! Why not learn from their mistakes? Why not heed the things that helped them? One common theme I have heard among women in my mom’s generation is, “I always wanted to have more children, but…” I have been listening to and learning from this “phrase of regret,” especially lately. Whatever the “but” was in the statement above, I find that it really wasn’t worth missing out on the “more children.”

I have this theory (note: it is a theory, not a fact) that most women have a number of children set in their heart that they desire to have. It is not the same for every woman. It may shift some after marriage and the birth of children. However, if you talk with women who are having children or preparing to have children, you will get a sense of the desires in their heart for a number of children. Some of my friends know that they want exactly two children. Some of my friends have had two children and know that “someone” is still missing. Some of my friends know that they want three or four or more children.

What I have also heard is the hearts of many women who are 50 (+) years old talk with sadness about not having the number of children they always wanted to have. I have heard women talk about wanting six children, but only having two. I have heard women talk about having two children and then taking permanent measures (vasectomy or tubal ligation) to prevent having any more children, later regretting that decision. This is actually fairly common. The family I grew up in is a perfect example of that. My parents had taken permanent measures to not have any more children after my sister and I were born; however, there was still a shred of doubt about whether or not their family was complete. I highly respect my parents because they took efforts to have more children. My mom heeded the regrets of women in the generation before her who did not have the number of children they desired. My mom could not live with the regret of missing out on more children. It took sacrifice on my parents’ part to pursue having more babies. It meant our family was spaced non-traditionally: my little sister was born when I was eleven and my brother when I was thirteen and a half. My sister and I are married with kids, while my little sister and brother are in high school. I know, though, that my mom does not live with the regret of missing out on children.

The point is not necessarily to have lots of children. The point is to consider carefully whether or not you feel complete peace and assurance that your family is complete before taking permanent measures to prevent any more children. If you have taken permanent measures and still feel that your family is incomplete, I encourage you to not let the years pass by into regret. Pray and ask the Lord for insight into the possibility for your family to adopt or reverse those “permanent measures.”

Be Informed: A Follow-Up

2011-03-14T09:07:00.000-07:00

Based on the comment from A Real Preacher’s Wife in Reno, I wanted to post a few more thoughts as an addendum to the post, “Be Informed.”

1. I would also like to know Val's thoughts on any known links from using hormonal birth control to miscarriages. (Rachael Turner)

At breakfast on Saturday, I asked my husband (a family medicine doctor) if he knew of any links between using hormonal birth control and miscarriages. While he did not know of a study that directly linked the two, he did say that it is likely that the use of hormonal birth control could cause miscarriages. The reason for this is the possibility that a fertilized egg which implants into a thinned uterine wall could have a difficult time surviving (even after implantation), resulting in a miscarriage. He also said that it is likely that the prior use of hormonal contraception could be a factor in miscarriages in women who have “gone off” the hormonal contraception in an effort to get pregnant. The reason for this is essentially the same. Because the uterine wall has been thinned due to the use of hormonal birth control, it takes time (likely months) after stopping the use of the hormonal contraceptive for the uterine wall to regain its intended thickness.

2. …the OBGYN community has changed the definition of conception from when the egg is fertilized to when it attaches to the uterine wall. This changes the definition of the pill being an abortifacient because it prevents "conception." (Rachael Turner referencing to an article)

It is vital to understand that the genetic code of a life is complete at the time of fertilization (sperm meets egg). This means that the “wiring” of that life is complete at fertilization. Life starts at fertilization. Implantation is then necessary for that life to grow. As my husband explained to me, the fertilized egg actually reproduces and makes more cells before it even implants into the uterine wall. It then gets blood to grow further once it implants on the uterine wall. Fertilization is the moment of conception. To define conception as any other moment is incorrect and dangerous. It is dangerous because it tricks our minds into thinking that life isn’t life until it is attached to the uterine wall. Through this incorrect definition of conception, it is possible to justify the use of hormonal contraception even if it prevents implantation, because we can be duped into believing that the life that couldn’t implant wasn’t even life. Life begins at the moment of fertilization.

Be Informed

2011-03-11T14:03:00.000-08:00

(reader discretion advised: contains information about reproduction and contraception)

I really wasn’t well informed about contraception until my husband and I were engaged. I am all for contraception; however, it is really important to be informed about the preventative measures you choose to use. My sister shared a book with me that taught me so much.* My husband also explained specific details that I had not previously known. Recently, I stumbled across an article that tied this information together very clearly and succinctly. I highly encourage you to take a minute to read and be informed: “A Modest Proposal: Do Some Reading before You Pop the Pill.”

The gist of the article states that it is still unclear whether using a hormonal birth control (the pill) only prevents life from starting or if it may also prevent a life that has already started from surviving. To be more specific, the goal of hormonal birth control is to prevent ovulation; however, hormonal birth control also thins the lining of the uterus. Because it also thins the lining of the uterus, a fertilized egg would most likely be unable to implant itself on the uterine wall. In essence, if the hormonal birth control did not prevent ovulation (an egg being released) and an egg was in fact fertilized, that fertilized egg would be prevented from surviving (by being unable to implant itself on the uterine wall).

What I had not understood before I got married was the two separate stages mentioned above: the moment of fertilization (sperm meets egg) and the moment of implantation (fertilized egg implants itself on the uterine wall). The moment of fertilization is also considered the moment of conception. In this moment, the genetic code of that life is complete. Because it is possible that even while using hormonal birth control, an egg could be released and ultimately fertilized, it is possible that a life could start. Most likely, though, the life that starts would be unable to survive due to a thinned uterus lining. For me, this is not a risk I want to take. The possibility that a life could be created inside of me only to die due to the use of hormonal birth control is not something I have peace about.

Contraceptive methods that don’t destroy already created life include a variety of barrier methods (condoms, diaphrams, etc.), as well as, fertility awareness methods. Barrier methods prevent an egg from ever being fertilized. Fertility awareness methods help predict ovulation and fertile days based on a variety of factors that can be charted. If these types of non-hormonal contraceptives fail, it is most often due to user error (from not reading your chart correctly to not using barrier methods correctly and consistently). Through informed, correct, and consistent use, non-hormonal contraceptives (as well as fertility awareness methods) can be excellent tools to preventing conception.

Of course, I have heard my fair share of jokes on the issue, especially since my husband and I had a “surprise” baby right after we got married. The truth is that I was not fully informed about the fertility awareness method we were using. Due to an error in my chart reading (we technically should have waited two days after a rise in my body temperature before setting our barrier method aside), we conceived a baby. When I look at my son, I know that even as challenging as a surprise pregnancy was, I would rather have him in my life today due to my error with our non-hormonal contraception, than have risked that he could have possibly been conceived but been prevented from surviving while using a hormonal contraceptive. Also, for the record, this time around we were very successful in preventing conception (using non-hormonal contraception) until we were ready to have another baby.

Overall, I share this information so that you can be informed about the possible risk factors involved with hormonal birth control. Regardless of what personal conclusion you come to, it is vital to understand the details of contraception and conception.

* The book she shared with me is titled, Taking Charge of Your Fertility. It outlines the Fertility Awareness Method which is more detailed than the “rhythm method.”

Fifty Year Marriage

2011-03-09T12:48:00.000-08:00

Something just clicked for me that God has probably been waiting patiently for me to understand. Since I got married, He has been working through a variety of circumstances to build a healthy, strong, long-lasting type marriage between my husband and me. While I haven’t doubted His work in this, I really did not see some of the pieces so clearly until today.

I just listened to a talk titled, “Marriage, Ministry, and Mistakes.” Within the first ten minutes, I realized that God has actually been doing so much more than I realized. When I moved out to the Midwest right after marrying my husband, I expected that we would do amazing things for God. In fact, I had spent many years prior to our marriage imaging all the amazing ministries we would do together. I wrongly thought that amazing ministry represented amazing marriage. God had done incredible things through each of us while we were single, so, of course, I expected an explosion of incredible world-changing ministry after we got married. Instead, I really, really struggled the first year we were married. I had left everything. I had quite my career. I had left my church…and all the ministries associated with that. I was away from my family. And I was pregnant, which meant I was constantly sick and tired the first four months of our marriage. I didn’t love my new life at all. I loved my husband. I was preparing for this new baby. But I didn’t love my new life. In fact, I felt like I was disappearing. I was trying to understand why God would take me away from everything I loved and was so purposeful in and put me in a place were I felt I was completely ineffective and doing nothing of worth, purpose, or value.

The hopelessness began to change this past year as both my husband and I reoriented ourselves around the current priorities God has given us. As I was listening to the talk mentioned above, it began to sink in this morning that God was sparing us from centering our marriage on the idol of ministry. Many of my “amazing ministry” dreams were idolatry. It’s really true that God does not want to give you something that He knows you are going to make into an idol. Why would He give me something I would worship instead of Him! He has again shown this to be true in the way He has worked the circumstances of our life the first year and a half of marriage. His desire was to spare us from making ministry the idol in our marriage. He was sparing us from making ministry be the thing that held our marriage together. Instead, He has been working to build a marriage centered on Him. Because He loves us, He has been working to give us a marriage that will last.

In that talk the idea of building a “fifty year marriage” is presented. Driscoll mentions that it is not the first day that counts the most, but the last day. This resonated with me. The first day of our marriage was full of hope, dreams, unknowns, possibilities, idealism, and wonder. Most first days of anything are like that. I am challenged today to build my marriage in expectation of the last day. On the last day of our marriage, I hope that there will be a oneness, a deep friendship, a sense of wonder at all that God has done, laughter, peace, satisfaction, passion, strength, and life. I will not get there through idealistic dreams; rather, I will get there through allowing God to transform me, through really knowing my husband, through honestly sharing my heart, through building a friendship. This takes time, effort, and humility. But isn’t it worth it? To have a fifty(+) year marriage, it would make sense to work on building that?

What is God doing in your marriage? What idols have you centered your marriage on? What is God trying to break apart and realign with His truth? What are your plans or thoughts on building a fifty year marriage?

If you already have a thirty(+) year marriage that is thriving, how did you get there? What do you know that you can share with us who aspire to be there one day?

Fatigue

2011-03-08T14:50:00.000-08:00

I just came back from spending two weeks in my hometown. And at the moment I feel completely uninspired. About everything. While it was wonderful to see family and friends, I overestimated myself. It seems that I forgot how fatigued I would be during the first trimester of pregnancy. Not only that, but my son also did not sleep well most of the nights we were away. He woke up every 2 – 3 hours for a bottle most nights. This combined with my pregnancy fatigue made it difficult for me to connect well with the people I love and so often long to see.

Now that we are home, my son is sleeping so much better! My husband and I have also been able to catch up on some much needed sleep. And I am beginning to feel a little more alive and not as drained. Travelling with an infant while also being pregnant is exhausting, even if my husband was with me and my parents’ home is completely comfortable for us to be in.

Since coming home, I have dropped my only commitment (a once a month ladies’ prayer night), simply because I am totally spent. I am also gearing up for the possibility that we may be moving to a different (lower socio-economic) neighborhood. That is a story for a different day; however, the gist of it is simply that my husband wants to help his friend invest in some teenagers who have been meeting together in this other neighborhood. By moving there we would be more accessible to help invest in these guys. The idea of moving is completely exhausting right now. We would wait until after this first trimester, which would make all the difference in the world. We are currently looking for houses, though.

So, at the moment, I feel like I am empty and have nothing to offer. I feel like I have no energy to give. To care for my husband, son, and our home while growing this new baby inside of me feels like all I can do today. And maybe it is. So, in the midst of exhaustion, I will speak truth to myself:

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. Psalm 23:1-3

The truth is He does this. He makes me lie down. He leads me by peaceful places. He restores my soul. So, today I fall back on the Lord. I trust Him to lead and guide our family. I trust Him to give me life. I trust Him to offer inspiration for the things He calls me to. And there is peace in this. Even in my exhaustion, He will provide, lead, and guide.

Music often puts to words the things I feel deep in my soul. As I sit here and reflect on these truths, the songs that come to mind are David Crowder’s “All I Can Say.” and his “How He Loves.” If this is at all something you can relate with, take a moment to reflect on the truths of how the Lord loves and provides for you.

A Moment

2011-03-02T12:43:00.000-08:00

If you have time in the next day or two, take a moment (actually seven minutes) to sit in silence with the Lord and listen to the following song: Song of the Broken. I have not been able to find this song on iTunes, only on You Tube. The video is not impactful (just slides); however, this song continually reminds me of the Gospel and how powerful the rescue of Jesus is.

Unexpected Vacation

2011-02-28T16:52:00.000-08:00

We are in our hometown for two weeks! Actually, we've been here for almost two weeks and will be heading home soon. My husband was going to go to Egypt to do some support/counseling work with a couple missionaries over there; however, at the last minute the trip was cancelled due to the political climate. Since my husband was using his own vacation days for that trip, we went ahead and took a vacation to my hometown to see family and friends. The first week, my husband took some time to have a personal retreat which was much needed for him. Now we are spending time with family and friends.

There is nothing quite like being "back home." It is so great to reconnect with people who have known me for so long that they remind me of who I am! And it is also great to see how much I continue to grow and change while I am away.

Highlights of this trip so far have been: running to 7-11 with my little sister and brother to fulfill a pregnant lady's (me) ice cream craving and attending Living Stones (my church from when I lived here before). The worship, preaching and community at Living Stones continue to be such a dynamic influence on my life even while I am away...so to get to be there in person is amazing!

As I am here, there are many posts brewing in my heart and mind. God is doing a lot right now! I will share more once we are back home.

A Few of My Favorite People

2011-02-18T14:03:00.001-08:00

I have been thinking the last few days about my family. Not my little family, but the family I grew up in. The older I get the more I realize how rare it is to be given the gift of a strong family. They are, of course, by no means perfect. If I even think of viewing them as perfect, then I am a part of a great downfall…a false perception of who they are rather than the reality, which is that they are a group of people who do really love each other, love the Lord, and actually want to hang out together. This is my family.

I did nothing to be born into this family. The only way I can really understand how or why I got to be a part of my family is to simply see it as a gift from God. So, my only response can be, “Thank you, God.”

What makes them so great? I don’t know if I can even put my finger on it. At the core, every single one of us loves Jesus, so regardless of how different our personalities are or how vast our life pursuits may be, each one of us is ultimately seeking Jesus, following Jesus, wanting to live as a part of His Kingdom. This is the foremost strength and bond of our family. This is where we ultimately find our commonality.

Beyond that, though, they are just about the best group of people to hang out with. I like hanging out with my family…I liked them when I was a kid, when I was a teenager, when I was in college, and now as an adult. They are some of my closest friends! My mom has a gift for making things special and fun, plus she has an ability to connect deeply with people’s hearts. My dad is one of the hardest workers I know. He has an incredible sense of integrity. And he has the best dry wit ever! Then there’s my first sister…who I think is one of the funniest and most fun people to be around. She is also one of the strongest people, taking on anything life throws at her and making the most out of it. After her is my second sister. She is independent. She has a profound sense of purpose and lives with passion. Her sense of humor is a great combination with my dad’s. Last of all is my brother. He is awesome (and smart)! Not only is he great at video games and the bass, he also lives with incredible depth and heart.

New members have been added in. My brother in law was the first to join our family. He loves my sister very much and so wants to make her happy. He studies Scripture with passion. And can be really funny if you get to be close to him. After him came my nephew, who is a brilliant and strong child. He brings new life to our family. Just months after he joined our family, my husband also become apart of this group. He, of course, is my favorite, so my description of him is just through my eyes. He is a genius who is laid back, fun, and great at connecting with hearts. (And hot and loving and servant-hearted and funny and deep and passionate…but that’s just my opinion.) The latest addition has been my son. He is laid back and cautious. He is happy and content, but takes a while to warm up to others.

This is my family. And I can’t wait to hang out with them soon.

Filters: Respect and Submit

2011-02-16T10:30:00.000-08:00

There is part of Titus 2:4-5 that I did not mention in my “Filters” post that I want to take a moment to dissect now. There is this phrase in Titus 2:4-5 that honestly makes a lot of women (including myself sometimes) become uncomfortable: “…to be subject to their husbands.” The ESV puts it this way: “…and submissive to their own husbands.” I did not include this phrase in the original “Filters” post simply because the point of that post was walking through a Scriptural approach to setting priorities. When setting priorities, the priority of loving one’s husband would include that later phrase “…to be subject to their husbands.” As I have spent more time reflecting on this, I felt it was important to address this phrase, dissecting it a bit.

The concept of “submit to” and “respect” are found throughout Scripture in regards to a woman’s relationship with her husband:

…Wives, submit to your husbands, as unto the Lord… (Eph. 5:22)

…and the wife must respect her husband… (Eph. 5:33)

…Wives in the same way, be submissive to your husbands… (1 Peter 3:1)

Having led my share of women’s Bible studies before I got married, I knew that, Scripturally, wives are called to submit to their husbands and to respect their husbands. I also had looked at enough marriage books to understand that men need to be respected. So, I made a point to marry someone that I would want to submit to. I made a point to marry someone I respected. What I didn’t realize, though, was that there was more to submitting and respecting than just following and being respectful.

The issue of respect is the one that has been most pronounced so far in my marriage. I really believed that I had been respecting my husband from the beginning. I was never “disrespectful.” I didn’t communicate with attitude or sass. So I thought I had the “respect” issue down. What I didn’t realize, though, was that the issue really isn’t about being respectful; the core issue of respect is trust. For a husband to feel respected by his wife, he needs to know that she trusts him. During our first year of marriage, I struggled with trusting my husband. Trusting him to listen to the Lord. Trusting him to make decisions for us. Trusting him to have my best interest in mind. Every aspect of my life had changed, and I really struggled with whether or not it was all for the best. I had never had to trust someone else with my life. I had been accustomed to simply following the Lord on my own. What I had to learn was to trust my husband, to believe in him, and to trust him with me. While we were really still just getting to know each other, I had to trust that my husband really did (and does) want good for me. I also had to entrust him to the Lord. I go to the Lord asking Him to lead my husband, speak to my husband, and change my husband.

This leads into submission. There are two parts, two lenses through which to see submission. The first is the more traditional lens of following your husband’s lead. This is vital. In the end, the husband has a responsibility before God for how he has led his family. This is a responsibility that, ladies, we honestly do not have nor do we really want to have. This first part of understanding submission is realizing that our responsibility is to submit to or follow our own husbands and their decisions. He will have to give account for the decisions he made, so out of a trusting, respectful heart, I choose to follow his decision even if in the end it clashes with me. Even if I don’t fully agree with his decision, I choose to trust that he is making the decision with my best interest in mind and with the weight of leading our family on his shoulders.

However, submission does not mean blindly following. This was also a mistake I made earlier on in marriage (this is funny, since I’ve only been married a year and a half!). I thought submission meant letting my husband make all the decisions. This actually is extremely detrimental to a man. It really sets him up for failure. Someone recently explained to me the concept of submission as submitting who you are to your husband for his good. This person explained that my husband needs all of me: who I am, what I see, my discernment, insight, and wisdom. I need to submit myself (give who I am) to him to help him. Of course, this is not in a nagging, superior, or prideful sense. Rather, this second lens to submission is to see that you are to give yourself to your husband to “bring him good, not harm.” You give him all of who you are. This is not in a quarrelsome, berating attitude; rather, submitting yourself to your husband is about being a team with him and sharing thoughts, ideas, and insights. By submitting (or giving) yourself to your husband, you make him stronger. By not submitting (or giving) yourself to your husband, you leave him to fend for your family on his own. You set him up for all kinds of falls by withholding yourself from him.

The vital part to understand here, though, is that in order to really submit yourself to your husband in this way, he and you both need to view your marriage as a partnership. Prior to sharing your ideas and insights must come conversations about whether or not you feel like a team and how to actually become a team. He must know that you trust him, that you believe in him, and that you respect him before you start sharing everything you see; otherwise, he may simply feel that you are trying to control or attack him. From my own marriage, I know there have been many times my husband felt attacked by the way I shared my thoughts, especially when he did not feel like I believed him or supported him. Have an honest conversation with you husband about this. Find out if he feels like you believe in him. And be ready for any answer. Ask him what it would look like for him to feel like you are with him, supporting him. Ask him what would be the best way for you to share things that you see or insights that the Lord has given you about life. Really listen to what he shares; if you do, you will begin to find the way for you to be a team.

End Notes:
A few things come to mind after a post like this. I want to be sure to address these. It is not good to stay in an abusive situation where either you or your children are being abused. It does not bring your husband good to allow him to continue to hurt you or your children. You are not helping him become the man God created him to be if you allow abuse to continue. There are ways to separate yourself from your husband with respect and with the hope of restoration, encouraging him to get help to deal with his own soul and the root causes of him being abusive.

The second thing to take note of is that if your husband is asking you to submit to doing something that is not in line with Scripture (i.e. handling a family business’ finances in a fraudulent manner), you are in the end required to obey God as a higher authority than your husband. The hope would be that you could have a conversation with him about your concern about doing things against God’s way, communicating that you will not be able to go against what God has already clearly spoken.

Lastly, it is important here to understand also that you are only required to submit to your own husband. Based on the “submission in marriage” verses above, the woman to man submission is between one wife and one husband, not all women to all men. The idea that all women are to submit to all men is a common misconception. It is true, however, that all Christians are meant to submit to one another (men and women together) as they live out their faith.

Limitations

2011-02-13T13:49:00.000-08:00

It is so hard for me to accept my limitations. I like to work. I like to accomplish. I like to live life! The first trimester of pregnancy is exhausting, though. The fatigue. The nausea. During my first pregnancy, I wanted to overcome the exhaustion and nausea. I wanted to be an amazing newlywed. I also really didn’t know how to ask for help. I actually hated the idea of asking for help. I liked being able to do things on my own. Looking back, I think that had something to do with God blessing us with a baby so early in our marriage…so I would learn how to lean on my husband and ask him for help.

This time around I can feel still feel myself fighting against my limitations; however, I know it is better to accept them. Plus, this time I need even more help because not only am I growing a little human inside me, I am also taking care of a nine month old. Accepting my limitations right now means that I am trying to take a nap a day (good-bye personal time during my son’s naps). It also means I am not accomplishing as much in our home. It means that my husband is helping out more with meals, with our son, with me. Friday night, we snuggled and watched “Pinky and the Brain” and fell asleep by 8:45. I was so tired. My husband is so loving and willing to help, that even as I write this it seems silly that I would push against needing help. It takes vulnerability and trust to allow someone else to help me. In some ways, it is much easier being the one who helps. When I’m the one who helps, I don’t look as weak, as needy, nor do I have to be vulnerable and trusting. Having limitations and needing help causes me to accept weakness in myself, recognize need, be vulnerable, and trust. It means letting go of pride.

God talks about this:

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

A few questions for you:
What limitations do you have currently? Are you fighting against them or accepting them? Who has God placed in your life to help carry the load? Are you allowing them to help you? Whose life has God placed you in to help carry their load?

Your Husband's Top Three

2011-02-11T11:04:00.000-08:00

Do you know your husband’s top three needs? No, not the top three needs according to that marriage book you read one time. Do you know your husband’s top three things he needs from you? Just as intriguing, do you know your top three needs? What are the top three things you need from him? Sometimes these questions generate a blank stare: “…uh, well…to be honest…I…uh…don’t know.”

You can prevent wasting time and energy trying to do the things husbands are “supposed” to need by simply researching your own husband. Pay attention to which things you do that make him happiest. Beyond observing his response to your actions, directly ask him what makes him feel most loved. Have him narrow it down to the top three. Get down to specifics about those top three. You may be surprised that you have been pouring yourself into things that do not ultimately make him feel loved. He may appreciate what you do; however, you may be investing energy into things that don’t make his heart soar. Find out what makes his heart soar. Also, realize that these top three needs may shift over time as he, you, and your family enter different seasons. Asking about the “top three” can be something you do regularly in your life together. In fact, Valentine’s Day may be the perfect time to express how much you want to love him well by asking him what his top three needs are.

Get down to details about those top three needs. Clarify with him what those actually look like in real life. Ask him to be specific. Make sure he knows you want to get it right. Tell him you are doing this so that he can feel as loved by you as possible. Write down what he tells you. Make sure you understand the details about each thing that makes him feel loved. Keep a “quick reference” post-it note of the top three some place in your house or car where you will see it regularly and be reminded of where to focus your energies.

Just as important as knowing his needs is knowing your own top three needs. It takes time and reflection to know yourself. What would truly make you feel loved by your husband? The goal of finding out his top three needs is not so that you can quickly pass by them to get your needs communicated. Rather, learning your own top three needs is an exercise in knowing yourself. By knowing yourself, you can ultimately help your husband be successful in his efforts to love you.

It is important to affirm the things that your husband does that actually make you feel loved. In your daily life, are you truly appreciating him, affirming his efforts in the things that make you feel loved? And if he is spending time, energy, and/or money on things that you do not actually make you feel loved, talk to him. Of course, the approach you take with this kind of conversation will make all the difference. He may be doing something that you know is taking him time and energy, but in the end does not make a big impact on you feeling loved. Only you know your husband and how you can approach this without crushing him. Communicate and affirm that you see the time and effort he is putting into trying to make you feel loved. Share with him that you want to tell him this now to prevent him from spending years putting in time, effort, and/or money on this thing because in the end it really doesn’t make you feel that loved. Be ready to share an alternative that really would make you feel loved. Give examples (if possible) of times when he has done the alternative and share with him what that makes you feel. It is vital to affirm that you see and appreciate his efforts to make you feel loved and to emphasize that you are sharing this now to let him off the hook in the long run.

To have this make a little more sense, here are a few examples from my life:

I love to keep our house clean and orderly. I learned quickly, though, that this doesn’t especially make my husband feel loved. He would still feel just as loved if our home was a little dustier and had more chaos. He appreciates a clean, orderly house; however, it does not make his heart soar. It is important for me to understand that keeping the house spotless is really more for me than it is for him. What does make my husband feel totally loved is when I make dinner for him. When he shared this with me at the beginning of our marriage, this seemed like such a burden to me. I knew how to cook, but I had never really invested any time or energy into becoming a “good” cook. For a little while, I thought he was expecting multiple-course, gourmet meals every night. As we talked and as I asked more questions and as he clarified, I discovered that in his mind making anything for him counted as cooking for him. He shared that warming food up in the microwave made him feel loved. He also shared that it didn’t have to be fancy. He shared that it would be great if it was on the healthier side. He also shared that if I tried out a new recipe occasionally that would make him feel extremely loved. I could wrap my mind around these specifics. From that point on, I made and continue to make a conscious effort to make dinner most nights of the week. I usually try out a new recipe once a week. This is what makes my husband’s heart soar. For my husband it is more effective to show him love through cooking dinner than trying to keep the house spotless. So, I try to focus my “love” energy on dinner.

The next story is about me and flowers. While we were dating and engaged, my husband and I lived 2,000 miles apart. One of the ways he tried to show his love for me was by sending me flowers…every month. The problem was that I don’t especially feel loved through receiving flowers. Knowing how much sending flowers cost, I just couldn’t let him keep spending money on something that really didn’t matter that much to me. It made sense to me that my husband (then fiancé) was making his best effort to make me feel loved. Most girls love flowers. He was simply trying to show me how incredibly much he loved me. I broke the news gently that I didn’t exactly love getting flowers. I told him that I knew he was trying to love me, but that I would hate to see him spend lots of money over the coming years on flowers when they weren’t doing what they were “supposed” to be doing for my heart. I explained that flowers didn’t especially make me feel loved. I also explained that it would be wasteful of me to not tell him this and let him keep spending money on something that wasn’t that important to me. When we were reflecting on this recently what he said he understood from that conversation was that there were other ways to love me that would get more “bang for the buck.”

Enjoy your Valentine’s Day!

Filters: A Few Words for the Single Ladies

2011-02-08T12:25:00.000-08:00

Springing from my post yesterday (“Filters”), I will add a few thoughts just for the single ladies. In yesterday’s post, I shared the eight filters from which women are to determine their priorities. These eight filters came directly from Proverbs 31 and Titus 2:

Filter #1 Love God
Filter #2 Love your husband
Filter #3 Love your children
Filter #4 Take care of your home
Filter #5 Build your character
Filter #6 Be involved in discipleship
Filter #7 Serve those in need
Filter #8 Be involved in a trade/career

So, single ladies, what does this mean for you? These filters were given in Scripture for women to understand where to invest their lives. As a single woman, you currently do not have to spend energy and time pouring into a husband and children. Even your investment in your home will most likely be different than what it will be when you have a husband and children. However, you have the same responsibility to evaluate where God is asking you to pour yourself out based on these eight filters. You have fewer filters to pour yourself into; therefore, you have an opportunity right now to maximize the investment of your time, abilities, and energies in loving God, building your character, discipleship, service, and career. Paul commented on this opportunity to be fully engaged in the Kingdom of God in 1 Corinthians 7:34:

…an unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.

Single ladies, do not miss the incredible gift of time and singular focus you have been given during this season of your life. Maximize your time with Jesus. Be involved in discipleship. Serve those in need. Develop your gifts, skills, and abilities. Ask the Lord how He wants to most effectively use you in His Kingdom right now. This time of singular focus on following Jesus will never be quite the same once you are married. Make the most of your time with Him. And enjoy of every moment of this season!

The reality is that most (not all) of you will eventually get married. It is important to understand that God does not owe you a husband. It is also important to understand the God designed men and women for marriage (Gen. 2:18 & 24: …it is not good for man to be alone…for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.). If you will one day most likely get married, it is important to look at the eight filters above and consider what it would mean for you to prepare to pour yourself out into those filters one day. For example, in order to love a husband and children, you will be required to be selfless. Are you someone who practices selflessness now? If you will one day be raising children, what things from your own childhood do you need to process through so that God can transform you into a more whole parent? If you will one day be the one who creates the atmosphere of a home, how do you take care of your current home? I had one roommate who didn’t know how to cook, so while we lived together she asked me to show her the basics of how to follow a recipe. She had wisdom in doing this, as she was ultimately equipping herself to care for a family one day. What practical areas of marriage, parenting, and home could you grown in and become equipped in during this time?

One of the biggest ways you can prepare for marriage is by dealing with your junk now. By junk, I mean your own personal soul struggles, brokenness, past hurts, sin, and idols. When Proverbs 31 talks about the wife bringing her husband good, not harm, all the days of her life, it is my opinion that it is because she has dealt deeply with soul issues. A close friend of mine, continually encouraged me to work out my soul issues before I got married. She felt so strongly about this because she knew that once a girl got married, her soul issues would no longer affect just her, but her husband and even her children, too. Sit down with God and ask Him what He wants to heal you from, what He wants to make whole in you, what He wants you to release to Him. Then take the time to follow through with what He reveals. It will be worth it in the end.*

Two and a half years ago, I was single, not dating and fully invested in the Kingdom. I was developing my career, investing in women, and enjoying the fullness of that life. Now, I am married and pregnant with my second kiddo! Because God can change your life in an instant, it is vital to make the most of the moment He has placed you in.

* Look at “…what I don’t want to be…” (http://lifeasworship.blogspot.com/2011/01/what-i-dont-want-to-be.html) and “Forgiveness” (http://lifeasworship.blogspot.com/2011/01/forgiveness.html) for thoughts on the process of wholeness.